Q: I'm a 59-year-old "cradle Catholic." I haven't been practicing for about eight months but that's a whole other subject. I've been widowed for almost three years and have adult children. Recently, I begun a relationship with a man I've known all my life. He's also Catholic and widowed with children. He's two years older than me. We struck up an online relationship and I admitted I'd been physically attracted to him since our teens.

Given our ages and marital status, we decided to see where this would go. We had dinner together several times and on New Year's Eve, spent the night together. In my mind, we weren't doing anything wrong, except for the lies by omission I've told my children to get free time; they want to know where I'm going, who I'm with, etc. I can't be honest because this man is my first cousin.

Our relationship, if it continues, will never go beyond casual sex. Children are out of the question, and neither of us is interested in marriage. Are we doing anything illegal? Is our relationship sinful? - L., via godsquadquestion@aol.com

A: There are two matters you might want to think about and pray about before you head toward another motel. The first is the matter of consanguinity. This problem would arise if you decided to marry your first cousin; it's highly discouraged by Church law. In fact, until 1983, marrying your second cousin required a special dispensation. Marriage to a first cousin is still forbidden without a dispensation. If you decide to marry this man, you might be able to get a dispensation because children are not an issue. That covers the genetic/theological question.

You have other problems that are ethical/theological in nature: the matter of sex outside of marriage, and this man's genetic relationship to you. I can't quite tell if these concern you, but in my opinion, and the opinion of the Catholic Church, they're definitely an issue.

The rather old-fashioned Church label for what you're doing is "fornication," which refers to any sexual contact outside of marriage. To clear up this mortal sin, you'd need to go to confession and, of course, stop sleeping with this man.

You describe what you're doing as "casual sex," but the Church doesn't regard intercourse, or sexual contact of any kind, as casual. I agree. I don't want to appear prudish or judgmental, but I urge you to reconsider the consequences of having sex with this man before marriage.

Let's just step back and consider why you're doing this. You don't need to have sex with this man to get to know him; you've known him for decades. You don't need to have sex with him to figure out if you're ready to marry him. You have a sex drive, but at your age, you're not numbed by adolescent hormones that make you incapable of using good judgment about your sexual behavior. You're not pressured by your biological clock to marry and have children.

You're attracted to this man, and that's fine. You may love him, and that's even better, but you're not his wife yet and that's a good reason to hold back on your sexual relationship with him. This seems to me, and it seems to your faith, to be the wise and mature spiritual choice.

Look at what your impetuousness has landed you. You've become a liar to your children, which breaks the bond of trust with them, and you're setting a bad example for them, even though they are adults. Physical attraction is not just a morally distracting force for the young.

Your problem is actually a portal through which you might reconnect to one of the great purposes of religious life: teaching us how to restrain our passions. We don't need religion merely to tell us when to light candles or eat holiday meals. We need religion to teach us how to make good choices. We need religious tutoring to intrude at the most inconvenient times of our lives and give us the wisdom and courage not to do what we want to do.

We need religion to make us selfless when our baser instincts tempt us to selfishness. We need religion to lead us to sacrifice when our baser instincts tempt us to acquisitiveness, and to teach us that sexual urges are not just itches needing to be scratched.

Sex is a great and good thing when linked to love and marriage. It makes our bonds of love physical and fulfilling. However, when unhinged to love in marriage, sex becomes a mere seduction to pleasure, not the fullness of sanctity that God mentions when Adam and Eve became "one flesh."

You're free to make your own choices, but what would be lost if you let your love for this man develop naturally into marriage and then become sexually empowered and sexually enhanced? You can do better than hooking up with an old flame in some no-tell motel. You both deserve better than that.

I'm not surprised that religion gets bashed for providing the essential service of tutoring our passions. Saying no to pre-marital sex in a sex-obsessed society is neither popular nor easily understood but it's the right choice and I recommend it to your troubled heart.

If you do consider marriage, I urge you to speak to your priest as soon as possible about all of this. I urge you to become reconnected and reconciled with your Church and, if it is the desire of your soul, I hope your marriage will bring you a wholeness that's eluded you these past years.

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