From the ArcaMax Publishing, Parents Newsletter:
http://www.arcamax.com/news/parents/s-81039-602530
If the accepted child rearing methods of today continue -- so will the
barrage of spoiled rotten children and entitlement seeking young
adults. While the message is serious, John Rosemond has a knack for
easing the sting on parents with light-hearted humor and storytelling.
I caught up with Rosemond during a recent trip to Virginia while he
was in town for a few book signings and speaking events. We were
delighted when Rosemond accepted an interview request, and we also
took the opportunity later in the day to sit in on a presentation
themed "parenting the strong-willed child." (Click here to read the Q. and A. with Rosemond
story.)
Rosemond, a family psychologist, estimates he has counseled more than
3,000 parents in the past 25 years. He does less counseling these
days, opting instead to spread his message to larger audiences through
his books and speaking engagements. Rosemond has authored 11 books and
his syndicated column is published in more than 250 newspapers (and
here in the ArcaMax Parents channel). Rosemond says he will answer
questions from time to time that parents send to him at his Web site
and he enjoys giving tidbits of advice while talking with parents
after events.
If you are a Rosemond follower, you undoubtedly embrace his direct
approach, the "old school" style of raising children.
"He's not afraid to tell people what they need to hear, not what they
want to hear," said Tom Steel of Mathews County, Va. Steel has long
enjoyed Rosemond's syndicated column and was one of the 150 parents to
attend the presentation in neighboring Gloucester.
Even if Rosemond's message wasn't what the audience wanted to
hear, they found plenty of humor in his delivery. Comments on how
absurd it is for parents to advertise their children's academic
accolades seemed to hit home.
"My mother told me if I was to make an 'A' on a test, I was not to
brag about it," Rosemond said. "Today's mother drives around with a
bumper sticker on the car, which indicates she has lost complete
perspective concerning her child."
Parents are sacrificing authority over their children as they try too
hard to understand them on a deeper level, Rosemond went on to argue.
Parents are today expected to find psychological cause to every
problem.
"We have told the modern mother since 1960s that her job is to pay as
much attention as she can and do as much for her children as she is
capable of doing," Rosemond told the parents. "The more attention you
pay a child the less he will pay attention to you."
American schools have perpetuated the problem by demanding that
parents become more involved, Rosemond said. Rosemond is also critical
of the psychology profession for allowing parents to believe they need
extensive counseling for family problems that could be solved at home.
"My belief, and I would tell people this when I was in private
practice, if you have to see me more than three times, I'm not doing
my job or you're not following my instructions," he said in the
interview before the presentation.
Rosemond, 58, reflected on his mother's parenting style in the
presentation. She was caring, but stern. And today at 81, Rosemond
describes his mother as sharp and mentally vibrant. She earned a Ph.
D. in plant morphology while raising John.
With a research scientist in the home, naturally 10-year-old John
would seek help from his mother with math homework. But his mother
would refuse.
"I figured that out. And so can you," she would tell him as she handed
back the textbook. But the lecture was just beginning.
"Let me tell you something else John Rosemond," she said. "I have been
working on some problems for four or five years and I haven't given
up."
I will tell you two more things: I will keep working on these problems
until I figure them out and I will not complain to anyone."
Rosemond's story illustrated to the audience the importance of
teaching a child how to be independent. The more you can get a child
to do for him or herself, the better a mother you are.
Rosemond says parents no longer "have permission to talk to their
children" the way his mother talked to him.
Much of Rosemond's talk centered on the mother's role in the family.
He claims it is the mother's responsibility to establish the necessary
barriers between she and the child at a young age. As a result, the
mother and father are more likely to enjoy a successful marriage.
"It is as if in America today, the female parent takes a vow 'I take
you to be my husband until my children tear us apart,'" Rosemond said.
Parenting methods today are also leading to the child who lives at
home well into the 20s and 30s, something practically unheard of in
the 1950s. It's a "Failure to Launch" comedy, Rosemond added.
Adding to the problems with today's youth is the idea that each child
is "a big fish in a little pond," Rosemond said as he told the
audience that high self-esteem should not be a focal point in
parenting.
"Others-esteem" is what was being taught before the 1960s, Rosemond
said. "Children were taught to help others and as a result would feel
better about themselves."
But can high self-esteem in a child actually be a bad thing? It can
indeed, according to Rosemond. He referred to research by social
psychologist Roy Baumeister, who is now a professor at Florida State
University. Baumeister tested various groups of people for levels of
self-esteem. The highest scores were obtained by people who are
incarcerated in maximum security prisons, Rosemond said.
"Isn't that charming? Let's all go home and pump up our child's
self-esteem," Rosemond added with sarcasm. He also blamed high
self-esteem in individuals as a source for road rage.
Rosemond wrapped up his talk by telling parents to "liberate"
themselves.
"Any one of you tonight can go home and say 'Hey kids...listen up.
We've got two words for you.'"
"It's over."
For more on John Rosemond, visit his Web site at www.rosemond.com.
Editor's Note from ArcaMax: Click here to
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Take the ArcaMax Publishing free Parenting Experts
interactive quiz and see if you can identify which comments were
made by Rosemond.