From the ArcaMax Publishing, Parents Newsletter:
http://www.arcamax.com/news/parents/s-76955-820152
A dad in Florida asks what he might have done to cause his
20-month-old to "reject" him. Whenever he attempts to do something for
his son, the child puts up great physical resistance and screams
hysterically for his mother. Dad is clueless and understandably
confused.
Actually, Dad is describing behavior that is not at all unusual for
this age child. It has its roots in the fact that with rare exception,
the parent who has been at the child's beck-and-call up until this
time has been the mother. During infancy and early toddlerhood, even
the most well-intentioned father is considerably less involved with
his child than is his wife.
A nurse friend of mine tells me that people who are hospitalized for
relatively long periods of time do not like it when a new nurse takes
over their care. Some even put up resistance when a new nurse attempts
to do something for them and demand to know why the previous nurse is
no longer available.
Likewise, this child has become accustomed to his mother's care. She
is a known quantity in his life; his father is not. Under the
circumstances, when his father attempts to do something for him, it
upsets his sense of security. When confronted with a new caregiver, a
hospital patient may become demanding, perhaps a bit sullen. Under the
same circumstances, a toddler falls apart. Toddlers are not known for
restraint, after all.
Add to this the fact that a toddler who has been properly taken care
of has every reason to think that he controls his mother. It has not
escaped his notice that every time he makes a loud noise, she appears
at his side within seconds; that she serves him hand and foot. Control
is intoxicating, addicting. A person who has gained control over
another person is inclined to hold on to it. Under the circumstances,
the child might feel that Dad's attempts to become involved mean he is
losing control over his mother. Anyone who thinks that toddlers are
not capable of such sophisticated thinking should keep in mind that
young children think things they cannot articulate, and their thoughts
are intelligent. In fact, the first three years of life are the years
of optimal learning.
I know of no instant cure for this problem. I only know that it is
unwise to lead a child of any age to believe that he can control his
parents. The right course is for both parents to, in the words of
Ringo Starr (borrowed, actually, from the late Buck Owens), "act
naturally." If Mom is better positioned to do something for the child,
Mom should do it. If Dad is better positioned, then Dad should do it,
and he should do it with loving, good-humored determination. If Dad
starts something, he should finish it, no matter how hysterical the
child becomes. This does not qualify as "trauma." It is a bump in the
road, but to a toddler, all bumps are apocalyptic.
*About the Author: John Rosemond has written nine best-selling
parenting books and is one of America's busiest and most popular
speakers, known for his sound advice, humor and easy, relaxed,
engaging style. In the past few years, John has appeared on numerous
national television programs including 20/20, Good Morning America,
The View, Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect, Public Eye, The Today
Show, CNN, and CBS Later Today.
Click here to
visit Rosemond's Web site, www.rosemond.com.