Taco-in-a-cone is the answer.
Last week, I wore white -- a horrific mistake, and not just because we are well past Labor Day. The selection of the lacy white shirt was bound to leave me full of regret because I am a messy eater and I had a full day of meetings ahead of me -- the first one being a lunch meeting.
Grace has never been my strong suit, and the lack thereof hits full klutz velocity when food is involved. Blessed with a greater-than-average protruding chin, I manage to catch some food that doesn't quite make it into my mouth. Blessed with a greater-than-average-sized chest, I catch the rest before it hits the table or the floor. My shirts can get messy -- especially when I'm at a luncheon meeting and I'm circulating a lot of nervous energy. And especially when I wear white.
The horrific mistake in attire selection was mentally noted the moment I sat down at the table. An image flashed of me shaking hands with new CEOs, meeting after meeting, each one complimenting the interesting polka-dot design on my blouse. I'd say, "Oh, you're too kind. But those are actually SpaghettiOs." They'd look at me in disgust, so I'd quickly follow up with, "Chef Boyardee." The execs would nod, looking pleased. Everyone likes a designer label. After all, we're talking about a business meeting.
When the waiter came by to take our orders, I couldn't decide what to get. The meals I was interested in had full stain potential. Covertly, I asked the waiter which meal he would suggest for minimum drop, slurp and splatter potential. "Oh, no, do you have a condition?"
"A condition?" I asked.
"Because we can accommodate you. My cousin shakes and sometimes uses a straw over a spoon."
Now all the business associates at the table were looking over at me, concern in their eyes. What was this horrible affliction I suffered from that led to my spoonless existence?
Beet red, I ordered a salad. No dressing. No beets.
Back in high school, I spoke to a friend who similarly suffered from snack spillage syndrome. He had come up with a genius solution: the taco in a cone.