Less is more
I once had a chance to ask Julia Child if there was any seasoning she flat-out didn't like. "Garlic salt," she said instantly and violently, like someone spitting out a bad clam. This dried monstrosity tastes sorta like garlic only in the sense that cherry Kool-Aid tastes sorta like Lafite Rothschild. My mom habitually used garlic salt and, I say this with fondness, she was a terrible cook. However, Old Bay tastes like something scraped from the rust around toilet pipes then mixed with dandruff harvested from grave-robbed corpses. Faced with this difficult choice, I'm going with garlic salt, in honor of my ma.
Noogies vs. wedgies
Noogies. Underpants and pain are two things that should never go together.
Eric vs. Don Jr.
Tough one. Both like to shoot magnificent wild animals. Junior once compared Syrian refugees to a bowl of Skittles and has re-tweeted white supremacists. Eric once said that Democrats "are not even people." Both seem genuinely stupid and malign. But the nod here goes to Junior, because he may have actually, deliberately -- because he thought it was smart and advantageous -- provided investigators with enough evidence to get himself indicted.
Nuclear annihilation vs. a slow slide into national mediocrity, fascism and, ultimately, barbarism
This is not as easy a choice as it seems at first glance. There are things to which death is preferable. But I am going with barbarism as the lesser evil, because even in a state of totalitarianism, chaos and violence, there might still be oysters.
Blow to your funny bone vs. stubbing your toe
Stubbing your toe is better because it merely hurts. A blow to the funny bone adds some creepy existential anxiety. You feel like the human body should not ever feel any sensation like that, as though God is urging you to consider your mortality. Added ironic fact: The funny bone, which is really the ulnar nerve, is right at the end of the ... humerus.
My editor vs. a sharp stick in the eye
Depends. If the stick actually penetrates the eyeball and takes out the retina, then probably Tom the Butcher.
Gene Weingarten can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow him on Twitter, @geneweingarten. Chat with him online Tuesdays at noon Eastern at www.washingtonpost.com.
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