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Fifty Ways to Leave Your Loser

Bob Goldman on

Since you've been concerned about an early dismissal since the day they hired you, better forget being "in the loop."

If you think your employer will attempt to interfere in your future job, the "perfunctory quit" lets you conceal the location of your new company. Since your employer has done nothing but interfere with your current job, leaving in a cloud of mystery makes a lot of sense. It could also make it difficult for the company to forward your final paycheck, so before you leave, take something of equal value. Three paper clips and a pencil should do it.

I especially like the "avoidant quit" because you leave your manager a note or send an email to human resources but never have a face-to-face meeting. Workplace guru Slaughter suggests that if you are concerned your employer will "behave inappropriately," ask for a third party to be present when you inform your manager.

I recommend Miley Cyrus.

If she is unavailable, just leave.

The "impulsive quit" and the "bridge-burning quit" are similar in that they are both only acceptable when your current employer is totally toxic to your "long-term career or personal brand." While ghosting your boss is acceptable in these situations, you are cautioned not to vent your frustrations before you vanish.

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I agree. The time to vent your frustrations is not on your last day: It's on your first day. This will give you more time to look for your next job.

It will also give you valuable practice in the art of quitting.

Remember: The more often you quit, the better you'll be at it. With any luck, no one will ever hire you again.

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Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company, but he finally wised up and opened Bob Goldman Financial Planning in Sausalito, California. He now works out of Bellingham, Washington. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at creators.com.


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