Gene Weingarten on

Ballet dancer: In the middle of a performance of "Swan Lake," start twerking.

Royal palace guard: Leave your post doing the Monty Python silly walk.

Gym worker: Set all scales heavy by five pounds.

IT worker: Rerecord the company voicemail. "Your call is not very important to us. Please sit on your thumb and rotate."

Comics Editor for King Features Syndicate: Replace the "different" cartoon in Slylock Fox's "Spot the Differences" puzzle with the original one.

White House chef: Serve everyone at the table two scoops of ice cream, but only one for Trump.

Webmaster for the Social Security popular-baby-name database: Create a new top 10 for girls: Mabel, Myrtle, Mildred, Muriel, Bertha, Dorcas, Gertrude, Temperance, Hortense and Edeltraut.

Worker at an STD clinic (or a plastic surgeon's office): Send a group farewell email to all your boss' clients. Include all of their names in the "To" field.

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Supermarket clerk: Relabel expiration dates on all meats and produce to "June 2015."

Wedding planner: Give DJ a list of "requests" from the bridezilla to play at the reception: "Evil Woman," "(You're) Having My Baby," "Gold Digger" and "If You Can't Be With the One You Love, Love the One You're With."

Theater spotlight operator: Keep moving the light, forcing the performers to walk, then run, to stay in it.

Thanks for the ideas: Robert Schechter, Jennifer Broadway, Claire Keeler, Rachel Manteuffel, Bruce Alter, Bruce Niedt, Neil Versel, Rob Cohen, Mike Creveling, Stephen Litterst, Kathleen Giotta Delano and Mark Mironer.


Gene Weingarten can be reached at Follow him on Twitter, @geneweingarten. Chat with him online Tuesdays at noon Eastern at

(c) 2017, The Washington Post Writers Group



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