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How to Keep Critical Race Theory and Other Bummers Out of Schoolbooks

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Maybe you've heard the term "critical race theory" at 25-cent wing night. No? Well, you didn't come here to read a lot of words, just like students don't go to school to learn icky stuff. So, in a nutshell:

Lawmakers in 15 states want to ban teachings that imply the United States is racist, or make white people feel bad. In Florida, for example, the State Board of Education voted to keep certain lessons about racism and potty-mouth no-nos out of public schools.

"Teaching kids to hate their country and to hate each other is not worth one red cent of taxpayer money," Gov. Ron DeSantis said in March.

Woof, putting this into practice is going to be a challenge. There's a lot to feel bad about in U.S. history, starting with "Nookie" by Limp Bizkit. If we're heading in a patriotic, feel-good direction, textbooks will need a rewrite.

Let's start with the McGraw Hill AP U.S. History 2020 study guide. Here are some suggested edits to get the ball rolling uphill.

While supporters of independence were in the ascendancy and controlled the state governments, not all Americans wanted to renounce their allegiance to the mother country.

 

EDIT: Actually, everyone was super into it. There is no such thing as a "mother country," more like a "cool aunt." Old Navy stores experienced a run on flag tank tops in 1776, because everyone was so supportive.

Native Americans saw nothing for themselves in the Declaration of Independence or a free United States. While some Native Americans fought with the Americans, most supported the British because they feared the land hunger of the new nation.

EDIT: Native Americans actually invited all the Founders to a party, and while it was awkward at first, everyone relaxed when they started a dialogue and said, "You know, I'm just not a political person."

The triumphant Democratic-Republicans led a unified country in which they faced no significant political opposition. James Monroe was easily elected president in 1816 and served for two terms. The period from 1816 to 1823 became known as the Era of Good Feelings.

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