To My Laundry Chair: I Couldn't Have Done It Without You
For years, we had a lovely furniture showpiece in the bedroom. The microfiber chair from Crate and Barrel was royal blue, plush, with matching throw pillows. And for years, we did not set eyes on this chair, let alone sit in it.
Why? You know why. It was the Laundry Chair. Maybe you pretend not to have one. Perhaps you shove the laundry into a closet moments before company arrives, and then show off your elegant sitting area like it's a Victorian fainting room for recovering from boned corsets.
But you know the grisly truth. Other versions of Laundry Chair include Laundry Window Seat; Laundry Ottoman; Laundry Secretary Desk; Laundry Treadmill/Peloton; and Laundry Basket So Full It Has Become A Flat Surface For More Laundry.
Laundry Chair blends into the scenery, melting into an amorphous blob between the wall and the floor. Once the room absorbs the soul of Laundry Chair, like a haunted Ikea, Laundry Chair becomes immutable. Occasionally, it catches your eye. You think, "If I get murdered and the crime scene photos end up on '48 Hours Investigates,' this laundry situation is going to be so embarrassing."
Our showdown with Laundry Chair came suddenly. We got a new bedroom set and decided to reconfigure the space. After moving everything, the room still felt cramped and chaotic. The conversation between my husband and I went something like:
"I feel like there should be more room in here."
I eye Laundry Chair.
He eyes Laundry Chair.
"Maybe ... we should ..."
Plenty of articles and blogs are devoted to "accent chairs," a phrase like "jumbo shrimp." Apartment Therapy argues that "accent chairs give you another place to play with color, pattern, and texture, but they're also a perfect spot for reading, laying out your clothes, and setting down a bag or another oft-used object."
See? Most of the paragraph is devoted to setting things on the chair.
It's time to stop the lies. There is no point in a bedroom chair. What, are you going to just ... sit? Think about international conflicts? Bedrooms are for lying flat, ruminating on failed dreams. Bedrooms are for checking your phone, even though it's harming your circadian rhythms. Bedrooms are for trying on six outfits before choosing the same black shirt and jeans you wear every day, and then placing the six outfits on Laundry Chair.
After we moved the bed, I flopped down to begin my God-ordained purpose of looking at my phone. Suddenly, laundry was flying about, and the chair was on the move.
"We need to do this now, or we'll never do it," he said. He was right.
Laundry Chair is in the living room now, where we actually sit on it. The bedroom feels much more spacious, liberated from fraudulent seating. And yet, there is a new problem. We have to put the laundry away.
In related news, I'd like you to meet my new friend: Laundry Stool.
Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephhayeswrites on Facebook, @stephhayes on Twitter or @stephrhayes on Instagram.Copyright 2021 Creators Syndicate Inc.