According to The Washington Post, President Trump is considering Ted Cruz as a replacement for Attorney General Jeff Sessions. And if you thought Jeff Sessions was bad, you were right.
This afternoon, Republicans in the Senate narrowly won a vote on Obamacare. When I heard this news, I was bummed. And then I found out it was simply a vote to begin debating the future of Obamacare. Which raises the question — what the hell have they been doing this whole time?!
We’re still getting to know Trump’s new communications director, Anthony Scaramucci. I saw that his friends like to call him “the Mooch.” When Trump heard, he was like, “Great, now what am I gonna call Don Jr. and Eric?”
Attorney General Jeff Sessions returns to The Late Show to deliver a sugary rebuttal to Trump.
Today, Senate Republicans voted to move forward in the process to repeal and replace Obamacare, even though they don't know what they're going to be voting on. That’s like going into a hospital and telling the surgeon, "Surprise me! Just go for it!”
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered... what about people who eat with chopsticks -- what do they use? Toothpicks?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to...Read more
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially ...Read more
"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny." -- Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts
"Experts at Guinness have announced that a man in India has set a new world record for having the most cement blocks...Read more
In the doctors office two patients are talking.
"You know, I had an appendectomy last month and the doctor left a sponge in me by mistake."
"A sponge!" exclaims the other. "Does it hurt much?"
"No...no pain at all," says the first, "but...boy, do I get thirsty!"
Tina Fey was nominated for a 2014 Emmy for Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series!
We do not discuss it with outsiders.
A Texas coffee company is recalling one of its roasts after male customers reported a “Viagra-like effect.” Wives are calling it the worst part of waking up.
Discovery Channel’s Shark Week made a huge deal about a race between Michael Phelps and a great white shark and they were talking it up all week. Well, people on Twitter were very disappointed that they used CGI and Phelps wasn’t actually racing alongside a great white shark. What do people expect? You can’t get a shark to have a race on ...Read more
Now that Stephen has the impression down, the White House's new communications director can run but he can't hide.
I read that you can now buy a new, wine-flavored jelly. Which is a great idea until your kid’s teacher calls and says, “I dunno what happened to Billy. He ate a PB&J and keeps singing ‘Don’t Stop Believing.’”
Speaking of Romney, I read that his campaign has raised $10 million in California over the last two days. One million was from a fundraiser while $9 million was from Romney checking a pocket in some old khakis."
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it...Read more