Congratulations to Greta Van Susteren on her new, show “For the Record.” If you remember, for years, her old show on Fox News was called “On the Record.” Because “for” the record, she no longer believes anything she said that was “on” the record. I look forward to seeing her future CNN show, “Please Erase the Record.”
According to reports, a group of buyers led by Jeb Bush and Derek Jeter has won the auction to purchase the Miami Marlins. Jeter is excited to get back to baseball, while Jeb is excited to get back to losing.
A new study says that the first humans to arrive in what is now North America may have been Neanderthals. Apparently they came here to vote in the 2016 election.
Donald Trump (Anthony Atamanuik) of The President Show explains how he'll pay for his U.S.-Mexico border wall, reform taxes and make Comedy Central great again.
It looks like Derek Jeter and Jeb Bush will be buying the Miami Marlins. That’s right, one guy who could’ve been president — and Jeb Bush.
An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."
"Why not?" he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead."
The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."
She says, "No, I'm ...Read more
There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.
When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and...Read more
Janie had just become a widow and needed to put an obituary in the paper about her late husband, Bubba. She called the newspaper and asked, "How much does it cost to put an obituary in the paper?"
"The cost is $0.50 per word," said the newspaper editor.
Janie said, "Fine, please print: 'Bubba died'."
The startled newspaper editor explained ...Read more
Zombie TurkeysAndy Zach
Sam Melvin, an underachieving e-reporter, changes when he meets turkeys that won't stay dead. You can shoot 'em, chop 'em, burn 'em—they come back stronger. As Sam tracks down the zombie turkeys and how to eradicate them, his editor, Lisa Kambacher, nags him to turn in his stories and ...
"According to the energy department, high gas prices may be around for the next six months. After that they'll be followed by really high gas prices." --Jay Leno
"President Bush has pledged to grant millions of dollars in tax breaks to national casino companies rushing to rebuild casinos along the Gulf Coast, giving residents who ...Read more
The priest was instructing a class of third- graders at All Saints grammar school.
"There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell.
"But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, ...Read more
Sloths spend most of their time eating, resting, or sleeping; in fact, they descend from their treetops canopies just once a week, for a bathroom
Stateside, they’ve had trouble moving Ivanka’s line of clothing, so they secretly relabeled it as Adrienne Vittadini. That’s how unpopular the Trump name is — her clothing has been put in the Witness Protection Program.
President Trump spoke today at the National Holocaust Museum’s National Day of Remembrance. He reminded the crowd that we must never forget the 6 million people who attended his inauguration.
A company in Japan has created a device to help parents shut down their child’s smartphone if they use it too much. It’s meant for children ages 6 to 12 or the president of the United States.
Alex Jones' groundless accusations against Chobani are nothing new. Stephen reminds us of a similar conspiracy theory that first appeared on 'Brain Fight with Tuck Buckford.'
President Trump did an interview the other day where he said he never realized that being president was such a big responsibility. And somewhere far, far away, Hillary Clinton crushed the wine glass she was holding.
Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead? In reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive.
Nothing seemed to work.
Finally the doctor tried one last ...Read more
- You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
- Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
- Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
- Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um.
- You order your business cards in "half orders" instead of whole boxes.
- When someone asks about ...Read more
At a convention of biological scientists, one prominant researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other researcher replied. "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants ...Read more
One Saturday evening a man walked into a bar and said, "Excuse me, I would like a pint of beer." The bartender served the man his drink and said, "That will be four dollars." The customer pulled out a twenty-dollar bill and handed it to the bartender.
"Sorry, sir," the bartender said, "but I can't accept that."
So, t he man pulls out a ten-...Read more