Make it a Trouble
The Major League Eating record for onions is 8.5 ounces (three Maui onions) in 1 minute, held by Eric Booker. Whether anybody lingered to congratulate Booker on the record is not known.
A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can't hear him.
"How bad is it?" asks his doctor.
"I have no idea," replies the husband.
"OK, do this test," says the doctor. "Stand 20 feet away from her and say something. If she doesn't hear you, get closer and say the same thing. Keep moving closer and closer, repeating the comment until she does hear you. That way we'll have an idea of her range of hearing loss."
The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen chopping vegetables for dinner. From 20 feet away, he says "What's for dinner?" No response. From 10 feet, he repeats the question with no answer. From five feet, the same thing. Finally, he's standing right behind her: "What's for dinner?"
The wife turns, looks at him and says, "For the fourth time, beef stew."
"Neurotics complain of their illness, but they make the most of it, and when it comes to taking it away from them, they will defend it like a lioness her young."