- It's impossible to believe that the sperm that created you beat out 1,000,000 others.
- The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
- If you were any more stupid, you'd have to be watered twice a week.
- The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
- When your IQ reaches 50, you should sell.
- You ...Read more
- Is there another word for synonym?
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
- What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
- If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone ...Read more
- Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
- I went to a bookstore and asked the ...Read more
Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".
The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The mathematician ...Read more
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.
One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The ...Read more
After teaching high school for nearly 20 years, I thought I'd heard every possible excuse for missing homework until one parent sent me this note: "Please excuse Lori for not having her algebra homework. The cat had kittens on it last night."
Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent.
What's the purpose of the propeller? To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!
Things N GeneralCary Hendrix Jr.
These are the thoughts that we have all had, but have never spoken. THINGS N GENERAL is Cary Hendrix jr.'s compendium of these ideas and hypotheses, filled with wisdom, wit and humor and illustrated by his original cartoons. THINGS N GENERAL will make you laugh, but more important, it will ...
A funeral procession is going up a steep hill on main street when the door of the hearse flies open, the coffin falls out, speeds down main street into a pharmacy and crashes into the counter. The lids pops open and the deceased says to the astonished pharmacist, "You got anything to stop this coffin?"
What is the integral of "one over cabin" with respect to "cabin"?
Answer: Natural log cabin + c = houseboat.
According to The Hollywood Reporter, the salacious new book on the inner workings of the Trump White House is set to become a TV series. They’re calling it ‘The Worst Wing.’
It has come out that President Trump enjoys eating cheeseburgers in bed. He likes to eat cheeseburgers in bed — which explains why Melania likes to go to bed disguised as a salad.
When she arrived (former adult-film star known as Stormy Daniels who claimes she had an affair with President Trump in 2006), he was wearing sweatpants, and they ended up eating in his hotel room. Sweatpants, eating in the bedroom: Even back then he was preparing for the presidency.
Women speaking out has finally led to men speaking about how unfair it was that the women got to speak in the first place.
A lot of people were very skeptical when they heard that Trump only weighs 239 pounds. But it actually checks out when you remember that for the weigh-in, Trump took off his clothes and his hair.
Darla had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.
"Pretty good, I think," replied Darla, "but if I go to work there I won't get a vacation until I'm married."
Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing. "Is that what they told you?"
"No", replied Darla, "but right on the application ...Read more
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?".
The crow answered: Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
To be ...Read more
How do you make milk shake?
Give it a good scare!
Do you know the time?
No, we haven't met yet!
What sleeps at the bottom of the sea?
What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A nervous wreck!
What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
Did you hear about the man who had BO on ...Read more
What do witches eat at Halloween?
Spooketti, halloweenies, devils food cake and booberry pie!
What's Dracula's car called?
A mobile blood unit!
What do you call a hairy beast with clothes on?
Why did the witch go over the mountain?
Because she couldn't go under it!
Why didn't the skeleton want to play ...Read more
Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself gold
Don't worry it's just a gilt complex!
Doctor, Doctor I've broken my arm in two places
Well don't go back there again then!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a dog.
How long have you felt like this?
Ever since I was a puppy!
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal ...Read more