ArcaMax

Obviously, let a parent know what you're observing. Unfortunately, the girls might be re-creating talk that they hear at home. Emphasize that the content of their character is always going to be the most important thing to you. They're watching and learning from you all the time they're with you. -- July, 2007

Dear Amy: I am dating a medical student who has very little free time.

I have done whatever possible to make this difficult time easier for him -- doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and bringing him dinners.

He is very good to me, and I always enjoy seeing him. However, no matter what I do or what the situation, I take a back seat to his friends. I am either ignored or treated as "one of the guys" when they're around.

Though he often mentions marriage, I doubt that his friends even know that we're serious. I know that he has to make the most of his spare time, but the only time reserved for me is when he's too tired to do much else beyond lie on his couch.

Sex has become very rare and dull. Though his excuse is often that he doesn't have time to think about sex, he does have time in his study breaks to look at porn on the Internet.

Am I wasting my time? Am I asking too much? Is it worth continuing to date someone on the promise that things will improve in a few years? I, too, will be in medical school soon. I worry that once my availability decreases we will become what we're already close to being: long-distance friends. -- Kelli

Dear Kelli: Do you think you'll be able to count on your boyfriend to cook and clean for you once you've started medical school?

Yeah -- I didn't think so.

Between his exhausting schedule of school, friends and porn, he does seem to find the time to dangle marriage in front of you now and then. Stop listening to what he says, and start paying close attention to what he does. Notice that what he does is all about him.

People in committed relationships find ways to value and treasure their partners, even when they're exhausted. They find ways to be intimate, even when they're going through a dull patch.

It's fairly obvious that life for medical students isn't exactly like "Grey's Anatomy," but couldn't it be even the slightest bit like the popular television show, in which the busy physicians actually manage to have relationships?

Relationships seldom improve in a few years, the way you are hoping yours will -- especially when only one party is committed to making an effort.

Is that what you want?

Yeah -- I didn't think so. -- October, 2007

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(You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@tribpub.com. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or "like" her on Facebook. Amy Dickinson's memoir, "The Mighty Queens of Freeville: A Mother, a Daughter and the Town that Raised Them" (Hyperion), is available in bookstores.)