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Estranged sibling struggles responding to family updates

By Amy Dickinson, Tribune Content Agency on

Dear Amy: I am a part of a circle of friends that tend to do things together (girls' nights, weekend getaways, etc.). Obviously, some of us are closer than others, and that ebbs and flows, but this seems largely accepted. One of the women, however, has an issue when she is not included.

I don't mean that all of us make plans and exclude "Mary" -- I'm talking about if two of the group mention that they had dinner together last week, or met for a drink, Mary will literally pout and fret about being "ditched." Mind you, this is someone in her 60s.

Now, two of us, along with other friends who are NOT part of this group, are planning a vacation together and have rented a house in a sunny place for a week in the winter.

Mary's extreme neediness and tendency to drink too much has convinced us that inviting her would be a bad decision.

There is no way we can hide the fact that we are vacationing without her.

How do I phrase the explanation as to why we aren't including her?

I don't know if she'll be satisfied with the basic truth -- that it just happened.

-- Worried

 

Dear Worried: Please, whatever you do, don't say that this vacation "just happened." Drunken weddings in Vegas might "just happen," but vacations are planned.

You and your group-friend are going on this holiday with others not in your friendship circle. If you don't want to confront "Mary" about her drinking (which would place the responsibility for being excluded squarely on her), you could say to her, "Mandy and I are planning this week away with other people who you don't know. I know from experience that it upsets you not to be included, but I don't expect to be included in all of your events, and others in our group understand that we don't always do everything together, and so I hope that you can understand this, too."

Don't let Mary's pouting and fretting manipulate you, but understand that this is her way of coping. If you don't act guilty or at fault, her distress should be proportional.

Dear Readers: My own life is probably a lot like yours. I've experienced poverty, prosperity, marriage, divorce, remarriage, step-parenting, caretaking, loss and grief. If you've ever been curious about the life behind the advice column, I hope you'll consider picking up my memoir, "Strangers Tend to Tell Me Things: A Memoir of Love, Loss, and Coming Home." (2017, Hachette).

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(You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@amydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Amy Dickinson, c/o Tribune Content Agency, 16650 Westgrove Drive, Suite 175, Addison, Texas, 75001. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or "like" her on Facebook.)


 

 

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