CLERGY aRE SHEPHERDS, NOT CONTRACTORS

Q: My fiance and I are getting married in July and it's important that we get married by a member of the clergy rather than a layman. However, it's been hard to find a reverend/pastor/minister willing to perform the ceremony.

It seems most clergy we've spoken with are only willing to perform the ceremony if we get married in their specific church or agree to join their church. I'm a firm believer that God does not only live in churches, and that my faith goes with me wherever I go.

I don't feel I need to belong to a specific church to be a Christian. I also had some upsetting experiences within a church I once belonged to and no longer want to identify with a particular church. Where can I find someone to perform our ceremony? I'll be very disappointed if we have to go with a justice of the peace. Any suggestions? - M., via godsquadquestion@aol.com

A: Congratulations! Finding true love is the only joy that really matters here on earth.

The problem you face is that a religious wedding is a public declaration of private love. You and your intended have found love but have not found a way to affirm not only your love for each other, but also your intention to enrich that love within some kind of community of faith. That's what churches are. They're not buildings but communities of faith housed in buildings because sometimes it rains outside and everyone needs to come in from the rain.

Of course this does not mean faith is only to be found within the community and its shelter from the bad weather of modern civilization. Your faith does indeed go with you as you rise up and as you lie down, when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way. You know the distortions to true faith that can occur when it's caged up in the four walls of a church and never let out.

However, a faith that's completely private and isolated from any spiritual community is in danger of becoming distorted and suffering from spiritual loneliness. True faith requires private discipline and public affiliation to grow and flower.

Before you think about your wedding, I'd suggest you think about where you and your husband will come in from the rain after you're married. Where will your children receive religious education? Where will you go to celebrate the holidays in a spiritually-nurturing way? Where will you go to receive the mystery of the Eucharist (if this is important to you)? Who will your family ask to name your children and bury your parents? Will you be satisfied asking a funeral director to book some freelance clergyperson who never knew your parents' hopes and dreams and wrinkles?

While you may have been disillusioned by your experiences at some church in the past, take a moment and consider: Would you give up on medicine because you encountered one bad doctor?

Take time to visit some spiritual communities in your area. Talk to the clergy and some members. You'll soon discover which place welcomes you and offers you the opportunity to grow in faith and good works with others who share your spiritual needs. The person who directs the kindest church ought to be the one you invite to marry you.

Try to understand why many clergy generally won't marry people who aren't part of their churches. All of us who work professionally for The Boss are constantly trying to explain to people who come to us with requests like yours that we're not gumball machines into which you drop a coin to get a gumball. This insulting notion of the role of clergy transforms us from shepherds of a flock into crude, fee-for-service contractors.

The clergy who've asked you to join their churches as a precondition for officiating at your wedding are not asking just to pad the membership rolls. They're inviting you to join a spiritual community and in this way deepen your understanding of the real meaning of a life of faith. You mentioned what your faith does for you and that's beautiful, but what does your faith do for others? It's in community where we gain the strength and generosity of spirit to help others when they are weak, and receive their support when we stumble.

Furthermore, on a practical note, the clergy you've asked to marry you are not able to sustain themselves and their families simply by picking up wedding gigs. They've committed themselves to sustaining their communities, and their communities have committed themselves to sustaining their clergy. It's not too much to ask you to join in that support as a sign of gratitude for what you've asked the clergy to do for you.

I believe that if you look with the eye of your soul, you'll find some church and some pastor able to both challenge you and respect you. I believe you can find a Christian community that will open its arms to you. Then you can have a wedding that ends with you saying to the minister, "I could not imagine anyone else marrying us. Thank you!" Then, he or she will hug you and say, "I felt the same way. See you in church...after your honeymoon."

(Send QUESTIONS ONLY to The God Squad, c/o Tribune Media Services, 2225 Kenmore Ave., Suite 114, Buffalo, NY 14207, or email them to godsquadquestion@aol.com.