Is this family obligated to celebrate milestone birthday?
DEAR AMY: My in-laws are hosting a birthday party for my husband's grandfather. He is turning 90. The party is 200 miles away. My husband and I both work full time and have two young children, one with multiple life-threatening food allergies. We were told to "pack food for her." No plans were offered to accommodate her.
We often do not attend events where she cannot eat safely. In addition, we do not have anywhere to stay overnight after the party -- 400 miles is too much driving in one day for our kids. Other family members knew about the party before us and made plans to stay with the people who live nearby. Hotels are challenging for us because of the inability to prepare food for our daughter. Bigger spaces with kitchens are expensive. Leaving our kids at home is not an option. We certainly do not feel very welcome, but do not want to be rude either!
We do see his grandfather at other times during the year. Are we obligated to attend the party? -- Upset
DEAR UPSET: Are you obligated to attend your children's great-grandfather's 90th birthday party?
Yes, you are. The fact that you don't intend to fulfill this obligation doesn't make it less of one.
You obviously have extreme challenges concerning your daughter's food allergies. You cannot take her anywhere where her health will be seriously compromised. Taking her sounds like an exhausting minefield for your family. And yet -- you've offered up so many reasons why you can't go to this party that it seems you quite honestly simply don't want to go.
You have received an invitation to this special party and yet you say that you "do not feel very welcome." I'm not sure what -- other than the invitation itself -- you require.
As her parents, you and your husband have the responsibility of communicating with people about what you/she need -- and then you should follow through and make sure you have backup plans in case people don't comply.
It sounds as if you should stay home that day and encourage your husband to go solo (or perhaps with one of your children).
DEAR AMY: My boyfriend and I have been living together for two years. He has two children from his past relationship. I have two from my past relationship and we recently had a baby girl. I met his kids last year, we all went out together and it was great. Since then, they come over on weekends.
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