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Gene walks into a low bar

Gene Weingarten on

WASHINGTON -- This from a recent story in the New York Times:

"After days in which his very fitness for office was debated, Mr. Trump appeared intent on demonstrating that he could handle the presidency. He was in command of the meeting while inviting input. He did not berate anyone. He did not call anyone derogatory nicknames. He signaled that he was open to compromise."

Trump gets an awesomely low bar. I want that same low bar. I want to be described in the following manner:

Gene Weingarten entered the room. He did not fart loudly. He sat but did not manspread, something of an accomplishment for a man with an enlarged prostate. He spoke in his customary voice, which was high pitched and New Yorkish, but not nearly as nasal as the Nanny and not as Mafia-thuggish as Anthony "The Mooch" Scaramucci.

Not a single woman in the room moved away from him in disgust, at least initially.

He was dressed, as is his custom, in clothing that may have been unattractive but was completely appropriate for the workplace inasmuch as it was free from vomitus and exposed only those parts of his body that are appropriately exposed, such as the head and hands. His head was ugly but nothing really grotesque like Quasimodo or a person who had been tragically crushed to death by a steamroller, with googly eyes and extruded viscera.

Gene Weingarten, 66, did not drool.

When he addressed others, he may have called co-workers certain names, making inventive use of a series of words flagged "vulgar" in the dictionary, but he did it in a jocular manner appreciated by many, if not all. No one formally accused him of being a crude, foul-mouthed bully with the sensitivity of a corduroy condom at that time. It was noted that he did not wear mirrors on the tops of his shoes so as to look up skirts.

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Mr. Weingarten has a great deal of hair, unlike many men who go bald at an earlier age, (BEG STRIKETHRU)such as his editor, who will cross out this line(END STRIKETHRU). And though his hair is unruly, it is actually composed of hair and follicles and, contrary to some speculation, does not come off when yanked.

The applause that followed his address was definitely louder than the occasional boos and hisses and the very sparsely scattered calls for his immediate dismissal on grounds of flagrant indecency.

Several in attendance offered enthusiastic praise for his performance. "Thank God he didn't go where I thought he was going to go," said one attendee who asked for anonymity because she didn't want to get stalked by him afterward. "He was absolutely masterful," said another, who requested anonymity because he didn't want to be quoted talking about himself.

Following his talk, Mr. Weingarten repaired to a bar where he was praised by all for consuming not quite enough beer to render him entirely horizontal.

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Gene Weingarten can be reached at weingarten@washpost.com. Follow him on Twitter, @geneweingarten. Chat with him online Tuesdays at noon Eastern at www.washingtonpost.com.

(c) 2018, The Washington Post Writers Group


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