WASHINGTON -- This week marks the first anniversary of the inauguration of Donald Trump, which means you are going to face a barrage of tedious first anniversary stories. The media will be unkind to the president, but we will tend to use anodyne adjectives, such as "unconventional," for the same reason that we don't tend to publish photos of ...Read more
WASHINGTON -- At exactly 4:44 a.m. on Monday, Dec. 4, unable to sleep after an anxiety nightmare featuring Donald Trump, I fired up my laptop, and the very first thing I saw was: "In a series of early-morning tweets, Mr. Trump ... " at which point I stopped reading and emailed my editor: "It is Begun."
He and I had recently discussed the ...Read more
WASHINGTON -- To: Exalted Commandant and Plenipotentiary, Big Vegetable Inc.
Re: A business proposal
I want to congratulate you and your conglomerate for pulling off the marketing feat of modern times, and to suggest that we collaborate on a book. The book would be called "How to Get Rich by Cornering the Market on Goo." I ask that you contact...Read more
EDITORS: This column was originally published in 2006.
WASHINGTON -- I am a "word person." My vocabulary is extensive, my command of grammar and syntax almost without error. I can accurately conjugate most any verb, including "to lie," which gets pretty complex in the pluperfect. I understand the difference between epistemology and hermeneutics...Read more
WASHINGTON -- To: Administrators, the National Medal of Science
Re: My submission for your consideration
It is rare that this prestigious prize is awarded in the field of sociology. As a forensic sociologist, I am hoping you will review my findings below and act appropriately.
I believe I have identified a new language -- more specifically, a...Read more
WASHINGTON -- Editor's note: This is the sixth cat-related column Gene has written in 2017. As a service to our readers, he will be docked $7,000 in pay for each subsequent one.
"Herding cats" may be the most common term to describe an exasperating, nearly impossible job. I found a better one: "Herding cat."
Late in October, my daughter...Read more
WASHINGTON -- Wasn't it great when a disgruntled Twitter contractor, in what was presumably his or her final act on the job, deleted Donald Trump's account? Many people looked back with gratitude at the blessed 11 minutes of silence that ensued before the sedition was discovered and reversed. Me, I found myself looking ahead: What other ...Read more
This column is adapted from Gene's Nov. 14 online chat introduction.
WASHINGTON -- This column is about humor. But it is not funny.
If you read about Louis C.K.'s actions, and if you understand and care about standup comedy, you might well be aghast. What he said and did was particularly manipulative, and particularly insidious.
WASHINGTON -- Imagine a footprint in the snow left by a mosquito. That's roughly the size of the carbon footprint left on Earth by my friend Bruce Friedrich. Because he hates to burn hydrocarbons, Bruce bikes nearly everywhere -- 10 miles is a short hop for him. His shoes, his wallet, and everything else of his that could be leather, isn't. He ...Read more
WASHINGTON -- I am on the phone with Tom Herbort of Franklin, North Carolina.
Me: When my 10-pound cat somehow managed to knock the 10-pound porcelain lid off the toilet tank in my bathroom, and it shattered, I figured this sort of thing would be something that happened so infrequently I'd have to replace the whole tank, or, as my landlady ...Read more
WASHINGTON -- Columnists -- particularly humor columnists -- are desperate folk. Under the constant tyranny of deadlines, frantically hunting for something to write about, they will shamelessly mine their own lives -- anything to find 700 words. To get a cheap laugh, the most pathetic of them will readily forfeit their privacy and their dignity....Read more
WASHINGTON -- Nothing can kill it. It has outlasted maniacs with machine guns. It has withstood the fury of hurricanes and earthquakes. It has even endured withering satire -- public ridicule of the sort that costs government officials their jobs -- and each time it has come back in full force, unbowed and unashamed.
I am talking about "...Read more
WASHINGTON -- Today is the newest installment of my Pulitzer Prize-winning coverage of the plight of the beleaguered customer service representative.
S.O.S steel wool pads
Me: Do I need to clean off the food scraps from a used S.O.S pad before my dog eats it?
Ingrid: Yes, be sure to rinse it well.
Me: Good. I see it as a good source ...Read more
WASHINGTON -- I may have a solution to most of America's political problems. I found it on a can of sardines.
I was searching the label for a phone number to reach a customer service representative. In my experience, these numbers are usually hard to find, tucked away near the agate listing of ingredients, wedged in near the really boring ones ...Read more
WASHINGTON -- Good news. It is time for more "pokes" / which are poems retelling old jokes.
Stan and the Rabbi, retold as a Shakespearean sonnet
Oh rabbi, Stan is here with troubling news:
"My son, to whom I've taught the Jewish ways,
Just said to me that he has Christian views
And Christian will he be for all his days!"
"It's funny...Read more
WASHINGTON -- As you may remember from my rants in previous columns, I don't approve of baby-naming as a creative art form. We are in the middle of an epidemic of preciousness, and there are no signs that it is abating. In 2016, more Americans named their sons "Camden" than "George." More chose "Maverick" than "Eric." "Messiah" was more popular ...Read more
WASHINGTON -- I'm not one of those columnists who are always taking wildly provocative positions just to attract attention. So please don't question my sincerity when I write today in support of the lady in Washington, D.C., who threw a cup of pee onto a bus driver.
Now, hear me out. I respect bus drivers and acknowledge that pee-flinging ...Read more