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Vintage candy is the real Halloween horror

Daniel Neman, St. Louis Post-Dispatch on

Published in Entertaining

Somewhere, children are crying.

They are crying because they know that they will do everything right. Those who brave the virus will dress up as their favorite spooky entity or superhero, they will knock on neighbors’ doors and maybe even tell a joke.

And then they will come to a house that gets the Vermont Country Store catalog.

Don’t get me wrong: I love the Vermont Country Store catalog. It is full of nostalgic, old-timey things that you can’t find anywhere else. In other words, it is the perfect catalog for me and people like me who think that things generally used to be better than they are now.

Their clothes are made from cotton and wool, in modest styles that I think of as timeless but others would consider hopelessly out of date. You could probably buy bloomers there, and women’s swimsuits that go down to the knee. Made of wool. I appreciate that.

But you can take the whole nostalgia thing too far.

 

“Trick or Treaters Love Our Vintage Wrapped Candies,” proclaims the catalog.

No they don’t, say I. And I will soon be joined by countless unsuspecting children around the country.

There they will be, dressed like Spider-Boys and Elsas. The promise of candy will be enough to cast aside their fear of new people. They will march up to the house, ring the doorbell and be rewarded with a piece of Bit-O-Honey from the Vermont Country Store.

When I was a trick-or-treater, I came to the conclusion that Bit-O-Honey was what was handed out on Halloween by people who hate children. What other reason could there be to give a gift of a beige rock that tastes of nothing and tenaciously adheres to teeth and fillings?

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