Paris Hilton's Energy Plan? That's Hot!

By Clarence Page, Tribune Media Services on Aug 10, 2008

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Who knew that Paris Hilton had an energy policy?

And, you know what? It ain't bad.

Republican presidential candidate John McCain got this odd ball rolling. One of his campaign ads juxtaposed the heiress and Hollywood hottie Hilton's image with fellow paparazzi magnet Britney Spears to mock Democratic candidate Barack Obama's fame and energy policy. This, my friends, is why pre-election summer is often called the "silly season."

Things seemed to get sillier as Paris struck back with an Internet ad cheerfully aimed at the "wrinkly white-haired guy." The skinny blonde-haired cutie introduces her own energy policy clad in a leopard-print bikini at poolside.

Bless you, child. Just when mine eyes were glazing over with presidential petroleum debates, along comes Hilton to give policy wonks something to gape at besides oil rigs and spread sheets.

Since she's appearing in a presidential campaign ad, she reasons, that must mean she is running for president, too. So says the woman who has done for the catchphrase "That's hot" what Gary Coleman on "Diff'rent Strokes" did for "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

But can she reduce our dependency on foreign oil?

Paris' plan goes like this: "Barack wants to focus on new technologies to cut foreign-oil dependency, and McCain wants offshore drilling," she chirps. "Well, why don't we do a hybrid of both candidates' ideas?"

OK. I'm with you so far, Paris.

"We can do limited offshore drilling with strict environmental oversight, while creating tax incentives to get Detroit making hybrid and electric cars."

Keep talking. I'm listening.

"That way the offshore drilling carries us until the new technologies kick in, which will then create new jobs and energy independence. Energy crisis solved."

Gotcha. Sure, she didn't really write the copy for the video. The folks at comedian Will Ferrell's Web site, FunnyorDie.com, did. But she did memorize it.

And, unlike most of her earlier acting ventures, she actually delivers her two-minute script with charm and talent.

Paris is, "like, totally ready to lead," she says, and I am, like, totally impressed. Almost.

Her bring-us-together approach offers hope of a real energy compromise that blends the best of what McCain and Obama offer -- as both have moved closer to each other than either seems to be willing to admit.

For example, back in his 2000 campaign, McCain backed a federal ban on offshore drilling. But when gasoline headed toward $4 a gallon this summer, he decided the ban should be lifted. Then he proceeded to beat up Obama for stubbornly sticking to the ban.

But, as polls show overwhelming national support for lifting the ban, Obama says he, too, would consider at least a little offshore drilling if it were part of a comprehensive energy bill. A "comprehensive energy bill"? The debate is in the details, but so far that sounds a lot like what Ms. Hilton suggests.

Unfortunately, Paris' spot does not have time to detail how she would pay for those tax incentives. Nothing comes free, folks. Tax breaks for automakers have to be paid either by tax increases or spending reductions on the rest of us.

I would suggest, whether at poolside or not, that a more efficient way to spur the production of fuel-efficient cars is what we are seeing now: let oil and gas prices float freely up or down according to demand.

Don't faint. It has only been during times of national panic over rising fuel prices that Detroit gets serious about fuel-efficient cars. We saw that back in the fuel shortages of the 1970s and we are seeing it again this year. In the interim years, Americans slacked off and let Japanese and other overseas automakers take the lead in gasoline-conserving technology.

Only now, in the midst of another big fuel price rise, do we see a big dip in the prices of SUVs sitting unsold on car sales lots and a surge in waiting lists to purchase hybrids.

We need a comprehensive approach to reducing energy costs. We can't reduce our oil dependency by simply reducing the price of gasoline at the pump any more than we can reduce drug addiction by reducing the price of heroin.

But, of course, I am not running for office. That's why I can tell you the truth.

Now that Ms. Paris is throwing her bonnet in the ring ("See you at the debates, bitches," she signs off with a big smile), I hope that McCain and Obama will take her up on her challenge invitation. Invite her to join their debates. I guarantee that the events will be well covered.

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E-mail Clarence Page at cpage(at)tribune.com, or write to him c/o Tribune Media Services, 2225 Kenmore Ave., Suite 114, Buffalo, NY 14207.