Humor
/Entertainment
Pollen, Cold or COVID? Let's Play Spring Mad Libs
During an (adjective) stroll through the park on a sunny March, I was overcome by a series of violent (nouns).
The (gerund, look it up) would not relent. I peered into the trees above. (Nature noun), just truckloads of (same noun), falling out of every branch, (same noun) painting with all the colors of the wind. In my hair. In my nose. In my...Read more
How To Tell if You're Too Old To Be President
Let's talk about it: Are Joe Biden and Donald Trump too old to be president? I don't know. Maybe? Probably! They're 81 and 77. Biden is already the oldest sitting president. A win would crown either man the oldest newly elected president, a record slightly less exciting than "world's largest serving of guacamole."
Their advanced ages reflect ...Read more
How To Watch All 10 Oscar Movies in a Week
Every year, I declare the same intention the way a tragic 1990s comic strip lady says, "Diet starts Monday!"
I say, "I am going to watch all 10 nominees for best picture at the Academy Awards!" I prepare to rest my chin on my fist at living room parties, to wax on about storytelling nuance and low-angle framing, to sneer, "Well, you know how ...Read more
This Is the Time of Year To Touch Grass
Someone recently asked: Have you been to the beach lately?
No, I said. Despite living in a peninsular county in the peninsular state of Florida, I don't really go to the beach. The sun hurts my skin, which resembles the cadaverous husk of an 18th-century European farm woman who gathers eggs while wearing four babushkas. Once on the beach, I ...Read more
In Defense of the Trefoil, a Perfect Girl Scout Cookie
Each year, the Girl Scouts of America emerge from their campgrounds and crafty shadows to remind the people of this nation that some things are still good and true. Young ladies care about the community and the environment. They can learn to become confident leaders while conquering the tricky mountain of girl-girl social relations.
Also: ...Read more
We Need to Talk About Death and Applebee's
I thought about death in Applebee's. Where the Maroon 5 flows as freely as the margarita mix. Where burgers are cooked "pink or no pink." Where the waffle fries aren't the only thing getting loaded.
Yes, Applebee's, the nation's gaudy corporate house of camaraderie and savings. Inelegant, loud, the butt of many jokes. Few like to admit they ...Read more
If Taylor Swift is a Biden Psyop, Can We Just Have Healthcare?
An unhinged theory flying around this country, a silly widdle country, is that the United States government has secretly installed Taylor Swift as a psyop, or a psychological operative. This fringe conspiracy, given legs on all the media platforms one might suspect, posits that the Pentagon has orchestrated a spangly, leotarded plot to win the...Read more
Tip Sheet for Ron DeSantis Upon Returning to Florida
ALL-STAFF MEMO FROM THE OFFICE OF FLORIDA GOV. RON DESANTIS
Subject: One-pager of tips and talking points for the governor's reunification with Florida
(SET BOLD) Goals (END BOLD)
Gov. DeSantis has suspended his presidential campaign after realizing Iowa is cold, but not chill. Floridians waited with perverse curiosity to see if he might ...Read more
I Swear This Is Not a Column About My Dead Cat
This is not a dead pet column. Honest. The bar for a dead pet column should be quite high. If every American writer spun prose when their pets died, readers would be left with nothing else. Who would be available to write a take about what Selena Gomez whispered to Taylor Swift at the Golden Globes? Who would make sense of our night terrors ...Read more
A Floridian Reviews 'Steamboat Willie'
Great news for any creatives itching to appropriate a wholly specific, old-timey version of Mickey Mouse without legal woes. "Steamboat Willie," a short film featuring an early incarnation of Disney's scampering icon, has entered the United States public domain along with other expired copyrights (hunker down, fans of "Lady Chatterley's Lover"...Read more
Please Respect Those Who Are Bad at Work This Week
If you are resuming responsibilities after a holiday spent flopping around like a southern elephant seal who subsists on Toblerone, Christmas ale and cream soup casseroles, I am deeply sorry.
Because not only does the first week of January signal an end to a culturally agreed-upon period of fantasy, it draws out the most diametrically opposed...Read more
Low-Stakes New Year's Resolutions
Since the dawn of my Type-B existence, I have been a strong proponent of taking it easy around the new year. The population gets hyper come January, frantically trying to become leaner, cleaner, clearer, richer and smarter atop a firm December base of caramel brittle and honey ham.
Meanwhile, all the corporations are peering out from behind ...Read more