ArcaMax

DEAR AMY: A few months ago my father passed away unexpectedly, and when it came time for the funeral, my father-in-law asked my husband if it was OK if he and his girlfriend skipped the service because they had plans to go away with friends.

He was "pouty" about having to attend my father's funeral and my husband reluctantly said he didn't have to go.

When I found out, I was crushed and angry that my father-in-law would have so little respect and empathy for me and my family.

My husband agreed that he shouldn't have said it was OK. He called his dad and told him he made a mistake by saying it was OK not to attend, but my father-in-law pointed the finger back at my husband, saying he gave them permission.

I have forgiven my husband, but I refuse to see my father-in-law as he has not reached out to me or my family to apologize. My husband is now giving me guilt trips for not forgiving him. I am missing out on their family functions with my daughter, but he hasn't apologized and I think he just hopes I will forget at some point and everything will be OK again.

I'm not sure what to do. -- Hurt and sad

DEAR HURT: I am so sorry for this loss -- and further sorry that your anguish and anger about it is causing you to make choices which are guaranteed to keep you anguished and angry.

You should not go through your husband to communicate with your father-in-law. He chose to use your husband as a go-between because he is a coward. He knew he was making an unkind choice to miss this funeral and he didn't want to face you.

And now you are doing your version of this same dance.

Your father-in-law will never initiate an apology and ask for forgiveness because -- he is a coward.

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