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Marriage and dating 6 months into a pandemic: more pressure, less sex

By Milan Polk, Chicago Tribune on

Published in Health & Fitness

Divorce is hard. Add a global pandemic and it may cause you to rethink some things. That was the reality for three couples whom attorney Susan Myres counseled on divorce. At the beginning of the pandemic, they all decided to step back and reconsider going through with separating in the midst of a global crisis.

"I think COVID, for people with a kindness and generosity in their heart, made them kind of sit up straight and think about, 'Is this really what I want to do?'," said Myres, president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, which is based in Chicago.

About six months into COVID-19, many people are working from home, meaning they may be spending a lot more time with their significant others. But regardless of if you're just dating or thinking of starting a family, many relationships are under significant stress.

"For some people, it's going to be a wonderful time to spend a lot of close time, relaxed time, since they're not commuting with their spouse. For other people, some distance during the day, say while they were working, gave them space," said Linda Waite, a professor of sociology at the University of Chicago.

Hard data on marriages, divorces and pregnancies are hard to find so soon into the pandemic, but Waite said many researchers are fielding studies and results could begin to come in the next few months. Many are concerned with people locked in close quarters for such a long period of time. Domestic violence seems to have increased. There's also difficulty accessing resources to get out of abusive relationships.

Laura Berman, a sex and relationship therapist, said couples can't ignore issues when they're with each other all the time now, and the added stress may dissolve relationships and create unhealthy environments. "People are going to have to deal with their stuff together, which many of them are facing, often for the first time, or they will fall apart and we're seeing a lot of relationships fall apart under the pressure," Berman said.

 

The Kinsey Institute launched a sex and relationships study in March. The ongoing research is observing more than 3,000 participants on their dating and sex lives. So far, researchers say about half of the respondents have said they are less sexually active than before. Berman said online dating has taken precedence since people can't easily meet strangers in a socially distanced world.

"You're not going to meet in the coffee shop or the bookstore," Berman said. "It's not as easy to meet people at work, because you're not working together anymore. Those more organic ways of meeting people have shut down, and lots of people are turning to online dating."

Berman also said people are taking things slow and getting to know each other as casual sex isn't a risk people may want to take right now. Chicagoans, among others, are exploring video dates with people from all over the world.

"I think this is the time to really heighten your communication skills, not only getting clear on what you're looking for in love or relationships but really getting good at discussing things and taking your time. Dating now is really a risk-benefit analysis," Berman said. "In other words, you have to make sure the person you're going to meet up with or potentially hook up with is potentially worth the risk. That gives you the chance to move slowly."

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