Sylvia Rimm - Column by Dr. Sylvia Rimm

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Lying A Hard Habit To Stop

Sylvia Rimm

Q. For over a year my 10-year-old son will not stop lying to us about little and big things! We have had him write apology letters and make promises to tell the truth, but nonetheless, we can almost predict that he will lie to protect his dignity -- which obviously does just the opposite.

Aside from privilege removal and writing, what strategies can get into the conscience of a 10-year-old boy to prevent habitual lying?

A. Although teaching children to be honest is important for their integrity for the rest of their lives, it seems particularly difficult to teach imaginative and creative children honesty. They often love to tell stories and forget that the stories are only partially true and once they're into sharing their story it's difficult for them to correct themselves. While apologies and promises of truthfulness are appropriate and there should be consequences for lying, it's even better to help children to learn to clearly differentiate their imaginary or exaggerated stories from the truth. So, for example, you could say to your son, "Creative people often tell stories or even expand on true stories. They're not being dishonest as long as they first explain that part of their stories are pretend or imaginary. So if you catch yourself accidentally being dishonest, stop yourself and say, 'oops, that's a lie' or only 'a half truth,' or 'pretend.' Then people will understand that you're not being dishonest and we won't have to punish you."

Encouraging kids to stop and think about what they've said and giving them opportunities to re-label their words helps them to be less defensive and gets them out of the habit of lying. As you mentioned, much of his lying seems to be defensive or about "protecting his dignity."

I don't want to blame you or your spouse for things you haven't said or done, but sometimes children learn lying from their parents who use only "little white lies." For example if you'd rather not talk to a person on the telephone and you tell your spouse to tell the caller you're not at home or asleep, when you are really there, your children learn that lying is sometimes acceptable. If any of the adults in their environment use those seemingly harmless lies for convenience, children easily learn the habit, but generalize it to what works well for them --something more serious than what the person who modeled it used it for. A good way to model honesty for your children is, for example, if you ever receive more change than you are supposed to at the store or restaurant, having your children witness you returning the extra money because you wish to be honest; this will encourage them to value honesty. Your children watch you continuously but may see you differently than you see yourselves.

For a free newsletter about "How to Parent so Children Will Learn," send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094. Read Dr. Rimm's Parenting Articles and submit family questions online at www.sylviarimm.com. All questions are answered.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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This news arrived on: 08/26/2009

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