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Author Bio:
Dr. Sylvia Rimm spent years researching gifted children, as well as those considered to be underachievers. Her studies have resulted in books, ...
Read more about Sylvia Rimm.
Dr. Sylvia Rimm spent years researching gifted children, as well as those considered to be underachievers. Her studies have resulted in books, ...
Read more about Sylvia Rimm.
Sylvia Rimm On Raising Kids: Homework Comes First
Sylvia Rimm
Q. I have a very lazy son who barely studies. His time shifts between
the computer (chatting, games), writing lyrics for rap music,
listening to music and watching TV. He's in high school, and I'm very
afraid he'll have to repeat this year as a result of not studying
enough.
I've tried to limit his above activities in order for him to use the time to study, but it's not working and leads only to heated arguments. Can you advise me as to how to approach this problem?
A. I'm not sure why you're arguing with your son, but it sounds as if he has more power than he should have. When a child doesn't do his homework or study and may be failing classes, he should lose television and computer privileges until he completes his homework. He can gradually earn privileges as he shows responsibility. If you've lost so much control that he'll defy you and watch anyway, you can lock up the television sets by using plug locks or locking the family room that holds all the entertainment. My research on middle schoolers for my book "Growing Up Too Fast" (Rodale, 2005) found that boys were watching screens five times the amount of time as they were doing homework, so at least you know your son isn't alone with this problem.
It does sound as if you need some help in guiding him and that he would benefit from a full evaluation, so it may be best if you start by contacting your school psychologist or a private psychologist for that evaluation. It's possible that your son has some kind of disability and has thus lost confidence. In addition to getting your son some immediate help, I'd suggest you read my book "Why Bright Kids Get Poor Grades" (Crown Publishing, 1995), since the book may provide you with insight about his problem as well.
For a free newsletter about underachievement, learning disabilities, or Growing Up Too Fast, send a large, self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or read "Solving the Mysterious Underachievement Problem" at www.sylviarimm.com.
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Fear Of The Dark At Age 11 Is Unusual
Q. My 11-year-old son has suddenly become afraid of the dark. He has slept alone in his room since infancy, but now is terrified to be alone in the dark. We've put a night-light in his room, allowed him to lock the exterior doors and even put a golf club next to his bed, so he'd have something with which to "defend" himself. We have two dogs in the house that will bark if anyone approaches our home, and we've reassured him about our safety. Nothing has worked. As far as I know, there's been no traumatic event recently to have caused this sudden change. We live in a safe neighborhood and have never had a break-in. Except for this, he's a happy, well-adjusted child who does well in school and enjoys baseball and soccer. He even went to camp last summer for a week and wasn't homesick in the least. We're baffled and sleep deprived! Should we seek professional help for him or be patient and hope that this phase will pass?
A. It's truly surprising that an 11 year old should suddenly begin fearing the dark. It's likely that something has happened to cause his fears and because he admits to nothing, he's either repressed the memory or is afraid to share the truth with you. For now, I suggest letting him sleep in a sibling's room, have the dogs sleep in his room, or turn a light on for a few nights. If none of these are effective, a psychologist may be able to discover what has caused the new fear and help him to get over his irrational fright. You definitely need help if the problem continues.
For a free newsletter about children with fears and fearful children, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094, or read other parenting articles at www.sylviarimm.com.
Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
This news arrived on: 09/17/2008
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Posted Comments:
09-23-2008 17:13
jlu wrote:
I tend to agree with Carol and also the other replies too. Something has definitely happened to put severe fear in your son's life. My thought was maybe certain fearful movies,TV programs or as suggested the internet.What goes in the mind,is manifested in actions. Fear is powerful and can only be dealt with by Confronting the Source.I pray the information given through these responses from others encourage you to seek out the help you need in solving this fearful problem. Be blessed.
09-17-2008 23:02
CAROL wrote:
11 YEAR OLD FEARS THE DARK
TO ME IT SOUNDS LIKE A POSSIBLE SEXUALL ASSUALT AND NOT TELLING YOU IN THE FEAR OF BEING THREATNED. I AM NOT TRYING TO SCARE YOU BUT IT IS SOMETHING TO LOOK INTO.
YOU MAY WANT TO THINK BACK TO WHEN HE STARTED BEING AFRAID OF THE DARK. (EXAMPLES ARE RIGHT AFTER THE CAMP, AFTER A CERTAIN SPORT, DOES HE ACT DIFFERENTLY AROUND A CERTAIN INDIVIDUAL). INCLUDING YOUR BOYFRIENDS (YES, MEN CAN SEXUALLY ABUSE BOYS TOO) OR GIRL FRIENDS, DID IT START AFTER A BABYSITTER, OR AFTER SCHOOL ACTIVITY AND THE LIST GOES ON. DOES HE RESPOND DIFFERENTLY AROUND A CERTAIN PERSON? DOES HE REFUSE TO GO TO A CERTAIN FRIENDS HOUSE ALL OF A SUDDEN?
IF HE WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED YOU AND YOUR FAMILY WILL NEED TO REPORT IT TO THE POLICE AND LET YOUR CHILD KNOW YOU ARE NOT MAD AT HIM, NOT HIS FAULT IT HAPPENED, AND BE THERE FOR YOUR CHILD. YOUR WHOLE FAMILY WILL ALL NEED COUNSELING TO GET THROUGH THIS. IF IT IS SEXUALL ABUSE, WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT BLAME YOUR CHILD OR YOURSELF FOR THE ACTION OF THE PERSON THAT DID THE SEXUAL ABUSE. DO NOT LEAD HIM INTO SAYING ANYTHING (IF GOES TO COURT AND YOU LEAD HIM INTO SAYING THINGS WOULD NOT HOLD UP IN COURT)(PS. IN MOST STATES, IF IT IS SEXUAL ABUSE, THE CHILD MORE THEN LIKELY WILL NOT GO TO COURT, BUT THE COPS WILL TAPE HIS RESPONSES AND SHOW THE TAPE SO THE CHILD WONT HAVE TO FACE THE PERSON AND CHILDS NAME IF TO REMAIN CONFIDENTUAL. (EXAMPLE NEWSPAPERS CANNOT SAY CHILDS NAME)), BUT LET HIM COME OUT AND TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED. CERTAIN EVENTS MAY TRIGGER HIM TO TELL YOU.
ALL THE THINGS YOU DESCRIBED SOUNDS LIKE WHAT MY DAUGHTER DID WHEN A BABYSITER MOLESTED MY DAUGHTER. THE PERSON WENT TO PRISION FOR IT TOO.
BOTTOM LINE: BE THERE FOR YOUR SON AND BE READY EMOTIONLY FOR YOUR SON TO HELP HIM DEAL WITH THE OUTLAYING PROBLEM WHEATHER SEXUALL ABUSE OR SOMETHING ELSE AND HE MAY NEED COUSELING AS WELL AS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.
YOU MAY WANT TO THINK BACK TO WHEN HE STARTED BEING AFRAID OF THE DARK. (EXAMPLES ARE RIGHT AFTER THE CAMP, AFTER A CERTAIN SPORT, DOES HE ACT DIFFERENTLY AROUND A CERTAIN INDIVIDUAL). INCLUDING YOUR BOYFRIENDS (YES, MEN CAN SEXUALLY ABUSE BOYS TOO) OR GIRL FRIENDS, DID IT START AFTER A BABYSITTER, OR AFTER SCHOOL ACTIVITY AND THE LIST GOES ON. DOES HE RESPOND DIFFERENTLY AROUND A CERTAIN PERSON? DOES HE REFUSE TO GO TO A CERTAIN FRIENDS HOUSE ALL OF A SUDDEN?
IF HE WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED YOU AND YOUR FAMILY WILL NEED TO REPORT IT TO THE POLICE AND LET YOUR CHILD KNOW YOU ARE NOT MAD AT HIM, NOT HIS FAULT IT HAPPENED, AND BE THERE FOR YOUR CHILD. YOUR WHOLE FAMILY WILL ALL NEED COUNSELING TO GET THROUGH THIS. IF IT IS SEXUALL ABUSE, WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT BLAME YOUR CHILD OR YOURSELF FOR THE ACTION OF THE PERSON THAT DID THE SEXUAL ABUSE. DO NOT LEAD HIM INTO SAYING ANYTHING (IF GOES TO COURT AND YOU LEAD HIM INTO SAYING THINGS WOULD NOT HOLD UP IN COURT)(PS. IN MOST STATES, IF IT IS SEXUAL ABUSE, THE CHILD MORE THEN LIKELY WILL NOT GO TO COURT, BUT THE COPS WILL TAPE HIS RESPONSES AND SHOW THE TAPE SO THE CHILD WONT HAVE TO FACE THE PERSON AND CHILDS NAME IF TO REMAIN CONFIDENTUAL. (EXAMPLE NEWSPAPERS CANNOT SAY CHILDS NAME)), BUT LET HIM COME OUT AND TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED. CERTAIN EVENTS MAY TRIGGER HIM TO TELL YOU.
ALL THE THINGS YOU DESCRIBED SOUNDS LIKE WHAT MY DAUGHTER DID WHEN A BABYSITER MOLESTED MY DAUGHTER. THE PERSON WENT TO PRISION FOR IT TOO.
BOTTOM LINE: BE THERE FOR YOUR SON AND BE READY EMOTIONLY FOR YOUR SON TO HELP HIM DEAL WITH THE OUTLAYING PROBLEM WHEATHER SEXUALL ABUSE OR SOMETHING ELSE AND HE MAY NEED COUSELING AS WELL AS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.
09-17-2008 17:02
Pat wrote:
Amazing
I am always amazed that some people act as if they are afraid of doing what they need to do to correct the problems with their children. First identify the problem and the real issue, find out if there are other issues which are making your child act out, make sure there are no drugs involved, or bullies, or the beginning of sex relations. Once you identify the problem then find the solution. Addiction to the internet can also mean addiction to pornography or chatting with someone he/she should not be chatting, make sure you put software to monitor the child. If is just electronic games, put restrictions on the time or take the playstation away until his scores are on A. I have a deal with my son. If his scores are above 95 I buy him a game for that gradiung period, If any score is below 90 he loses his games privileges for the entire month. so far it works.
Regards
Pat
Regards
Pat
09-17-2008 16:27
Ed Campbell wrote:
Re: Home work comes first
The first thing I think to do is to limit his time on the internet etc. There is a really good program and it is free that you can use. This program is from Paretologic. The program is called PGSURFER. With this program you can filter out the programs he is allowed to use, and even when and for how long he is on the Internet. What has happened to your son is that he has become addicted to the internet etc. The only way to solve this problem is to cut off access completely much like an amputation. It will be hard but it will be worth it.
Hope this is of help.
Regards,
Ed
Hope this is of help.
Regards,
Ed
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