Thank You for Nothing
Listen, I know you really like this column. I'm thrilled that reading my well-chosen, artisanal words every week is the high point of your drab existence.
What I don't understand is why you don't send a thank-you note.
Would it really kill you to take a few moments out of your depressing day to pop off a few paragraphs of appreciation on quality stationery? Even an email would be a step in the right direction. And what better way to show the difference I make in your life than adding a check for a few hundred dollars? (Cashier's checks only, please. It's not that I don't trust you, but I don't trust you.)
It was only when I read the "Professional Thank You Letter Guide" on the Indeed website that I realized the reason you don't send a thank you isn't because you don't appreciate me: It's because you don't know how.
Which bring us to the professional guide.
"Why are thank-you notes important?" is the first question in the article.
"It's common courtesy," is reason No. 1, though I honestly don't see how anyone living in these frazzled times can consider courtesy common.
"It shows professionalism," is reason No. 2. Unfortunately for you, the level of professionalism demonstrated drops precipitously when you write your thank you with marinara sauce on an empty pizza box.
Reason No. 3 is "it will help people remember you." Indeed. You can be sure their memory of you will be set in stone when the recipient sees your third grade spelling and second grade grammar.
"It is healthy to have a gratitude-oriented mindset," is reason No. 4.