Bringing Up the Rear


With beach season mere moments away, I realized it was time to hit up the local bathing suit store to see if I could find something that would transform my post-COVID-19, hadn't-worked-out-in-two-years-and-ate-too-much-banana-bread body into something that could be seen poolside without scaring dogs and small children.

Although the store had a large selection of bathing suits and coverups, I usually avoided going there because it was ridiculously expensive, and the sales help is all cumulatively a size 00, which makes the whole process of finding a bathing suit for my gravity-challenged, middle-aged body that much more painful. However, it was such slim pickings in the department stores that I had to bite the bullet and go to the specialty store.

Now this is where things got ugly.

I tried on a suit in the dressing room that I thought was actually pretty flattering. Then I peeked out of the room to make sure there was no one else in the area and I zoomed out to get a look in the three-way mirror. That they don't have three-way mirrors in the dressing rooms of bathing suit stores is, in my opinion, a crime against humanity. However, with no one above the age of 18 who wasn't named Britney to complain to, I sucked it up, or rather sucked it in, and made the mad dash to the mirror.

Having recently lost 10 pounds, I was optimistic that things might look better than they had the previous summer. But as I took in my rear view in the three-way mirror, I saw that I had not actually lost 10 pounds. It had all just moved around to my backside. There it was, spilling out on all sides from the bathing suit like an escapee from cellulite prison. This was not a bootylicious backside. This was the mother of all tushes. It was Buttzilla.

I gasped and grabbed the nearest sarong to wrap around my body. Hearing my cries of horror, one of the Britneys ran over.


"Is everything OK?" she asked.

"No. Not OK," I cried. "I had no idea that things were so bad back there."

"Back where?"

I pointed to my other end. "There!"


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