Drunk Driver Excuses pt. 1

Humor / Jokes /

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.��...

Horrible Addiction

Humor / Jokes /

I think it's a chilling reminder of my mortality, that I am never more than a few hours from that grisly implosion of a death known as starvation. No matter how much I eat, before long the cravings resurface, and the withdrawal symptoms ravage my innards.

"I am Snook Draddots," I would say, were my name actually Snook Draddots, "and I am a food...Read more

Saint Peter & the musician

Humor / Jokes /

Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."

St. Peter...Read more

Say, why did the foreman fire you?

Humor / Jokes /

Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?"

Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."

The Score

Humor / Jokes /

When I was visiting a friend who lived on the edge of a wilderness preserve, we drove along a rutted trail, and we saw a small creek ahead whose bridge was under water.

"We have a serious beaver problem," our friend said. "They build dams that cause the creek to flood. Forest rangers take down the dams, and the beavers rebuild them."

As we got...Read more

Whale Watching Tips: How to Make the Most of Your Tour

Humor / Jokes /

Taking a boat tour to observe whales in their natural habitat is an exciting experience. Seeing whales up close can't help but make you think about the mysterious life under the ocean and how rarely our two worlds combine.

Whale watch tours can be expensive though and, unless you're lucky enough to live near a whale watching destination, ...Read more

Was there a sequel to "Tomorrow Is Another Day"?

Humor / Jokes /

Margaret Mitchell, who wrote "Gone With the Wind," never wrote a book before that, and never wrote a book after that. Her original title for the book was "Tomorrow Is Another Day"; her publisher changed it to "Gone With the Wind." The publisher also changed the heroine's name from Pansy O'Hara to Scarlett O'Hara.

Today's Word "bridewel"

Humor / Jokes /

bridewell \BRYD-wel\ (noun) - A prison

"Men arrested for crimes such as trespass, public intoxication, lewdness, and domestic violence could be confined to the demiprison of the bridewell."

After a prison that formerly stood near the church of St. Bride in London during 1545-55.

listid: 3

Free Space

Humor / Jokes /

Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"

Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

Driving Offense

Humor / Jokes /

The Policeman couldn't believe his eyes as he saw the woman drive past him, busily knitting. Quickly he pulled along the vehicle, wound down his window and shouted "Pull over!"

"No" she replied, "they're socks!"

Late Night Funny #4

Humor / Jokes /

Following news that the Senate healthcare plan will not pass, President Trump said that it is important to get more Republicans into office. More? Pretty sure when the "Titanic" was sinking, the answer wasn't more icebergs.

Seth Meyers

Late Night Funny #3

Humor / Jokes /

After the failure of the GOP healthcare plan, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell outlined plans to repeal Obamacare without a bill to replace it. The same way we got rid of Obama without a good plan to replace him [picture of Donald Trump].

Seth Meyers

Late Night Funny #2

Humor / Jokes /

The Republican bill to repeal and replace Obamacare has officially fallen apart. But Republicans say they're just going to let Obamacare fail while they regroup and figure out a new plan. And Democrats said, "Hey, that's the same thing we're doing with Trump.

Jimmy Fallon

President Trump Casually Makes Another Damning Admission: The Daily Show

Humor / Jokes /

In a New York Times interview, President Trump claims he wouldn't have picked Jeff Sessions as attorney general if he knew he would've recused himself from the Russia probe.

Late Night Funny #1

Humor / Jokes /

Trump had dinner with Republican senators at the White House. They were served steak and lima beans. And Trump wasn't allowed to leave the table until he finished all of his lima beans. The president was seen scraping them onto the floor. "Do we have a dog?"

Jimmy Fallon

Cheapskate Carpet Tip

Humor / Jokes /

Increase the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.

Join the Army of the Lord

Humor / Jokes /

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door, as he always is, to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How ...Read more

Quick Ones

Humor / Jokes /

-- Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

-- Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

-- A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but...Read more

Swimming with Sharks

Humor / Jokes /

Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters? He surprised his traveling companions by volunteering to swim to the far-off shore for help. As he swam, his companions were startled by the appearance of two dorsal fins -- great white sharks, heading straight toward the lawyer. To their ...Read more

Horse or Chicken?

Humor / Jokes /

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss ...Read more

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