Anyone can save the galaxy once. Watch the brand new trailer for Marvel Studios' Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 and see it in theaters May 5.
MADtv LA Wal Mart Greeter
Paul Ryan, speaker of the House, wrote the profile of Donald Trump. That's what they do, have famous people write the profile of other famous people. He said Trump always finds a way to get it done. He does? Other than his hair, what did he get done? Can't even get his wife to move in with him.
Time magazine today released its annual list of the “100 Most-Influential People in the World.” Making the list this year, Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un, Pope Francis, James Comey, and of course, Donald Trump. Hillary Clinton did not make the list. Which is really crazy. Hillary Clinton influenced a whole half of a country to vote for Donald ...Read more
Major League Baseball is planning to have a "Game of Thrones" theme night at stadiums across the country. Instead of bobbleheads, fans will receive actual severed heads.
Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner hold an incredible amount of political power. That's troubling considering their incredibly small amount of political experience.
In honor of 4/20, Ben and Jerry's introduced a new menu item that's an ice cream waffle cone taco with fudge called a "Choloco." Or as stoners put it, "You had us at ice cream . . . And then you had us at waffle and then cone and then taco!"
Q. How do astronauts eat their ice creams
A. In floats
Q: How do you make a dinosaur float?
A: Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer and add one dinosaur!
Q: What do you get from an Alaskan cow ?
A: Ice Cream
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter?
A: Pi a'...Read more
Zombie TurkeysAndy Zach
Sam Melvin, an underachieving e-reporter, changes when he meets turkeys that won't stay dead. You can shoot 'em, chop 'em, burn 'em—they come back stronger. As Sam tracks down the zombie turkeys and how to eradicate them, his editor, Lisa Kambacher, nags him to turn in his stories and ...
My mom is a less than fastidious housekeeper.
One evening my dad returned home from work, walked into the kitchen and teased her, "You know, dear, I can write my name in the dust on the mantel."
Mom turned to him and sweetly replied, "Yes, darling, I know. That's why I married a college graduate."
An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where I work.
He looked quite concerned at one notation.
"I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn't realize I was that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I didn't offend anyone."
He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in question meant "...Read more
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch, the sailor asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school...Read more
Jump on your magic carpet and revisit the classic Disney animated film about a young boy and his genie. But mostly his genie.
A new arrival causes chaos.
Mayor Bill de Blasio says that when it comes to the health of New Yorkers, big tobacco is enemy No. 1. Enemy No. 2 is pizza.
In smoking-related news, the mayor of New York yesterday proposed a new bill that would raise the price of cigarettes to what would be the highest in the country. If the bill passes, a pack of cigarettes would cost $13 in New York. The only place where cigarettes would cost more is prison.
A man is suing Grindr because over 1,000 men showed up at his place of business demanding sex. Though in fairness, the man does work at "Al’s House of Crullers and Anonymous Gay Sex."
You don't have to Google 'Bill O'Reilly' to read about a television journalist who gets fired from his comfy network gig. It's all in his 1998 novel 'Those Who Trespass: A Novel of Television and Murder.'
Chelsea Clinton recently said that when her mom traveled, she would leave a note for her every day that she was gone. Though every day the note just read, "Keep an eye on your father."
- I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?
- If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.
- In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
- No one ...Read more