The Christmas Gifts We Really Want Just Don't Exist
At this point, we all know the true meaning of Christmas.
That kid from "Peanuts" -- the one with the blanket -- gives us a lecture every year when we watch "A Charlie Brown Christmas." And we see the Grinch's preposterous decision to not make off with an entire town's gifts -- a move that likely would've netted him millions in today's Who dollars -- and are reminded that maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store.
But let's set aside all the "nice" and "heartwarming" and "religiously significant" elements of the holiday for a moment and focus on the 500-pound snowman in the room: We adults rarely get what we actually want.
We might ask for a lovely necklace or a cool electronic gadget, and we might even receive the gift we request. But it's never really what we want.
It can't be. Because the things we desire most, deep down, just don't exist.
I'm talking about the self-serving devices we daydream about, ones that would eradicate life's day-to-day headaches and bring us true joy.
With that in mind, I give you my first annual List of Top Holiday Gifts That Don't Exist But Should:
--The Fecalnator 5000 Backyard Canine Waste Drone. Using the same drone technology employed by our military, this remote-control device allows you to clean up dog poop from the comfort of your sofa. Never again will you hoist a shovel or trudge into the backyard with a fistful of plastic grocery bags. The Fecalnator 5000 hovers over the yard, zeroes in on its target and, with deadly accuracy, vaporizes dog messes with miniature Hellfire missiles. (Extra missiles sold separately.) The drone also comes with a deterrent setting that prompts it to vaporize any unauthorized dogs, rabbits or teenagers who try to use your lawn as a bathroom.
--The Hole-Fix-It 2500 Backyard Missile-Crater Repair Bulldozer. A perfect, and fairly necessary, companion to the Fecalnator 5000.
--The "Gee, Honey, That's SO Interesting!" Earpiece. It's like a hearing aid -- for your sanity! This tiny device can be discreetly slipped into your ear any time your child starts telling you about something incredibly boring. Like a new video game. Or a disagreement with a sibling. Or how his or her day went. Just pop the earpiece in, and it will play your favorite music, podcast or audiobook while giving you occasional politeness prompts like: "Nod your head"; "Say, 'Really? That's SO interesting' "; and "I think he's done talking, you can take me out now." Being a good parent means listening to your children. But who wants to do that? With the "Gee, Honey, That's SO Interesting!" Earpiece, you won't have to. (Can be upgraded for use with spouses for an additional $99.99.)
...continued
(c) 2014 CLARENCE PAGE DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.
