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Byejinks

Gene Weingarten on

WASHINGTON -- Wasn't it great when a disgruntled Twitter contractor, in what was presumably his or her final act on the job, deleted Donald Trump's account? Many people looked back with gratitude at the blessed 11 minutes of silence that ensued before the sedition was discovered and reversed. Me, I found myself looking ahead: What other emotionally satisfying, seditious final acts -- coined "byejinks" by online commenter Brad Levy -- could accompany one's last day on the job?

With a little help from some friends, I came up with a few:

Comcast employee: Call in to the boss, giving him a "four-hour window" during which he can expect you to show up for work, unless you wind up not coming in at all, in which case you can reschedule for tomorrow.

Magician's assistant: When you are being "sawed in half," crawl out of your little half-box and explain that you got a nasty cramp squeezing in there.

ESL teacher: Teach your students the wrong word for common objects and expressions. Examples: "Butter" (equal sign) "butt." "Where is the bathroom?" (equal sign) "Please salivate on my shoes."

Sausage-factory worker: Make a video of the process and post it online.

Electronics factory worker: Go to the roof of the building, drop 5,000 microphones off it, and walk away.

Starbucks barista: Write your resignation letter to the boss on the side of a cup. Spell his name wrong.

Stripper: Perform your last dance, start to finish, in a burqa.

Uber driver: Whatever their actual destinations, drop all your fares off at the local Uber headquarters.

Ballet dancer: In the middle of a performance of "Swan Lake," start twerking.

Royal palace guard: Leave your post doing the Monty Python silly walk.

Gym worker: Set all scales heavy by five pounds.

 

IT worker: Rerecord the company voicemail. "Your call is not very important to us. Please sit on your thumb and rotate."

Comics Editor for King Features Syndicate: Replace the "different" cartoon in Slylock Fox's "Spot the Differences" puzzle with the original one.

White House chef: Serve everyone at the table two scoops of ice cream, but only one for Trump.

Webmaster for the Social Security popular-baby-name database: Create a new top 10 for girls: Mabel, Myrtle, Mildred, Muriel, Bertha, Dorcas, Gertrude, Temperance, Hortense and Edeltraut.

Worker at an STD clinic (or a plastic surgeon's office): Send a group farewell email to all your boss' clients. Include all of their names in the "To" field.

Supermarket clerk: Relabel expiration dates on all meats and produce to "June 2015."

Wedding planner: Give DJ a list of "requests" from the bridezilla to play at the reception: "Evil Woman," "(You're) Having My Baby," "Gold Digger" and "If You Can't Be With the One You Love, Love the One You're With."

Theater spotlight operator: Keep moving the light, forcing the performers to walk, then run, to stay in it.

Thanks for the ideas: Robert Schechter, Jennifer Broadway, Claire Keeler, Rachel Manteuffel, Bruce Alter, Bruce Niedt, Neil Versel, Rob Cohen, Mike Creveling, Stephen Litterst, Kathleen Giotta Delano and Mark Mironer.

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Gene Weingarten can be reached at weingarten@washpost.com. Follow him on Twitter, @geneweingarten. Chat with him online Tuesdays at noon Eastern at www.washingtonpost.com.

(c) 2017, The Washington Post Writers Group

 

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