Grieving husband deserves sympathy
Dear Amy: My husband and partner (we were a same-sex couple) of 39 years recently died.
We live on the West Coast and his entire family (mother, brother, sisters, nieces, nephews, aunt, uncles) lives on the East Coast. I have no family. He left his childhood home more than 50 years ago, so he hardly lived with his younger brother and sister.
For all these years we flew back for weddings and other family gatherings, sent money for graduations, birthdays, etc., and met with all his family many, many times. Everyone acted friendly toward us.
His brother and sister flew to our home one month before his passing and claim I was cold, distant and rude to them. I didn't see it that way, but I apologized.
It has been a month since his passing, and not one family member has reached out to me via text, card or phone call. My brother-in-law suggested that the immediate family does not need to send condolences or thank me for taking care of their brother. He further said that other family members would not know what to say. He even said that I was simply "out of sight ... out of mind."
My hope was that by reaching out to me, his family would acknowledge a life well-lived. I am not looking for sympathy for myself; but this has me confused about their true feelings about his and our life together.
His brother and sister told me they will not attend his memorial service on the West Coast.
Am I missing something here? I am trying to understand their behavior.
-- Saddened on the Left Coast
Dear Saddened: Your brother-in-law has a very weak point, in that immediate family members (who are presumably grieving, themselves), might not feel the need to reach out to you in sympathy with a note or call. This theory only works, however, if you have all seen one another after your loved one's death and expressed your mutual condolences personally.
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