WHAT YOU WEAR ON YOUR HEAD LESS IMPORTANT THAN WHAT'S IN YOUR HEART

By Rabbi Marc Gellman, Tribune Media Services on Aug 21, 2008

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Q: Is there anything offensive in giving a "religious symbol," such as a cross or star of David, to an interfaith child? Also, is it wrong to offer yarmulkes at an interfaith event, such as a wedding, a bris, or a naming ceremony, to those who choose to wear one? Is it wrong for a Christian to refuse to wear a yarmulke if they are part of a Jewish wedding party? Is there a universal answer regarding such issues, or is there more to it?--D., via email

A: Even discussing the issue of putting on the symbols of another person's faith indicates how far we've come since the old "circle the wagons" days when we had no contact with the faith or customs of our neighbor. I remember my grandmother telling me to hold my breath when I passed a church. Today, my best friend is a priest.

However, your questions do point out that with our new openness toward each other, certain new rules of interfaith etiquette need to be created. Let's start with the appropriateness of giving religious symbols to children being raised in an interfaith home.

If a child is being raised in one of the two faiths of his or her parents but not both, then, obviously, it's appropriate to give the child a cross or a star of David to affirm the child's chosen religious identity.

If the child is being raised in both faiths, however, such a gift only calls attention to a potentially divisive and difficult family dynamic. In this case, I would suggest the traditional spiritual gift of cash or a video game.

As to offering traditional Jewish head coverings, called kipot in Hebrew, or yarmulkas in Yiddish, at an intermarriage ceremony, this is not necessary. If the offer is made, however, it is not an offense for a Christian guest to decline to wear one. The groom may decide to wear a kipah but this does not implicate the guests because a wedding service is not a prayer service. If you are in the wedding party and all the other groom-guys are wearing head coverings, then you might want to go along just to help your friend.

A kipah is not like a cross. It is not an affirmation of any particular Jewish belief but a general sign of modesty and respect for God. In general, it is not good spiritual etiquette to refuse to do something you're asked to do in a friend's place of worship. If you do have strong views on this matter, talk to the groom well before the ceremony to determine his wishes.

Conversely, in a church, it is proper for non-Christian guests to sit respectfully but not to kneel in prayer, and obviously, not to take communion without first clearing it with the presiding priest or minister. It's also good to sit near the back of the sanctuary if you're not going to kneel, so as not to trigger any misunderstanding.

In general, it's important to be respectful of the religious customs in a friend's place of worship without doing anything that might cause you to violate your own religious principles. What you put on your head is not nearly as important as what's in your heart.

READERS: Regarding the question I answered previously about which of several spouses we will be with in heaven when we die, here are some more textual citations from the New Testament, in which Jesus directly addresses this question: Matthew 22:23-32; Mark 12:18-27 and Luke 20:27-39.

The important point Jesus makes is that heaven is not like earth only with better weather. Heaven is a complete transformation of our identity, in which our physical and animal natures are left behind in the grave and only our angelic spiritual nature survives to live with God and with other souls. That life is not filled with physical pleasure or petty jealousy. Heaven is the transcendence of all this.

The hope of heaven is shared by all the Abrahamic faiths, and it is important to remember that heaven is not like Maui only farther away. Heaven is the hope for a spiritual existence that transcends death. For those who cannot believe in heaven, then perhaps they can believe in the hope that somehow, some way, death is not the end of us.

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