You have (no) mail

Bob Goldman on

I don't know about you, but I'm feeling pretty darn popular.

It's true. Lately, my email inbox is always full to the brim, and my telephone never stops ringing. It is also true that the people emailing and calling want money, which I would be happy to give them if I knew who the heck they were, which I don't.

Since I've been so awfully busy stockpiling essential items for a winter of hibernation and isolation, it did take a while to read my emails and listen to my messages. In fact, it's only recently that I felt sufficiently confidant with my winter warehousing -- a hogshead of gin, a flagon of vermouth and 12 jars of cocktail onions -- to free up time to review all the incoming.

It was quite a surprise. Apparently, there's an election going on. Who knew?

Once I started reading my mail and listening to my phone calls, I realized that I had not gained a new group of BFFs. On the contrary, these calls and messages had little to do with me or my wonderful personality. It was almost like they were written by robots! My suspicions were confirmed the day after the election when my email box suddenly emptied and my phone fell silent.

My new friends had left me alone and lonely. I had no emails to ignore and no phone calls to block. I felt like a complete loser. It was then that I discovered a big batch of deeply personal communications totally hidden by the fallout from the political falderol -- a series of increasingly frantic messages from my employer.


As everyone knows, getting thrown back into the workflow too abruptly can be hazardous to your mental health. To ease the pain, here's a preview of what you can expect:

Aug. 23, 3:30 p.m.

Email from the IT department:

"We're sorry to inform you that your hard drive has been accidently erased. Fortunately, our cloud back-up system kicked in and saved all the emails you sent to 'SlaveMasterX.' We forwarded these emails to your manager, who has requested your projection for the amount of business we can expect from"


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