Section 20 of 25 - Table of Contents
"If half what I've heard is true, Merry Down is as good as gone. The
fellow means to have it, and he's rich enough to buy the county itself.
Short of assassination, I don't see what anybody can do. Of course, if
you like, you can reproduce him in wax and then stick pins into the
image. But that's very old-fashioned, and renders you liable to
cremation without the option of a fine. Besides, as a magistrate, I feel
it my bounden duty to----"
"I thought witchcraft and witches were out of date," said Adele.
"Not at all," said Berry. "Only last week we bound one over for
discussing the housing question with a wart-hog. The animal, which, till
then, had been laying steadily, became unsettled and suspicious and
finally attacked an inoffensive Stilton with every circumstance of
barbarity."
"How awful!" said Adele. "You do see life as a magistrate, don't you?
And I suppose somebody kissed the wart-hog, and it turned into a French
count? You know, it's a shame about you."
Berry looked round.
"Mocked," he said. "And at my own table. With her small mouth crammed
with food, for which I shall be called upon to pay, she actually----"
"O-o-oh!" cried Adele. "It wasn't. Besides, you shouldn't have asked
me."
"I can only say," said Berry, "that I am surprised and pained. From the
bosom of my family I, as the head, naturally expect nothing but the
foulest scurrility and derision. But when a comparative stranger, whom,
with characteristic generosity, I have made free of my heart, seizes a
moment which should have been devoted to the mastication of one of my
peaches to vilify her host, then indeed I feel almost unsexed--I mean
unmanned. Are my veins standing out like cords?"
"Only on your nose," said I. "All gnarled, that is."
"There you are," said Berry. "The slow belly reviles the sage. The----"
Scandalized cries from Daphne and Jill interrupted him.
"You ought to be ashamed of yourself," said his wife, pushing back her
chair. "And now let's all have coffee on the terrace. That is, unless
you three want to stay."
Jonah, Berry and I shook our heads, and she took Adele's arm and led the
way out of the room....
It was a wonderful night.
While Nature slept, Magic, sceptred with a wand, sat on her throne.
The sky was rich black velvet, pricked at a million points, from every
one of which issued a cold white brilliance, just luminous enough to
show its whereness, sharp and clear-cut. No slightest breath of wind
ruffled the shadows of the sleeping trees. With one intent, Night and
the countryside had filled the cup of silence so that it brimmed--a feat
that neither cellarer can do alone. The faint sweet scent of honeysuckle
stole on its errant way, 'such stuff as dreams are made on,' so that the
silken fabric of the air took on a tint of daintiness so rare, fleeting,
and exquisite as made your fancy riot, conjuring mirages of smooth
enchantment, gardens that hung luxuriant beneath a languorous moon, the
plash of water and the soft sob of flutes....
For a long moment all the world was fairy. Then, with a wild scrabble of
claws upon stone, a small white shape shot from beneath my chair, took
the broad steps at a bound and vanished into the darkness. The welter of
barks and growls and grunts of expended energy, rising a moment later
from the midst of the great lawn, suggested that a cat had retired to
the convenient shelter of the mulberry tree.
The sudden eruption startled us all, and Berry dwelt with some asperity
upon the danger of distracting the digestive organs while at work.
Menacingly I demanded the terrier's immediate return. Upon the third
time of asking the uproar ceased, and a few seconds later Nobby came
padding out of the gloom with the cheerful demeanour of the labourer who
has done well and shown himself worthy of his hire. Wise in his
generation, he had learned that it is a hard heart which the
pleasurable, if mistaken, glow of faithful service will not disarm.
Sternly I set the miscreant upon my knee. For a moment we eyed one
another with mutual mistrust and understanding. Then he thrust up a wet
nose and licked my face....
For a minute or two there was no noise save the occasional chink of a
coffee-cup against its saucer. Then--
"Since you ask me," said Berry, "my horoscope is of peculiar interest."
"What's a horoscope?" said Jill.
"A cross between a birth certificate and a conduct sheet," said I,
nodding at Berry. "His is a wonder. You can get a copy of it for three
and sixpence at Scotland Yard."
"I was born," said my brother-in-law, "when Uranus was in conjunction,
Saturn in opposition, and the Conservatives in power. Venus was all
gibbous, the Zodiac was in its zenith, and the zenith was in Charles's
Wain, commonly called The Cart. My sign was Oleaqua--The Man with the
Watering Pot. When I add that a thunderstorm was raging, and that my
father had bet five pounds I should be a girl, and had decided to call
me 'Hosannah,' you will appreciate that it is no ordinary being who is
addressing you. A singularly beautiful infant, it was at once obvious
that I was born to rule. Several people said it was inevitable, among
them an organ-grinder, who was ordered out of the grounds, to which
during the excitement he had gained access. He didn't put it that way,
but he explained at the police court that that was what he had meant."
"To whose good offices," said Jonah, "do you ascribe your pretty ways?"
"Uranus," was the airy reply. "From that deity came also meekness, an
unshakable belief in human nature, and the fidgets."
"You ought to have been called after him," said Adele.
"My godfathers thought otherwise. In a fit of generosity they gave me my
name and a pint pot, which the more credulous declared to be silver, but
whose hallmark persistently defied detection. Then the fount dried up.
And now let me read your hand. Or would you rather I taught you the
three-card trick?"
"It's too dark," I protested. "Besides, she's going to sing."
"Who said so?" said Adele. "I was going to suggest that you told us a
fairy tale."
"A song for a tale," said I.
"Done."
"There was once a princess," said I, "with eyes like brown stars and a
voice like the song of a silver brook. One day she was sitting all alone
by the side of a shady trout-stream, when she heard a bell. For a moment
she thought she was dreaming, for she was rather tired. Then she heard
it again--a clear tinkle, which seemed to arise from the heart of the
stream itself. This surprised the princess very much, because no bells
were allowed in her father's kingdom. The old man was a bit of an
autocrat, and one morning, when he had been rung up seven times running
by subjects who wanted quite a different number, he just passed a law
prohibiting bells, and that was that. Well, while she was wondering what
to do the bell rang again rather angrily, and, before she knew where she
was, she had said 'Come in.'
"'At last,' said a voice, and a large frog heaved himself out of the
water and sat down on a tuft of grass on the opposite bank. 'I shan't
knock next time.'
"'I didn't hear you knock,' said the princess.
"'I didn't,' said the frog. 'I rang. How's your father?'
"'Full of beans,' said the princess. 'And yours?'
"'That's my business,' said the frog. 'Are you married yet?'
"'No such luck,' said the princess. 'And, what's more, I never shall
be.'
"'Why?' said the frog. 'Half the kingdom goes with you, doesn't it?'
"'Exactly,' said the princess. 'And there's the rub.'
"'Where?' said the frog, looking round.
"'Well, I'm all right,' said the princess, 'but who wants half a
one-horse kingdom that's mortgaged up to the hilt and a bit over?'
"At this the frog looked so wise that the princess felt quite
uncomfortable, and began to think he must be a waiter at the Athenaeum
who had had a misunderstanding with a witch. Suddenly--
"'Which of your suitors do you like best?' said the frog.
"'Albert the Watchguard,' said the princess. 'He's a bit of a fool, but
you ought to see him dance.'
"'No, I oughtn't,' said the frog. 'It would be extremely bad for me.
Listen. Tell Albert to come down here with a sieve to-morrow morning. He
may be a bit of a fool, but, if he doesn't apply for you before lunch,
he's a congenital idiot.' And with that he took a short run and dived
into the stream.
"The princess did as she was bid, and at eleven o'clock the next morning
Albert the Watchguard appeared, complete with sieve, upon the bank of
the trout-stream. Twenty-five minutes later, with a cigarette behind his
ear and _a nugget of gold in each boot_, he made formal application for
the hand of the princess and half the kingdom--a request which was
immediately granted.
"Two days later they were married.
"What Albert the Watchguard said, on learning that his half of the
kingdom did not include the territory watered by the trout-stream, is
not recorded.
"If you remember, he was a bit of a fool."
"Good for you, old chap," said Daphne.
Jill's hand stole out of the darkness and crept into mine.
Berry turned to Adele.
"A blinking wonder," he said, "is not he? Fancy turning out a comic
cameo like that on demand. But then for years he's been on the staff of
_Chunks_. He does the _Gossipy Gobbets_ column."
Adele laughed musically.
"It was very nice of him to do as I asked," she said. "And as a
bargain's a bargain...."
She rose and turned to the open windows....
I saw her settled at the piano, and then stole back.
A moment later the strains of her beautiful mezzo-soprano floated out
into the darkness.
It is doubtful whether _Printemps Qui Commence_ ever enjoyed a more
exquisite setting.
It was a wonderful night.
* * * * *
If we had driven straight to Brooch the incident would not have
occurred.
We had lunched early, for Berry and I were determined to attend the sale
of Merry Down. Sir Anthony, who was sure to be there, would need
comforting, and we had, moreover, a feeling that we should like to see
the last of an old friend. Once the place had passed into the power of
the dog, we should try to forget. It was Adele's suggestion that she
should accompany us. "I'd like to see Brooch," she had said, "and I want
to get a new piece of silk for my wristwatch. Besides, I can sit in the
car while you and Berry are at the sale. That'll save your taking the
chauffeur." We agreed readily enough.
Because Adele was with us we started in good time, so that we could go
by way of Hickory Hammer and Three Horse Hill. That way would bring us
on to the London road at a point five miles from Brooch, and, while the
view from the hill was as fine as any in the neighbourhood, Hickory
Hammer was not only extremely ancient, but generally accounted one of
the most picturesque villages in the whole of England.
I was driving, with Nobby beside me, while Adele and Berry sat on the
back seat. Our thoughts were not unnaturally dwelling upon the sale, and
now and again I caught fragments of conversation which suggested that my
brother-in-law was commenting upon the power of money and the
physiognomy of Mr. Dunkelsbaum--whose photograph had appeared in the
paper that very morning, to grace an interview--with marked acerbity.
Once in a while a ripple of laughter from Adele came to my ears, but for
the most part it was a grave discourse, for Berry felt very bitter, and
Adele, whose father's father was the son of an English squire, had taken
to heart the imminent disseizure with a rare sympathy.
It was five minutes to two when we slid out of Lullaby Coppice and on to
the London road. A furlong ahead the road swung awkwardly to the left--a
bend which the unexpected _debouchement_ of a by-road rendered a
veritable pitfall for the unwary motorist. I slowed for the turn
cautiously, for I knew the place, but I was not surprised when, on
rounding the corner, we found ourselves confronted with a state of
affairs presenting all the elements of a first-class smash.
What had happened was transparently clear.
Huddled between a trolley and the nearside bank, which was rising sheer
from the road, was a large red limousine, listing heavily to port and
down by the head. Both vehicles were facing towards Brooch. Plainly the
car had sought to overtake the trolley, which was in the act of emerging
from the by-road, and pass it upon the wrong side. The former, of
course, had been travelling too fast to stop, and the burden which the
latter was bearing had made it impossible for the other to pass upon the
right-hand side. Three sturdy oaks, new felled, one of them full fifty
swaying feet in length, all of them girt by chains on to the trolley's
back, made a redoubtable obstruction. The chauffeur had taken the only
possible course and dashed for the narrowing passage on the left. A
second too late, the car had been pinched between the great wain and the
unyielding bank, like a nut between the jaws of the crackers. But for
the action of the carter, who had stopped his team dead, the car would
have been crushed to flinders.
The two occupants of the limousine were apparently unhurt, for, when I
first saw them, they were standing in the middle of the road, looking
anxiously in our direction. The next moment they were signalling to us
violently, spreading out ridiculous arms, as if the tree-trunks were not
putting our passage of the road for the present out of the question.
As I brought the Rolls to a standstill, I heard a stifled cry. The next
moment Berry's voice hissed in my ear.
"Talk of the devil.... Look at the cove on the right. _It's Dunkelsbaum
himself._"
A lightning glance showed me the truth of his words. The original of the
photograph over which we had pored that morning was standing before us
in all the grossness of flesh.
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