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Red Saunders' Pets and Other Critters

Henry Wallace Phillips

In the Absence of Rules

We had a pig when we was down on the little Chantay Seeche.  The Doctor
begged him off a rancher, to eat up the scraps around camp.  A neat
person was the Doctor and a durned good cook.

We called him the Doctor because he wore specs--that's as good a claim
as many has to the title.  His idee was that when the pig got fat he
would sell him for lots of money, but long before Foxey Bill (which was
piggy) had reached the market stage money couldn't buy him.  He was a
great pig.  My notion of hogs, previous to my acquaintance with him,
was that they were dirty, stupid critters, without any respectable
feelings.  Perhaps it's because animals get man-like, when you
associate with 'em a great deal, or perhaps Foxey Bill was an unusual
proposition; but, anyhow, he was the funniest, smartest brute I ever
see, and we thought a slew of him.

Clean was no name for his personal appearance.  Every Sunday the Doctor
took a scrub-brush and piggy down to the creek and combined 'em with
the kind assistance of a cake of soap.  Then Foxey just shone white as
ivory, and he'd trot around in front of us, gruntin' to attract our
attention, till everybody'd said, "What a beautiful, clean pig--ain't
he just right?"  Then he'd grunt his thanks to the company and retire
behind the shack for a nap.  We used to fair kill ourselves laughing at
that darned pig.  He had the most wheedlin' squeal, so soft and
pleadin'; and he'd look up at you with them skim-milk eyes of his so
pitiful, when he wanted a chunk of sugar, that you couldn't refuse him.

[Illustration: "Clean was no name for his personal appearance."]

And knowing!  Honest, he knew more'n some men.  One day old Wind River
was tellin' some things (that _might_ have happened to him) in his
usual way, bein' most careful to get the dates and all dead right, you
know--"Now, _was_ his name Peter, after all?  Comes to my mind it was
Willyam--Willyam Perkins--Well--But, anyhow, him and me, we saw that
Injun," and so forth.  This was a Sunday, and the gang of us sittin' in
a circle, fixing leathers and one thing and another and misstatin'
history faster than a horse could trot, with Foxey Bill in the middle,
cocking his head from one speaker to another, takin' it all in.

At last Wind River wound up the most startlin' and unlikely collections
of facts he'd favoured us with for some time.  Up gets Foxey with a
shriek and gallops around the house.  Any man with the rudiments of
intelligence would know he was hollerin': "Well, that's just too much
for me; ta-ra-rum!"

[Illustration: "Up gets Foxy with a shriek and gallops around the
house"]

Wind River looked scart.  "Say!" says he.  "Say!  Thet hawg knows I'm
er-lyin' jes' 's well 's I do!"  After that old Windy used to talk to
the pig as though they'd been raised together.

[Illustration: "Old Windy used to talk to the pig as though they'd been
raised together"]

Foxey Bill made one miscalculation.  He thought he was a small pet,
like a cat.  This didn't jibe with the five hundred pounds of meat he
toted.  And, like a cat, one of his principal amusements was to have
his back scratched.  If you didn't pay attention to him, when he
squealed so pretty for you to please curry him with a board, he'd hump
up his back, like a cat, and rub against your legs.  You instantly
landed on your scalp-lock and waved the aforesaid legs in the air.  Of
course, when the other fellers saw this comin', they didn't feel it
restin' on their conscience to call your attention to it--in fact, we
sometimes busied one another talkin' to give Foxey a fair field.  So
Foxey had things his own way around the diggin's for some time.

[Illustration: "He'd hump up his back . . . and rub against your legs"]

Then comes bow-legged Hastings, our boss, with a ram tied hard and fast
in the bottom of the waggon.  He explains to us that the ram is
valuable, but that he's butted merry Halifax out of everything down to
home, and he don't want to shut him up, so will we please take care of
him?  And we said No--Wanitchee heap--we guessed not--never.

Then Hastings got mad and talked to us, flyin' his hands.  Such a
disobligin', stubborn, sour outfit he never saw, he said.  What was the
use of his bein' boss, when we just laid awake nights thinkin' up
disagreeable things to do to him?  Was there ever a time that he'd
asked us to do this or that, that every man in reach didn't r'ar up and
jump down his throat?  He said he'd rather be a nigger rooster on a
condemned government steamboat than bear the title of boss of such a
rag-chewin' hide-bound set of mules; kick, kick, kick--nothin' but
kick, and life wasn't worth livin'.

So then he went behind the shack and pouted.  Well, we liked Hastings,
and this made us feel bad--that's the way he worked us.

The Doctor, he fried up a dish of all-sorts in his happiest manner and
took it around in a cheerful voice.  No.  Didn't want food.  Heart was
broke.  So then we all went and apologised and agreed to keep the ram.
Then Hastings recovered, and we had that cussed sheep on our hands and
feet and all over us.

[Illustration: "No.  Didn't want food.  Heart was broke."]

Well, it was like the devil enterin' a happy home.  As for Foxey, he
just took one long look at the brute, curlin' and uncurlin' his little
tail; then "Hungh!" says he, and blinked his eyes shut, walkin' away
from there.  I've seen times when I'd liked to been able to use the
English of that grunt, to thoroughly acquaint some gentleman of how
little I thought of him, but I ain't got the gift of speech.  It was an
awful call-down--but the sheep, he didn't care.  If there was such a
thing as a foolish Sheeny, that's what a sheep would remind me of.

[Illustration: "'Hungh!' says he, and blinked his eyes shut"]

But the rest of us run into practical and applied trouble in its
various branches.  There's one night, the Doctor starts for the cabin
with a mess of flap-jacks in his hands, and the sheep comes up and
pushes him in the pistol pocket so that the Doctor goes sailing into
the drink with a stack of brown checks hoverin' all around him.

[Illustration: "The Doctor goes sailing into the drink"]

Then Wind River shows his one tooth and rocks on his heels, hollerin'
and laughin', and the sheep rises up and smites him on the hip and
thigh so he flew after the Doctor like a grey-whiskered sky-rocket,
with a ha-ha! cut in two in the middle.  "Woosh!" says old Windy as he
comes up.  "Hi, there cooky!  I'll beat you ashore!"  He was a
handy-witted old Orahanna, that Windy, and you didn't put the kybosh on
him easy.  So it went with all of us.  That ram come out of
no-where-at-all another night and patted me on the stummick so I pretty
near fainted.  I tried to twist his cussed head off his shoulders, but
he'd knocked the wind out of me so it was like fightin' an army in a
nightmare.  I was glad when the boys come out and pried me loose.  Oh,
oh!  How we hated that woolly, blaatin' fool of a sheep!

[Illustration: "A ha ha! cut in two in the middle"]

"Well," says Windy, "I'm layin' fur th' day he snaggles himself up with
Foxey Bill.  You're goin' to see a nice quiet sheep after that happens."

[Illustration: "That woolly, blaatin' fool of a sheep"]

The rest of us had lots of faith in Billy, but we couldn't see where he
stood a show to win.

"Shucks!" says Steve.  "The sheep'll knock the bacon out of him.  The
Lord knows I don't want to see it, but that's what's got to happen.
Poor Bill ain't onto his style of fightin' at all.  You know how pigs
make war--standin' side by side, tryin' to hook each other in the
flank, gruntin' and circlin' around with little quick steps--how's that
goin' to apply to this son-of-a-gun that hits you a welt like a
domestic cannon and then chases himself off to the sky-line for another
try?"

[Illustration: "Chases himself off to the sky-line for another try"]

"Well," cuts in the Doctor.  "I ain't a-sayin' _how_--but Bill _does_
him, all the same--bet your life."

"You talk feeble minded," says Steve.  "Nobody'd more like to believe
you than me, but the points ain't on the cards.  It'll be just like
that Braddock's campaign agin the Injuns.  There goes the Britishers
(that's Bill) amblin' gaily through the woods, dressed up in red and
marchin' arm to arm, for fear some careless Injun would miss 'em, and
there's the Injuns (that's that durned ram) off in the woods jumpin' up
and down with pleasure and surprise.  'Oh, Jimmy!' hollers the Injun to
his little boy.  'Run get grandpa, Towser, mama, and the
baby--everybody's goin' to pick one of these and take it home--no Injun
so poor but what he's entitled to at least one Englishman.'"

"That's all right," says Windy.  "But where's your Injun now?"

"Well," says Steve, flabbergasted, "that's kind of true, too; he has
vanished some."

"I bet you money," says the Doctor, "that Bill does him."

"I hate to rob the poor in mind," says Steve.  "And yet I'd like to
lose that bet--make it a month's wages?"

"I'm for standin' by my friend," says the Doctor.  "I'll bet you up to
the first of January."

"Got you," says Steve.  "You know where you can borrow chewin', anyhow.
Any other gentleman want part of this?"

Steve had money he'd drew out of his poker game up-town, so the rest of
us stood not to live high until after January first, if Foxey Bill
didn't lick that sheep.  We didn't believe he would, but he carried our
money.

Well, sir, it was a tough time waitin' for the combat to come off.
Bill simply despised the sheep.  Couldn't stand near to him.  The only
time he'd stay by the house was when the sheep was off somewheres.
And, of course, it was strictly against the rules for any person to
aid, abet, or help either warrior, or interfere in any way, shape, or
manner.

I was two mile out from camp one day, when I heard "Ke-bang, ke-bang,
ke-bang-ety, bang-bang-bang-bang!"  The Doctor was losin' off all the
guns in the shack to once.  I hollered to Steve, him to Windy, and then
we flew for home, leavin' the calves to their own responsibilities for
a while.

The other boys was on hand when we arrived, their faces shinin' with
excitement, and yellin' to us for the love of Moses to shake a leg
before it was too late.

Poor Billy was pickin' himself up, after rollin' over three times, and
the durned ram was prancin' away, wigglin' his tail like little boys
does their fingers, with a thumb to the nose.

[Illustration: "The durned ram was prancin' away"]

The Doctor explained to us, whilst we was waitin' for the next jar.
"There's Bill," says he, "eatin' his meal out of his half-a-barrel as
quiet and decent a citizen as you'll find anywheres.  That's his grub
and he don't like grass.  Well, what must that quar'lsome hunk of horns
and mutton do, but try to shove him away from there.  Mind you, that
ram does like grass, and he's got several hundred thousand square mile
of it to lunch on--but no, sir!  What he must have is a hunk of bread
out of Billy's barrel.  Now, Billy's no hog--he lets him have the piece
of bread--then the ram wants the hull barrel; hoops, staves, and all.
That's too hootin' goldarn many for anybody to stand, by ninety-nine
per cent., so Bill slams him one.  The ram walks off and fetches him a
swat like hittin' a side of beef with a fourteen-foot board.  Poor old
Bill rolls three yards.  Then he takes after the brute, but the ram
runs away as usual.  Billy thinks the fight is over and goes on with
his eatin'.  You're just in time to see the end of the second round.
Bill's _goin'_ to lick him, but cuss me if I see _how_.  He can't get
_at_ that blaatin', skippin' mess of wickedness.  He don't understand
at all.  If the sheep would give him one fair hack, he'd show
him--Look!  Oh, Lordy!  There he goes again!  _Damn_ that sheep!"

It was an awful sight for Billy's friends to witness.  I'll never tell
you how many times he went rollin' down the hill, only to come back as
game and useless as a rooster fightin' his reflection in a lookin'
glass.  He'd chase after the sheep, gruntin' fierce, but pshaw! the
critter'd simply trot right away from him, wigglin' that insultin' tail
in his face.  Old Billy's tail was coiled as tight as a watch-spring
with rage.

"He'll _do_ him," says the Doctor.  "He sure _will_!  Now you wait!"

"I am waitin'," says Steve, at the end of the twentieth round.
"Waitin' and waitin'.  The only play that I see Billy makin' is for the
sheep to break his neck buntin' him.  You hand me that rifle.  I'll now
bet the crowd there's a dead sheep here in five seconds by the watch.
I can't stand this."

But we wouldn't let him cut in.  Fair play is fair play.

"Boys," says Wind River soft, "Bill has laid his ropes--I see it in his
eye!"

"G'wan!" says Steve.  "You see it in your own eye!"

"Well, you watch," says Windy.  "Bill and me has been pretty well
acquainted ever since that day he called me a liar--look at him now!"

Sure enough.  Bill was nosin' his barrel away from the house.  I
couldn't see the point exactly, but took it on faith.

He was knocked galley-west and crooked three times before he moved the
thing a rod, but whatever he had in his mind, he calmly went on with it
as soon as he got up.

[Illustration: "He was knocked galley-west"]

"Oh, thunder!" says the Doctor.  "See him now!  Billy, you're an old
fool!  You'll get butted plumb into the crik, next pass!"  For Bill had
pushed the barrel to within five foot of the edge of the creek.  And
when he heard the Doctor talk, I'll take my oath, that pig looked up
and smiled.

[Illustration: "That pig looked up and smiled"]

"He's got him now!" says Wind River.  "He's got him now, for all my
next year's salary!  I see it in his face!"

And Windy was so dead sure he impressed the rest of us.  So there's
silence, whilst old Foxey Bill is chewin' away in the barrel, and the
ram is comin' over the grass--t-r-rmt, t-r-rrmt--as hard as he can
paste her, head down and eyes shut.  Bill, he doesn't see anything
either, until there ain't more'n three foot of air between 'em, and
then he jumps aside!

"Swoosh!" goes the ram into the water, and Billy straightens out his
little curly tail and waves it in the air like a flag.  And holler!  I
wisht you could have heard that pig!  Nothing could been more human.
"I've got the deady-deady on you, you hook-nosed, slab-sided, second
cousin of a government mule!" says he.  "Oh!  I've got you where I want
you and the way I want you, and it's up to you to convert yourself into
cash at the earliest opportunity, for you won't be worth much in the
market when I'm tired of my fun!"  This he says as he gallops to the
other side, to head the sheep off, his mild blue eye on fire.  I tell
you it's dangerous to rouse up a fat person with a mild blue eye.

[Illustration: "And holler!  I wisht you could have heard that pig"]

A sheep don't swim much better than a mowin' machine, and this feller
got desperate--he was for the shore, no matter what broke.  And Bill
ripped the wool out of him for fair as he tried to scramble up.

"Our fight, Steve!" says the Doctor.  "I _knew_ he'd do him all the
time!  You throw up the sponge and we'll yank the critter out!"

"Let him drown," says Steve.  "I don't like him, hide nor hair--and,
besides, think what he's cost me."

But that wouldn't do.  Hastings would have looked so mournful,
happiness couldn't get along in the same territory with him.  So out
comes Mr. Ram.  Done.  Everlastingly done.  All in and the cover
screwed down.  We pointed our fingers at him and did a war-dance around
him, sayin': "Agh--hagh!  You will, will you?  Now, don't you wish
you'd been good!"  He hadn't a word to say.  And that good old Billy,
he comes up and rubs Wind River's legs out from under him just as
natural as ever, not set up or swell-headed a bit, like the gentleman
he was.

[Illustration: "Done.  Everlastingly done"]

The ram eat his grass and minded his own business from that time on.
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