Wife's presence in the dojo leads to trouble at home
Dear Amy: My wife of nearly 20 years and I are headed toward divorce unless the dynamic of our relationship changes. This is made all the more difficult by the fact that we have a 12-year-old son and are currently living overseas.
We hit a rough patch a few years ago when I came to believe that my wife might be cheating on me. She had been attending a martial arts school for several years when I began to suspect that her relationship with the teacher was more than just friendly. She became very involved in the dojo, and was in constant contact with him via text message and email.
After helping out at the dojo one weekend, her story seemed fishy. I looked through our phone records to find out to my dismay that she had been sending texts to the teacher's number continuously. I then snooped on her phone and saw that all of those messages had been deleted. She did not delete messages from other people.
I desperately wanted to believe her claims of innocence. After a second episode, she agreed that if the situation were reversed, she would be suspicious, too. However, she has always sworn that I am simply reading too much into an innocent situation.
She says she is done talking about this, and that the problem is mine. I cannot talk to her about it without our conversation escalating to a shouting match and her threatening divorce.
Am I being overly suspicious, or is this a case of "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me?"
I am awaiting your sage advice.
Dear Suspicious: Evidently your wife isn't as afraid of divorce as you are -- because when you raise your suspicions, divorce is her fallback. Does she want to be in the marriage?
If nothing in your situation changed, would you want to stay in the marriage?