Parents - Sylvia Rimm On Raising Kids: Two-Year-Old Doesn't Quite Understand

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Sylvia Rimm On Raising Kids: Two-Year-Old Doesn't Quite Understand

Sylvia Rimm

Q. My 2-year-old daughter occasionally hits or bites her 1-year-old brother. My usual discipline is to put her in time-out for two minutes and then sternly tell her to say, "sorry" and kiss her brother when she gets out. She complies willingly with all of this, which is the problem -- there's no remorse, and this method does nothing to prevent a repeat attack, sometimes only minutes later. In fact, she often will hit her brother and run directly to the play yard to await me putting her in there. Even though I make sure she has nothing in there for entertainment, she doesn't mind sitting in there for a while, usually pulling off her clothes for the fun of it. I'm out of ideas. Can you give me another solution?

A. Young children don't understand that they're inflicting real pain when they bite, and intellectually and emotionally they can't yet put themselves in another person's position in order to feel remorse. Your disappointment or anger is the only thing preventing your daughter from biting or hurting her little brother. Your positive words and praise motivate her to be gentle and kind to him.

Your daughter views the biting, brief time-out, apology and kiss as a fun little game she plays and thus repeats the game, expecting to kiss and make up. You have to be clearer in your disappointment. While I'm not sure exactly what approach will be effective, I suggest that you respond in a very severe tone of voice and that you time her out for at least 10 minutes all alone in her room. Your too-brief time-out hasn't made your point well. Don't expect her to kiss and apologize, and be sure that you don't hug and kiss her right after her time-out. Apologies with repeated naughty behaviors are meaningless, so when you time her out you need to be sure to tell her very strongly, in a somewhat-raised voice, "Never, never bite anyone again."

I can't assure you that this will stop her biting immediately, but it's likely to prevent it from happening as often, and it won't be viewed by her as fun and games. Hopefully, as your daughter gets older and learns to "use her words," the biting will stop. Biting is not unusual at age two and seems to disappear as children become more verbal. Be sure to compliment her when she's gentle, and talk to adults within her hearing about what a good big sister she's becoming. Also, give her some special time alone every day. She's undoubtedly struggling with some feelings of jealousy that are typical when a new baby brother comes.

For free newsletters about raising preschoolers, sibling rivalry, or when a new baby arrives, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or read "Raising Preschoolers" at www.sylviarimm.com.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

This news arrived on: 07/16/2008

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