Section 11 of 12 - Table of Contents
HER CHRISTMAS HAT
[Illustration:
WARREN WILLIAMS KITTY, HIS WIFE MISS MINERVA MOCKRIDGE
MAGINNIS GOOGIN EDDIE MRS HONORIA GOOGIN
MRS LAURA LACEY HOGAN HARD TIMES ANNIE]
HER CHRISTMAS HAT
A FARCE IN ONE ACT.
CHARACTERS.
WARREN WILLIAMS _A Young Architect_
KITTY _His Wife_
MISS MINERVA MOCKRIDGE _From Kankakee_
MAGINNIS GOOGIN _The Janitor of the Apartment_
MRS. HONORIA GOOGIN _His Wife_
EDDIE _The Elevator Boy_
MRS. LAURA LACEY _Kitty's Chum_
HOGAN _A Policeman_
HARD TIMES ANNIE _A Beggar_
* * * * *
TIME OF PLAYING--_About Forty-five Minutes._
* * * * *
SCENE: _Living room in an apartment house. Furnishings as desired.
Several Christmas wreaths adorn the room._ KITTY _is discovered
comfortably seated down L. reading a fashion magazine. The door bell
at R. rings._
KITTY. Come in.
_Enter_ EDDIE, _the colored elevator boy. He carries several Christmas
packages._
EDDIE. Yas'm, I'm in.
KITTY. Eddie!
EDDIE. Yas'm, it's me. I 'clare I's loaded up like a reg'lar old Santa
Claus. (_Laughs loudly._) Yas'm, I sure am.
KITTY. Anything for us, Eddie?
EDDIE. Two packages for you and one for Mr. Williams. Santa Claus is
sure liberal to you-all.
KITTY (_taking the three packages_). Thank you, Eddie.
EDDIE (_briskly_). I don't usually bring up de mail, Mis' Williams,
but this is Christmas Day and mos' everybody is anxious to git all
dat's comin' to 'em. I knows I is.
KITTY. Have you had a merry Christmas, Eddie?
EDDIE. No'm, not yet. All I got is a yaller and green striped necktie
from (_insert local name_). He's been wearin' it for more'n a year.
KITTY (_has opened smaller package_). Oh, it's from Rannie Stewart.
(_Takes off tissue paper, disclosing a small bit of white embroidery
tied with a huge pink bow._) Mercy! Another pin-cushion cover. That
makes six I have already. Cost about twenty cents, and I sent her a
perfectly lovely doily embroidered with scarlet forget-me-nots. I'll
never send Rannie Stewart another present as long as I live. (_Throws
box and wrappings into waste basket._) Pink! And she knows my rooms
are in blue and yellow. Eddie!
EDDIE. Yas'm.
KITTY. Here's a little Christmas present for you. (_Hands it to him._)
EDDIE (_reads card on it_). "Merry Christmas to my Darling Kittens."
Is dat for me?
KITTY. Oh, no; not the card, just the embroidery.
EDDIE (_holding it up_). Lawdy, Mis' Williams, what is dis yere? A
dust cap?
KITTY. It's a cover for a pin-cushion. Isn't it a dear?
EDDIE. I hopes you'll excuse me, but honest I hain't got no more use
for dat thing dan a pussy cat has for a hot water bottle.
KITTY (_opening larger package_). Throw it in the waste basket, Eddie.
This is from Warren. I know the handwriting. It looks like a hat.
(_Opens box and removes wrappings, disclosing a hideous red and orange
hat._) Heavens, what a nightmare! Red and orange and a style four
years old. It must have come from the five and ten cent store. Look at
the plume! Oh!
EDDIE (_admiring it_). Um-um, dat shore am a fine present. Your
husband certainly am a man ob taste, he shore am.
KITTY (_sarcastically_). Yes, he has wonderful taste, hasn't he? A
little bizarre. No, it's more than bizarre; it's baroque.
EDDIE. It looks like a hat to me.
KITTY. I know what I'll do. (_Wraps it up and puts it back in box._)
EDDIE. Dat certainly was a nice present, Mis' Williams. Must have cost
a heap of money.
KITTY. It probably did. But it isn't my style. And Madame Brunot never
exchanges hats. What a shame! I suppose he paid an enormous price for
it and I could have satisfied myself with one for half the money. If
only men would allow their wives to select their own Christmas
presents.
_Enter_ LAURA LACEY _from R._
LAURA. Hello, Kittens. I saw your door open and came right in.
KITTY (_kisses her_). That's right, Lolly. I was just going over to
your apartment. I have a little present for you.
LAURA. A present? You dear! (_Kisses her again._)
KITTY. Yes. Here! (_Gives her the box containing the hat._) I hope
you'll like it.
LAURA. A hat? Oh, you darling! (_Kisses her again._)
WARREN (_outside L._). Kitty!
KITTY (_goes to door at L._). Yes, Warren?
WARREN. I can't find my collar button.
KITTY. Did you look on the dresser?
WARREN. Of course I did. I've looked every place except in the
refrigerator.
KITTY. I'll be back in a minute, Laura. Excuse me. (_Hurries out L._)
LAURA (_opens the box hastily and takes out the hat_). Red and orange!
Horrors! And I gave her a cut glass cold-cream jar that I got at the
auction. I wouldn't wear this to a dog fight. Eddie!
EDDIE. Yas'm.
LAURA. You've been a good boy to us all year. I'm going to give you a
lovely Christmas present.
EDDIE. Is you?
LAURA. I'm going to give you this duck of a hat. (_Holds it up._)
EDDIE (_delighted_). Dat red and yaller hat?
LAURA. Yes. Hurry and put it in the box. I don't want Kitty Williams
to know I gave her Christmas present away. (_They put it in box._)
EDDIE. Um-um! Dat shore am some Christmas present. Won't ma lady-love
be delighted with all dat gorgeousness? I certainly am much obliged to
you, Mis' Lacey; I shore am.
LAURA. When Kitty comes back tell her I was called to the 'phone.
(_Goes to door R._) I'll never give Kitty Williams another present as
long as I live. (_Exits R._)
_Enter_ WARREN WILLIAMS _from L._
WARREN. Hello, Eddie. Are you acting as Santa Claus?
EDDIE (_who has put the hat on floor at rear_). Yas, sah; yas, sah.
I's old Santa Claus to most everybody 'cept maself. Looks like old
Christmas done passed me by.
WARREN (_sees package on table_). Hello, here's a present for me.
EDDIE. Yas, sah. I brung it up.
WARREN (_opens it_). Cigars! From my wife. (_Looks at box dubiously._)
She must have got them at a bargain sale. (_Reads cover._) Santas
Odoriferous. (_Passes box to Eddie._) Have a cigar, Eddie.
EDDIE. Yas, sah. Thank you, boss.
WARREN (_lighting one_). Now, that certainly is a sensible present. So
many women don't know how to select a cigar, but Kitty--
EDDIE (_smoking_). Yas, sah. Your wife certainly am a lady ob
discernibility. She shore am.
WARREN. So many women give their husbands such foolish presents.
EDDIE. De lady in Apartment B done give her husband a pearl La
Valliere for Christmas.
WARREN (_takes cigar from mouth, looks at it a moment, replaces it and
smokes furiously_). You like a good cigar, don't you, Eddie?
EDDIE (_removes his cigar, looks at it, replaces it_). Yas, sah. I
likes a _good_ cigar.
WARREN. I tell you these are something like cigars, aren't they?
EDDIE. Yas, sah. Dey's sumpin like 'em, boss, but not quite.
WARREN (_chokes and then throws cigar in cuspidor_). I don't believe I
care to smoke just now.
EDDIE (_does the same_). Neither does I, boss; neither does I.
WARREN. You wouldn't like a nice box of cigars for a Christmas
present, would you, Eddie?
EDDIE (_slowly_). No, sah, I don' 'spects I would. Ma lady-love don't
like to hab me smoke no cigars, kase she says it contaminates ma
presence. Well, I's got to go and deliber de res' ob my Christmas
packages. Merry Christmas, boss. (_Exit R., carrying the hat in the
box._)
_Enter_ KITTY _from L._
KITTY. Warren, I've laid out the costumes in your room. They're too
lovely for anything.
WARREN. Well, did you get it?
KITTY. Get it?
WARREN. Your Christmas present.
KITTY. Oh, yes, I got it. (_Looks around._) Why, where is Lolly?
WARREN. She probably got tired of waiting and went back to her
apartment. How did you like the hat?
KITTY. It was a dream. You're such a good boy and you have the most
wonderful taste in the world.
WARREN. Your cigars were just what I wanted.
KITTY. Why aren't you smoking one?
WARREN. I did. Just one.
KITTY. Just one?
WARREN (_hastily_). I mean--I only smoke one cigar in the afternoon,
you know. But where is your hat?
KITTY. I'm going to have it fixed over a little, Warren. Just enough
to suit my own individuality, you know.
WARREN. Jack Dawson gave his wife a cook stove.
KITTY. Speaking of impossible presents, I just got the most horrible
pin-cushion cover from Rannie Stewart. I threw it in the waste basket.
WARREN. That's what comes of promiscuous giving. I told you how it
would be. First I decided not to buy anything at all, but I couldn't
resist that hat. Your tickets to the masquerade dinner and ball are
the rest of the present.
KITTY. But I told Lolly we'd take tickets from her.
WARREN. I know. I haven't bought the tickets yet. I meant the money
for them was the rest of your present. That and the hat. All my
presents are beautiful practical things that every one wants.
KITTY. Yes, that's so. You have wonderful taste.
WARREN. I didn't even give Eddie anything.
KITTY. It doesn't matter. Oh, Warren. (_Sits on arm of his chair._)
I'm so glad we're going to have tonight all to ourselves. Aunt Minerva
would have spoiled everything.
WARREN. Is she so very awful?
KITTY. Not awful; just good. Real downright good. And so intellectual.
I'm sure she'd never approve of a Christmas masquerade.
(_Ring at the bell at R._)
KITTY. See who it is.
WARREN _admits_ MAGINNIS GOOGIN _from R._
GOOGIN. Merry Christmas, sor.
WARREN. The same to you, Googin.
GOOGIN. I jest drapped in to see if you naded any more heat or
anything like that. My, my, but I've been working hard the day. Sure,
to be the janitor of an apartment house is no cinch at all, at all.
And paple are not as liberal as they used to be, aven at Christmas
time.
WARREN. Have a cigar.
GOOGIN. Thank ye, sor. (_Smokes one._)
KITTY. Warren, you'd better try on your costume. I might have to
change something, you know.
WARREN. But I--
KITTY. Please. We haven't got much time. It's after four.
WARREN (_crosses to left_). All right. (_Exits L._)
KITTY. Now, Mr. Googin, I want you to go down stairs and tell your
wife to come up. I have a nice little present for her.
GOOGIN (_brightening_). Have ye, now? A prisint for Honoria? Sure,
it's a kind and thoughtful lady ye are.
KITTY. She's at home, isn't she?
GOOGIN. She is that.
KITTY. Ask her to come up here and wish us a merry Christmas.
WARREN _appears at L._
WARREN. Kitty, how does that ruffle thing work? I can't get it around
my head at all. I don't know the combination.
KITTY. Oh, I must have sewed it together. Can't you get it over your
head?
WARREN. Not without choking myself.
KITTY. Wait a minute. I'll rip it for you. (_Exits L._)
WARREN (_gets box of cigars and hands it to Googin_). Here's a little
Christmas present, Googin. They're awfully good. I smoked two of them.
GOOGIN (_lights one_). Thank ye, sor.
WARREN. Don't let my wife see you smoking in here. She doesn't like
it.
GOOGIN (_chokes, takes cigar from mouth, looks at it_). What kind of a
stogie is it, Mr. Williams?
WARREN. It's pure Havana. Santas Odoriferous.
GOOGIN (_smells it_). It's odoriferous all right, all right. Begorry,
it smells like someone had been burnin' the beans.
WARREN. That's the way all pure Havanas smell.
GOOGIN. I think I'll chop 'em up and smoke 'em in me pipe. Much
obliged, sor, and merry Christmas to the both of yeez. Tell yer wife
that me and Honoria will be right up. (_Exits R._)
_Enter_ KITTY _from L._
KITTY. It's all right now. I left an opening. And I sewed on the last
pompon. Warren, don't you think we ought to remember the Googins?
WARREN. I do remember them. When people have faces like the Googins
one never forgets them.
KITTY. He's such a good janitor. Really, I think we ought to make them
a little present.
WARREN. But I'm busted, Kitty. Those masquerade tickets will take our
last cent.
KITTY. We might give the Googins some little thing here. (_Looks
around._) I have it!
WARREN. Yes?
KITTY. We'll give them Aunt Minerva's picture.
WARREN. Thank goodness. At last we've found a use for Aunt Minerva's
picture. Ever since you hung it up there it's haunted me. But the
Googins don't want it.
KITTY. I'm sure they will. They're frightfully poor and it would just
match their furniture, I'm sure. Henceforth Aunt Minerva shall shed
her light in the basement.
_Enter_ MRS. GOOGIN _from R., followed by_ GOOGIN, _smoking a cigar._
MRS. GOOGIN. A merry Christmas to the both of yeez. (_To_ KITTY.) Me
man Maginnis tould me ye wanted to see me.
KITTY (_at R._). Yes, indeed; come right in.
MRS. GOOGIN. I know what it is, darlin'. Sure it's a bit of a prisint
fer me and the childer, now ain't it, Mrs. Williams? (_Smiles._)
KITTY (_at R._). What a good guesser you are.
MRS. GOOGIN. The Widow O'Toole, her in Apartment C, was after givin'
me one of her ould worn-out waists. But I took her down a peg as quick
as a wink. I'm a lady, I am, and me mother was a lady before me, and I
don't accept cast-off clothes fer Christmas prisints.
KITTY. You don't. (_At R.C. near front with_ MRS. GOOGIN.)
GOOGIN (_at rear L. with_ WARREN). And nather do I.
MRS. GOOGIN. The ould bachelor in Apartment F gave me a fine prisint.
I brung it up to show yeez. (_Shows fancy waste basket, tied with
ribbon bows._) It's a new bunnet. (_Puts it on her head._) Sure,
that's a Christmas prisint that touches me heart.
KITTY. I'm going to give you that picture. (_Points to crayon
portrait._)
MRS. GOOGIN. The picture of the ould lady, is it?
KITTY. Yes. It's a lovely frame.
MRS. GOOGIN. And it's a nice lookin' ould lady, too. She looks a
little like me own mother, who before she was married to a Mulvaney
was a McShane.
KITTY. Warren, take it down.
WARREN. With pleasure. (_Takes picture down._)
MRS. GOOGIN (_taking the picture_). Sure, I have no picture of me own
mother at all, at all. More's the pity. I'll jist take this picture
and then I'll be after tellin' all me frinds that it is a likeness of
me mother who was a McShane from County Kilkenny. (_Sits R._)
GOOGIN. Would ye decave yer frinds, Honoria?
MRS. GOOGIN. A little deception is the spice of life. And besides it
looks enough like herself to be her own photygraft. Don't it,
Maginnis?
GOOGIN. Sure it looks like a chromo to me.
MRS. GOOGIN (_angrily_). A chromo, is it?
GOOGIN. Yis, or wan of them comic valentines.
MRS. GOOGIN. Listen to that now. He says me own mother looks like a
chromo and a comic valentine. I'm a lady, I am, and me mother was a
lady before me, and if I wasn't a lady, sure I'd break the picture
over yer head, Maginnis Googin. Insulted am I and right before me
face! (_Weeps._) Oh, wurra, wurra, that me own ould mother, who was a
McShane, should live to see that day whin her daughter's own husband
would call her a comic valentine. (_Weeps and rocks back and forth._)
GOOGIN (_close to her_). I said nawthin' about yer mother, Honoria
Googin. I only remarked that the picture resimbled a comic valentine.
And it do. And I'll lave it to Mr. Williams whither I'm right or no.
MRS. GOOGIN (_rises with dignity, goes to_ KITTY). I thank ye kindly
fer yer prisint, Mrs. Williams, and I wish yeez all the compliments of
the season. (_Turns to_ GOOGIN _savagely._) As fer you, Maginnis
Googin, ather ye beg me mother's pardon fer yer insults, or it's
nather bite ner sup ye'll git in my house this night. (_Sails out at
R. carrying picture and waste basket._)
GOOGIN. Wait a minute. Listen to me, Nora, darlin'. Let me explain.
(_Follows her out at R._)
WARREN. Well, there goes Aunt Minerva.
KITTY. And she sent it to us last Christmas.
WARREN. I'm glad she decided not to visit us this year. Money is
scarce at the end of the month and she's better off in Kankakee. New
York isn't any place for Aunt Minerva on Christmas Day.
KITTY. I'm afraid auntie's gait is not quite up to New York in the
holiday season.
WARREN. I think I'll try on my costume. Are you sure I can get into
the ruff now?
KITTY. Oh, yes. Wasn't that stupid of me? Just like making a skirt and
then sewing up the top of it. (_Exit_ WARREN _at L._)
_Enter_ GOOGIN _from R._
GOOGIN. Sure, it's a sad time we're havin' down in the basement.
KITTY. What has happened?
GOOGIN. Herself has locked the door of the apartment and divil a bit
will she open it at all.
KITTY. Why, Mr. Googin!
GOOGIN. I'm in a pretty pickle now. All me money is locked up in me
house with Honoria. You could be doin' me a great favor, if ye would,
Mrs. Williams, mum.
KITTY. What is it, Mr. Googin?
GOOGIN. Go down to the basement and tell me wife to open the door to
her lawful wedded husband.
KITTY. Why, of course I will. (_Exits R._)
GOOGIN (_sits down comfortably and lights a cigar from his box_).
Sure, it's a sad Christmas for me, so it is, whin Honoria lets an ould
picture come bechune a man and his wife. (_Smokes._) Begorry, I smell
something. (_Sniffs._) It's awful. (_Rises._) Some wan is burning some
rubber. Maybe I've got too much hate on in the radiators. (_Sniffs._)
My, my, what an awful smell. (_Removes cigar and looks at it, smells
it, makes horrible grimace._) Oh, ho, so it's you, is it? (_Throws it
in cuspidor._) No wonder they call it Santas Odoriferous. If that
cigar came from Havana they'd ought to take it back there again and
give it a dacent burial.
_Enter_ EDDIE _from R. with the hat in box._
EDDIE. Say, Mr. Googin!
GOOGIN. What is it, Eddie?
EDDIE. Does you want to buy a nice Christmas present for a lady?
GOOGIN. Maybe I do. What is it?
EDDIE. A nice hat. Right in de latest style. Jes' come home from de
millinery store. Mis' Lacey gib it to me for a Christmas present, and
I ain't got no use for it.
GOOGIN. Begorry, that's a good idea. I'll make peace with me wife.
Eddie, I'll trade ye a nice box of cigars for the hat.
EDDIE. Is 'em some ob Mistah Williamses cigars?
GOOGIN. They are. Santas Odoriferous.
EDDIE. Man, man, I wouldn't deprive you ob dem cigars for de world.
GOOGIN. Sure it's no depravity at all, at all.
EDDIE. I'll sell you de hat for two dollars cash money.
GOOGIN. Two dollars, is it?
EDDIE. Yas, sah, and it's worth 'bout ten dollars. De lady done say
it's worth _more'n_ ten dollars.
GOOGIN. I'll take it. (_Takes out old wallet, counts out two dollars
in small change and gives it to_ EDDIE.)
EDDIE. Yas, sah. Dat's right.
GOOGIN. There's yer two dollars.
EDDIE. And dere's yer hat. (_Gives him box._) Excuse me, boss. I hears
de elevator bell. (_Exits R._)
GOOGIN (_opens box and looks at the hat_). Begorry, I've been robbed.
Eddie! Ye thavin' nagur, come here. Niver in all the world would me
wife wear an orange hat. She hates orange worse ner pizen.
_Enter_ KITTY _from R._ GOOGIN _has hat in the box._
KITTY. It's all right, Mr. Googin. I had a long talk with your wife
and she's all ready for you.
GOOGIN. Ready for me? With a flatiron belike.
KITTY. No, no. Her face is wreathed in smiles. She's waiting for you
with a real Kilkenny welcome.
GOOGIN (_smiles_). Is she now? Sure, Mrs. Williams, mum, it's a grand
lady ye are. Excuse me, mum, but this bein' Christmas day, I was
wonderin' whether you'd be after accepting a wee bit of a Christmas
present from the likes of me?
KITTY. Why, Mr. Googin, how very kind and thoughtful.
GOOGIN (_hands her the box_). It's here, mum. A fine hat it is. Right
out of the millinery store.
KITTY. Oh, thank you so much. I'm just crazy to see it. (_Takes it
out._) What! (_Stares at it._)
GOOGIN. Ain't it a beauty, mum?
KITTY (_recovering_). Oh, yes, indeed, Mr. Googin. But it is a far too
expensive present for you to give me. You'd better give it to your
wife. Here, I'll wrap it all up again.
GOOGIN. But me wife won't wear orange.
KITTY. Tell her to take off the orange and replace it with a green
bow. I'll give her a nice green gauze bow.
GOOGIN (_smiling_). Will ye now?
KITTY. Yes. Take it down to her now. It will please her so much.
She'll welcome you with open arms.
GOOGIN. I'll do it. (_Takes box._) And I'm much obliged for your
trouble, mum. (_Exits R._)
KITTY. Warren!
WARREN (_outside L._). Yes?
KITTY. Are you dressed yet? It's nearly five o'clock.
WARREN. Sure.
_Enter_ WARREN _from L., wearing white Pierrot costume._
KITTY. Oh, it's a dream.
WARREN. I feel like a fool. Say, Kittens, you'd better get into yours.
_Enter_ MRS. GOOGIN _from R. with picture._
MRS. GOOGIN (_not seeing Warren_). Sure I had to run up to tell yeez
that iverything was all right, Mrs. Williams. And it's a darlin' y'
are.
KITTY. Oh, I'm so glad.
MRS. GOOGIN (_seeing Warren_). Howly snakes of Ireland, what's that?
KITTY. That's Warren.
MRS. GOOGIN. He gave me such a start. I thought it was wan of them
circus clowns got loose, mum.
WARREN (_gayly_). Wait till you see me with my paint on. (_Runs out
L._)
MRS. GOOGIN. Me husband has given me his consint and I can hang up the
picture in me drawing-room, and he furthermore says that me mother is
a quane and the picture is her perfect likeness.
KITTY. Then I'm sure you'll have a very merry Christmas, Mrs. Googin.
MRS. GOOGIN. I brought you up a little Christmas gift, mum.
KITTY. You did?
MRS. GOOGIN (_takes out the hat_). Ain't it a beauty?
KITTY. Indeed it is. But really you should keep that for yourself.
MRS. GOOGIN. Indade I'll not. I says to Maginnis, says I, "She's
trated me like a lady, and I'll trate her like a lady also." So,
here's yer Christmas prisint and many happy returns of the day.
KITTY. But this is such an expensive present, Mrs. Googin. Really, I--
MRS. GOOGIN (_loftily_). What's ixpense bechune frinds?
KITTY. I don't think I ought to accept such a lovely gift.
MRS. GOOGIN. Ye'll be hurtin' me feelings if ye don't. I'm a lady,
Mrs. Williams, and me mother was a lady before me, and I have very,
very sensitive feelings.
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