After teaching high school for nearly 20 years, I thought I'd heard every possible excuse for missing homework until one parent sent me this note: "Please excuse Lori for not having her algebra homework. The cat had kittens on it last night."
Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent.
What's the purpose of the propeller? To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!
A funeral procession is going up a steep hill on main street when the door of the hearse flies open, the coffin falls out, speeds down main street into a pharmacy and crashes into the counter. The lids pops open and the deceased says to the astonished pharmacist, "You got anything to stop this coffin?"
What is the integral of "one over cabin" with respect to "cabin"?
Answer: Natural log cabin + c = houseboat.
According to The Hollywood Reporter, the salacious new book on the inner workings of the Trump White House is set to become a TV series. They’re calling it ‘The Worst Wing.’
It has come out that President Trump enjoys eating cheeseburgers in bed. He likes to eat cheeseburgers in bed — which explains why Melania likes to go to bed disguised as a salad.
When she arrived (former adult-film star known as Stormy Daniels who claimes she had an affair with President Trump in 2006), he was wearing sweatpants, and they ended up eating in his hotel room. Sweatpants, eating in the bedroom: Even back then he was preparing for the presidency.
Things N GeneralCary Hendrix Jr.
These are the thoughts that we have all had, but have never spoken. THINGS N GENERAL is Cary Hendrix jr.'s compendium of these ideas and hypotheses, filled with wisdom, wit and humor and illustrated by his original cartoons. THINGS N GENERAL will make you laugh, but more important, it will ...
Women speaking out has finally led to men speaking about how unfair it was that the women got to speak in the first place.
A lot of people were very skeptical when they heard that Trump only weighs 239 pounds. But it actually checks out when you remember that for the weigh-in, Trump took off his clothes and his hair.
Darla had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.
"Pretty good, I think," replied Darla, "but if I go to work there I won't get a vacation until I'm married."
Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing. "Is that what they told you?"
"No", replied Darla, "but right on the application ...Read more
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?".
The crow answered: Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
To be ...Read more
How do you make milk shake?
Give it a good scare!
Do you know the time?
No, we haven't met yet!
What sleeps at the bottom of the sea?
What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A nervous wreck!
What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
Did you hear about the man who had BO on ...Read more
What do witches eat at Halloween?
Spooketti, halloweenies, devils food cake and booberry pie!
What's Dracula's car called?
A mobile blood unit!
What do you call a hairy beast with clothes on?
Why did the witch go over the mountain?
Because she couldn't go under it!
Why didn't the skeleton want to play ...Read more
Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself gold
Don't worry it's just a gilt complex!
Doctor, Doctor I've broken my arm in two places
Well don't go back there again then!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a dog.
How long have you felt like this?
Ever since I was a puppy!
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal ...Read more
Rowan Atkinson learning kung fu
A brothel in Nevada has announced it will start accepting the digital currency Bitcoin as a form of payment, because there’s a huge market for people who understand Bitcoin and also can’t get laid.
President Trump’s doctor predicted that the president will have and live a long life. As a result, the doctor’s now treating Melania Trump for depression.
O.K., with the president being 6’3”, 239, according to the body mass index by the federal Health and Human Services Department, Trump is overweight and just one pound shy of obesity. One pound short of being obese! That’s awfully convenient. ‘Listen, doc, I don’t want to be obese. But I feel like this wad of cash is about one pound. ...Read more
The official White House physician lists President Trump as being in "excellent" health despite reported fast food binges and memory loss.