Signs Your Online Relationship Isn't Working Out pt. 2

Humor / Jokes /

... continued from above

11) After months of shared experiences and emotional investments, she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a Vorpal Sword when she learns you're worth 45,000 points.

10) "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again."

9) Your cyberlover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List.

8...Read more

Signs Your Online Relationship Isn't Working Out pt. 1

Humor / Jokes /

14) You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name, and she's dialing in from Langley, VA.

13) You: Large, hairy man. Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man.

12) Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable" but as "unlikely to get you anywhere."

Continued below...

Perfume Counter

Humor / Jokes /

A teenage girl shopped at the mall and stopped at the perfume counter.

She sees, "My Sin", "Desire", and "Ecstasy".

She says to the salesperson, "I don't want to get emotionally involved...I just want to smell nice."

The Elephant and the Turtle

Humor / Jokes /

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.

"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.

"Yes...Read more

Top 10 Old Folks' Party Games

Humor / Jokes /

10. Musical Recliners

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta

8. Hide and Go Pee

7. Simon Says Something Incoherent

6. Doc, Doc Goose

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over

4. Kick the Bucket

3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear

2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy

1. Sag, You're It!

Late Night Funny #4'

Humor / Jokes /

This week in Washington, D.C., the unthinkable happened. Republicans are trying to repeal and replace Obamacare, again. This is beyond beating a dead horse. This is getting damn close to bestiality, okay. I hope that horse has a safe word.

Stephen Colbert

Late Night Funny #3

Humor / Jokes /

During Melania Trump’s U.N. speech today, she spoke out against bullying. And then her husband took the stage to give the rebuttal.

Seth Meyers

Late Night Funny #2

Humor / Jokes /

Apple CEO Tim Cook is claiming that the $1000 iPhone X is a good value. Cook said, “It’s the last phone you’ll ever need for the next eight months."

Conan O'Brien

Obama's Assessment Of The Graham-Cassidy Bill

Humor / Jokes /

The 44th President's assessment of the 'Graham-Cassidy' healthcare bill begins with a rudimentary definition of the word 'better.'

Late Night Funny #1

Humor / Jokes /

I read that farmers in Europe are close to growing a 3,000-pound pumpkin. Then Americans said, “Eh – let us know when you ELECT one.”

Jimmy Fallon

12 Step Program Of Recovery For Web Addicts pt. 4

Humor / Jokes /

... continued from above

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there ...Read more

Smart Humor

Humor / Jokes /

Father: How were the exam questions?
Son: Easy
Father: Then why look so unhappy?
Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers!

Where was the Magna Carta signed?
At the bottom!

What are you going to be when you get out of school?
An old man!

What did you learn in school today?
Not enough,...Read more

Play on the words

Humor / Jokes /

"Welcome to Entropy Burgers -- may I take your order?"

"I put in disorder a long time ago. The service here is getting worse all the time."

"My experience Gibbs me reason to believe you."

"I know the waitress who asked that, too. Her name's Ellen Omega. She really made me thermally dynamic. So, I asked her out. I tell you, when she don't like...Read more

How Army Policy Began

Humor / Jokes /

This is Army policy all begins...

Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with ...Read more

Legal Questions

Humor / Jokes /

What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers?

1. How much money do you have?

2. Where can you get more?

3. Do you have anything you can sell?

Everything Wrong With The LEGO Batman Movie

Humor / Jokes /

Even LEGO movies have sins. This one is no different. I mean, what kind of a monster microwaves lobster in the shell?!?!

Late Night Funny #4'

Humor / Jokes /

Trump doubled down on his new nickname for Kim Jong Un. "Rocket Man is on a suicide mission for himself and for his regime." Mr. President, don't give our enemies nicknames that make them sound cooler! "I will destroy Commander Jetpack and Admiral Ice Cream Sex Machine."

James Corden

Late Night Funny #3

Humor / Jokes /

During his address to the U.N. today, President Trump referred to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un as "Rocket Man." Even worse, he referred to nuclear missiles as "boom boom sticks." "Folks, the Rocket Man has boom boom sticks and there's a good chance we're all gonna go ka-blooey."

Seth ...Read more

Late Night Funny #2

Humor / Jokes /

Apple is exploring ways to turn Siri into people's personal therapist. In fact, this morning when I asked Siri for today's weather she said, "Stop trying to replace your father."

Conan O'Brien

Trump's UN Speech Advocates For Both Peace And Nuclear War

Humor / Jokes /

The President made it very clear that peace is his number one priority. Oh, and also all out war, too.


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