GRAVE ISSUES ARE AT STAKE HERE

Q: While I was married, over 30 years ago, I had an affair with a man and we had a child. The father is Catholic and I am Jewish. He agreed that our daughter should be raised Jewish, since I never divorced my husband.

When my husband passed away, I told my daughter about her biological father and she expressed interest in meeting him, which she did. A few years ago, she passed away and was cremated, according to her wishes.

Her biological father recently contacted me and requested permission to bury some of her ashes in his grave when he dies. I'd already sent him some of her ashes, along with a lock of her hair. I had also made plans for my daughter's ashes to be buried with me when I pass away. Are there any religious restrictions in either faith that would prevent us from fulfilling these wishes? - C., via snail mail from West Palm Beach, Fla.

A: I get this question all the time! Just kidding. What we have here is a combination of several desires and several violations of deeply held religious convictions. From what I understand, these are the facts: Your deceased husband is buried. You did not identify his religion, so I'll presume he was Jewish and is buried in a Jewish cemetery. Your daughter from your affair was not only raised Jewish, but she was Jewish because you are Jewish.

According to Jewish law, cremation is prohibited. It's not prohibited under Catholic law but is discouraged. Jewish law requires that a Jewish person be buried in a Jewish cemetery in a grave that only contains one person. Therefore, the request to have your daughter's ashes and hair buried in the grave of her biological father, or for that matter, in any other person's grave, including your own, is forbidden.

I personally have made an exception to the cremation rule when the deceased person has already been cremated. In such cases, I've authorized burial of the urn in a grave. That is what I suggest to you. Have your daughter's cremated remains buried in one grave in a Jewish cemetery -- next to the grave of your deceased husband.

When you pass away, you should also be buried next to your husband and daughter. What you might do, however, to accommodate both your wishes in some modest way, would be to split the lock of your daughter's hair -- not her ashes. You could be buried with some of that hair in your pocket, and her biological father could be buried with some of the hair in his pocket.

I don't know if King Solomon would approve of my compromise to divide the hair in half, but it seems to me, if not Solomonic, then at least Solomonish.

NOTE: The following is a response to my recent column on "Cafeteria Christians."

Q: Your discussion on "Cafeteria Christians" sounded familiar. Teaching science in the Bible Belt puts me in contact with many Creationists. As my students do a good deal of blogging for my class, I created a separate space for a voluntary discussion of creation and evolution.

Students with the scientific viewpoint that Creationism had nothing to do with science chose not to post entries in this blog. Instead, students posted their personal meals from the cafeteria of truth; they believed 'this' aspect of the Bible and 'that' aspect of science.

I then created a new blog space for students to discuss the nature of truth: Is it revealed, found through science, or found in the heart? Almost unanimously, students said truth was found in their own hearts, chosen from among the options offered in the cafeteria of truth.

You may not want to mention my opinion that Creationism is a cancer of the intellect, but it's worth noting that this pick-and-choose approach to truth is as dangerous in science as it is in religion. Americans' approach to truth also has a significant effect on commerce and politics. Any thoughts? - C., via godsquadquestion@aol.com

A: When I hear arguments from only one side of the religious/secular debate, my instinct is to try to help readers see the good points on the other side. Creationism, at least in its version as Intelligent Design, may be right or wrong (I think it's right). It's not a "cancer of the intellect" but rather a coherent, rational dissent from a completely materialistic view of humanity and the cosmos. It offers up the appealing alternative that our unique spiritual capacities and moral virtue are not merely evolutionary advantages but gifts from an intelligent designer of the universe.

There's much to say on both sides of this debate, but it's distinctly unhelpful to rational, respectful dialogue to cast opponents as illiterate morons. Einstein reputedly said that all he did as a scientist was "trace the lines that flow from God." If it's good enough for Einstein, it ought to be at least good enough to introduce to your biology students.

The idea that "truth is found in the heart" is utterly false and philosophically untenable. If you mean "by the heart" referring to subjective desires and inclinations, it's obvious that the heart is no reliable guide to truth. The heart of the slaveholder, the murderer and the Nazi all lead them to moral evil. Truth must be objectively verified.

The idea that we live in an ordered universe is not just a religious truth but actual truth. The cartoonish fight between religion and science must end. We must talk to each other respectfully and learn from each other that the beliefs we hold must be open to critique and to growth into the light of actual truth. In this, the mind and the virtue of humility and respect are the best tools for both teacher and student.

(Send QUESTIONS ONLY to The God Squad, c/o Tribune Media Services, 2225 Kenmore Ave., Suite 114, Buffalo, NY 14207, or email them to godsquadquestion@aol.com.