Partners tussle over drunken mother
Don't make any pronouncements regarding children now. With someone as volatile as his mother, you will have to take her behavior on a case-by-case basis, and make decisions as you go.
Your partner should definitely seek a "friends and family" support group for the children of alcoholics. This sort of disrespect and boundary-smashing is common; you both need to learn how to deal with this behavior, instead of merely expecting and then tolerating it.
Dear Amy: My husband and I have been together for 12 years.
My eldest daughter lives on the West Coast. I get to see her once a year.
She recently flew east. I drove to pick her up from her college town and stayed one night there with her. The next day she came back with me to my city to visit her siblings. Because of an emergency with her sibling, she wasn't able to spend the night at his house.
I arranged a hotel room for her and wanted to spend the night with her. We had to leave early in the morning to get her to the airport for her flight home.
When I called to explain this to my husband, he asked me why she could not just stay at the hotel alone.
I told him that would not be very nice for her and I had only seen her for one day.
There has always been bad blood between the two of them, and she does not feel welcome in our home.
He said, "I guess I have no say," and hung up on me.