Future mother-in-law is a spoiler
What is achieved by you knowing this? Other than running home and telling you about this trashing, how did he react toward his mother in the moment? Is he using her low estimation of you as a way to communicate his own feelings or concerns about you?
These are questions you should ask him.
Many people replay a version of birth family dynamics in our own marriages. Understand that unless your fiance establishes his own autonomy, this dynamic won't change.
You should do some soul-searching and -- if there is room for improvement in your own behavior -- you should figure out how to behave in a way that is both neutral and respectful. In short, you should demonstrate the sort of behavior you would like to see from his family members.
It will (obviously) be necessary for him to ask for/demand/expect his family members to treat you with respect when they are with you, and not trash you when they are not with you.
You may think that because you have been together for a decade, you don't need premarital relationship counseling, but you do -- desperately.
Also read, "Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married," by marriage counselor Gary Chapman (2010, Northfield Publishing).
Dear Amy: Years ago my uncle sexually assaulted his three girls. He got away with it by leaving the country while on bail.
Several years ago, he returned, and now thinks we should all "get over it."
He is insisting on a visit with me to "catch up." He's always been a clever bully, and won't take NO for an answer, despite me putting him off for years.
I'm worried he will just show up here. What should I do?
-- Worried
Dear Worried: I'm taking at face value all of your assertions about your uncle. If he contacts you to threaten a visit, you should tell him, quite plainly, "I don't want to have any contact with you. You are not welcome in my home or on my property. I want you to know that if you choose to show up, I will call the police. It's that simple. Do you understand? Good."
If it would ease your mind to enact a "no-contact order," visit your local courthouse and ask the clerk to walk you through the steps. This bully should not get the best of you.
Dear Readers: My own life is probably a lot like yours. I've experienced poverty, prosperity, marriage, divorce, remarriage, step-parenting, caretaking, loss and grief. If you've ever been curious about the life behind the advice column, I hope you'll consider picking up my memoir, "Strangers Tend to Tell Me Things: A Memoir of Love, Loss, and Coming Home." (2017, Hachette).
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(You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@amydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Amy Dickinson, c/o Tribune Content Agency, 16650 Westgrove Drive, Suite 175, Addison, Texas, 75001. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or "like" her on Facebook.)
