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The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman
Chapter 3.XXXIII.
O blessed health! cried my father, making an exclamation, as he turned
over the leaves to the next chapter, thou art before all gold and
treasure; 'tis thou who enlargest the soul,--and openest all its
powers to receive instruction and to relish virtue.--He that has thee,
has little more to wish for;--and he that is so wretched as to want
thee,--wants every thing with thee.
I have concentrated all that can be said upon this important head,
said my father, into a very little room, therefore we'll read the
chapter quite through.
My father read as follows:
'The whole secret of health depending upon the due contention for
mastery betwixt the radical heat and the radical moisture'--You have
proved that matter of fact, I suppose, above, said Yorick.
Sufficiently, replied my father.
In saying this, my father shut the book,--not as if he resolved to
read no more of it, for he kept his fore-finger in the chapter:--nor
pettishly,-- for he shut the book slowly; his thumb resting, when he
had done it, upon the upper-side of the cover, as his three fingers
supported the lower side of it, without the least compressive
violence.--
I have demonstrated the truth of that point, quoth my father, nodding
to Yorick, most sufficiently in the preceding chapter.
Now could the man in the moon be told, that a man in the earth had
wrote a chapter, sufficiently demonstrating, That the secret of all
health depended upon the due contention for mastery betwixt the
radical heat and the radical moisture,--and that he had managed the
point so well, that there was not one single word wet or dry upon
radical heat or radical moisture, throughout the whole chapter,--or a
single syllable in it, pro or con, directly or indirectly, upon the
contention betwixt these two powers in any part of the animal
oeconomy--
'O thou eternal Maker of all beings!'--he would cry, striking his
breast with his right hand (in case he had one)--'Thou whose power and
goodness can enlarge the faculties of thy creatures to this infinite
degree of excellence and perfection,--What have we Moonites done?'
Chapter 3.XXXIV.
With two strokes, the one at Hippocrates, the other at Lord Verulam,
did my father achieve it.
The stroke at the prince of physicians, with which he began, was no
more than a short insult upon his sorrowful complaint of the Ars
longa,--and Vita brevis.--Life short, cried my father,--and the art of
healing tedious! And who are we to thank for both the one and the
other, but the ignorance of quacks themselves,--and the stage-loads of
chymical nostrums, and peripatetic lumber, with which, in all ages,
they have first flatter'd the world, and at last deceived it?
--O my lord Verulam! cried my father, turning from Hippocrates, and
making his second stroke at him, as the principal of nostrum-mongers,
and the fittest to be made an example of to the rest,--What shall I
say to thee, my great lord Verulam? What shall I say to thy internal
spirit,--thy opium, thy salt-petre,--thy greasy unctions,--thy daily
purges,--thy nightly clysters, and succedaneums?
--My father was never at a loss what to say to any man, upon any
subject; and had the least occasion for the exordium of any man
breathing: how he dealt with his lordship's opinion,--you shall
see;--but when--I know not:-- we must first see what his lordship's
opinion was.
Chapter 3.XXXV.
'The two great causes, which conspire with each other to shorten life,
says lord Verulam, are first--
'The internal spirit, which like a gentle flame wastes the body down
to death:--And secondly, the external air, that parches the body up to
ashes:- -which two enemies attacking us on both sides of our bodies
together, at length destroy our organs, and render them unfit to carry
on the functions of life.'
This being the state of the case, the road to longevity was plain;
nothing more being required, says his lordship, but to repair the
waste committed by the internal spirit, by making the substance of it
more thick and dense, by a regular course of opiates on one side, and
by refrigerating the heat of it on the other, by three grains and a
half of salt-petre every morning before you got up.--
Still this frame of ours was left exposed to the inimical assaults of
the air without;--but this was fenced off again by a course of greasy
unctions, which so fully saturated the pores of the skin, that no
spicula could enter;--nor could any one get out.--This put a stop to
all perspiration, sensible and insensible, which being the cause of so
many scurvy distempers--a course of clysters was requisite to carry
off redundant humours,--and render the system complete.
What my father had to say to my lord of Verulam's opiates, his
salt-petre, and greasy unctions and clysters, you shall read,--but not
to-day--or to- morrow: time presses upon me,--my reader is
impatient--I must get forwards--You shall read the chapter at your
leisure (if you chuse it), as soon as ever the Tristra-paedia is
published.--
Sufficeth it, at present to say, my father levelled the hypothesis
with the ground, and in doing that, the learned know, he built up and
established his own.--
Chapter 3.XXXVI.
The whole secret of health, said my father, beginning the sentence
again, depending evidently upon the due contention betwixt the radical
heat and radical moisture within us;--the least imaginable skill had
been sufficient to have maintained it, had not the school-men
confounded the task, merely (as Van Helmont, the famous chymist, has
proved) by all along mistaking the radical moisture for the tallow and
fat of animal bodies.
Now the radical moisture is not the tallow or fat of animals, but an
oily and balsamous substance; for the fat and tallow, as also the
phlegm or watery parts, are cold; whereas the oily and balsamous parts
are of a lively heat and spirit, which accounts for the observation of
Aristotle, 'Quod omne animal post coitum est triste.'
Now it is certain, that the radical heat lives in the radical
moisture, but whether vice versa, is a doubt: however, when the one
decays, the other decays also; and then is produced, either an
unnatural heat, which causes an unnatural dryness--or an unnatural
moisture, which causes dropsies.--So that if a child, as he grows up,
can but be taught to avoid running into fire or water, as either of
'em threaten his destruction,--'twill be all that is needful to be
done upon that head.--
Chapter 3.XXXVII.
The description of the siege of Jericho itself, could not have engaged
the attention of my uncle Toby more powerfully than the last
chapter;--his eyes were fixed upon my father throughout it;--he never
mentioned radical heat and radical moisture, but my uncle Toby took
his pipe out of his mouth, and shook his head; and as soon as the
chapter was finished, he beckoned to the corporal to come close to his
chair, to ask him the following question,-- aside.--. . .. It was at
the siege of Limerick, an' please your honour, replied the corporal,
making a bow.
The poor fellow and I, quoth my uncle Toby, addressing himself to my
father, were scarce able to crawl out of our tents, at the time the
siege of Limerick was raised, upon the very account you mention.--Now
what can have got into that precious noddle of thine, my dear brother
Toby? cried my father, mentally.--By Heaven! continued he, communing
still with himself, it would puzzle an Oedipus to bring it in point.--
I believe, an' please your honour, quoth the corporal, that if it had
not been for the quantity of brandy we set fire to every night, and
the claret and cinnamon with which I plyed your honour off;--And the
geneva, Trim, added my uncle Toby , which did us more good than all--I
verily believe, continued the corporal, we had both, an' please your
honour, left our lives in the trenches, and been buried in them
too.--The noblest grave, corporal! cried my uncle Toby, his eyes
sparkling as he spoke, that a soldier could wish to lie down in.--But
a pitiful death for him! an' please your honour, replied the corporal.
All this was as much Arabick to my father, as the rites of the Colchi
and Troglodites had been before to my uncle Toby; my father could not
determine whether he was to frown or to smile.
My uncle Toby, turning to Yorick, resumed the case at Limerick, more
intelligibly than he had begun it,--and so settled the point for my
father at once.
Chapter 3.XXXVIII.
It was undoubtedly, said my uncle Toby, a great happiness for myself
and the corporal, that we had all along a burning fever, attended with
a most raging thirst, during the whole five-and-twenty days the flux
was upon us in the camp; otherwise what my brother calls the radical
moisture, must, as I conceive it, inevitably have got the better.--My
father drew in his lungs top-full of air, and looking up, blew it
forth again, as slowly as he possibly could.--
--It was Heaven's mercy to us, continued my uncle Toby, which put it
into the corporal's head to maintain that due contention betwixt the
radical heat and the radical moisture, by reinforceing the fever, as
he did all along, with hot wine and spices; whereby the corporal kept
up (as it were) a continual firing, so that the radical heat stood its
ground from the beginning to the end, and was a fair match for the
moisture, terrible as it was.--Upon my honour, added my uncle Toby,
you might have heard the contention within our bodies, brother Shandy,
twenty toises.--If there was no firing, said Yorick.
Well--said my father, with a full aspiration, and pausing a while
after the word--Was I a judge, and the laws of the country which made
me one permitted it, I would condemn some of the worst malefactors,
provided they had had their clergy. . .--Yorick, foreseeing the
sentence was likely to end with no sort of mercy, laid his hand upon
my father's breast, and begged he would respite it for a few minutes,
till he asked the corporal a question.--Prithee, Trim, said Yorick,
without staying for my father's leave,--tell us honestly--what is thy
opinion concerning this self-same radical heat and radical moisture?
With humble submission to his honour's better judgment, quoth the
corporal, making a bow to my uncle Toby--Speak thy opinion freely,
corporal, said my uncle Toby.--The poor fellow is my servant,--not my
slave,--added my uncle Toby, turning to my father.--
The corporal put his hat under his left arm, and with his stick
hanging upon the wrist of it, by a black thong split into a tassel
about the knot, he marched up to the ground where he had performed his
catechism; then touching his under-jaw with the thumb and fingers of
his right hand before he opened his mouth,--he delivered his notion
thus.
Chapter 3.XXXIX.
Just as the corporal was humming, to begin--in waddled Dr. Slop.--'Tis
not two-pence matter--the corporal shall go on in the next chapter,
let who will come in.--
Well, my good doctor, cried my father sportively, for the transitions
of his passions were unaccountably sudden,--and what has this whelp of
mine to say to the matter?
Had my father been asking after the amputation of the tail of a
puppy-dog-- he could not have done it in a more careless air: the
system which Dr. Slop had laid down, to treat the accident by, no way
allowed of such a mode of enquiry.--He sat down.
Pray, Sir, quoth my uncle Toby, in a manner which could not go
unanswered,- -in what condition is the boy?--'Twill end in a phimosis,
replied Dr. Slop.
I am no wiser than I was, quoth my uncle Toby--returning his pipe into
his mouth.--Then let the corporal go on, said my father, with his
medical lecture.--The corporal made a bow to his old friend, Dr. Slop,
and then delivered his opinion concerning radical heat and radical
moisture, in the following words.
Chapter 3.XL.
The city of Limerick, the siege of which was begun under his majesty
king William himself, the year after I went into the army--lies, an'
please your honours, in the middle of a devilish wet, swampy
country.--'Tis quite surrounded, said my uncle Toby, with the Shannon,
and is, by its situation, one of the strongest fortified places in
Ireland.--
I think this is a new fashion, quoth Dr. Slop, of beginning a medical
lecture.--'Tis all true, answered Trim.--Then I wish the faculty would
follow the cut of it, said Yorick.--'Tis all cut through, an' please
your reverence, said the corporal, with drains and bogs; and besides,
there was such a quantity of rain fell during the siege, the whole
country was like a puddle,--'twas that, and nothing else, which
brought on the flux, and which had like to have killed both his honour
and myself; now there was no such thing, after the first ten days,
continued the corporal, for a soldier to lie dry in his tent, without
cutting a ditch round it, to draw off the water;--nor was that enough,
for those who could afford it, as his honour could, without setting
fire every night to a pewter dish full of brandy, which took off the
damp of the air, and made the inside of the tent as warm as a stove.--
And what conclusion dost thou draw, corporal Trim, cried my father,
from all these premises?
I infer, an' please your worship, replied Trim, that the radical
moisture is nothing in the world but ditch-water--and that the radical
heat, of those who can go to the expence of it, is burnt brandy,--the
radical heat and moisture of a private man, an' please your honour, is
nothing but ditch-water--and a dram of geneva--and give us but enough
of it, with a pipe of tobacco, to give us spirits, and drive away the
vapours--we know not what it is to fear death.
I am at a loss, Captain Shandy, quoth Doctor Slop, to determine in
which branch of learning your servant shines most, whether in
physiology or divinity.--Slop had not forgot Trim's comment upon the
sermon.--
It is but an hour ago, replied Yorick, since the corporal was examined
in the latter, and passed muster with great honour.--
The radical heat and moisture, quoth Doctor Slop, turning to my
father, you must know, is the basis and foundation of our being--as
the root of a tree is the source and principle of its vegetation.--It
is inherent in the seeds of all animals, and may be preserved sundry
ways, but principally in my opinion by consubstantials, impriments,
and occludents.--Now this poor fellow, continued Dr. Slop, pointing to
the corporal, has had the misfortune to have heard some superficial
empiric discourse upon this nice point.--That he has,--said my
father.--Very likely, said my uncle.--I'm sure of it--quoth Yorick.--
Chapter 3.XLI.
Doctor Slop being called out to look at a cataplasm he had ordered, it
gave my father an opportunity of going on with another chapter in the
Tristra- paedia.--Come! cheer up, my lads; I'll shew you land--for
when we have tugged through that chapter, the book shall not be opened
again this twelve-month.--Huzza!--
Chapter 3.XLII.
--Five years with a bib under his chin;
Four years in travelling from Christ-cross-row to Malachi;
A year and a half in learning to write his own name;
Seven long years and more (Greek)-ing it, at Greek and Latin;
Four years at his probations and his negations--the fine statue still
lying in the middle of the marble block,--and nothing done, but his
tools sharpened to hew it out!--'Tis a piteous delay!--Was not the
great Julius Scaliger within an ace of never getting his tools
sharpened at all?--Forty- four years old was he before he could manage
his Greek;--and Peter Damianus, lord bishop of Ostia, as all the world
knows, could not so much as read, when he was of man's estate.--And
Baldus himself, as eminent as he turned out after, entered upon the
law so late in life, that every body imagined he intended to be an
advocate in the other world: no wonder, when Eudamidas, the son of
Archidamas, heard Xenocrates at seventy-five disputing about wisdom,
that he asked gravely,--If the old man be yet disputing and enquiring
concerning wisdom,--what time will he have to make use of it?
Yorick listened to my father with great attention; there was a
seasoning of wisdom unaccountably mixed up with his strangest whims,
and he had sometimes such illuminations in the darkest of his
eclipses, as almost atoned for them:--be wary, Sir, when you imitate
him.
I am convinced, Yorick, continued my father, half reading and half
discoursing, that there is a North-west passage to the intellectual
world; and that the soul of man has shorter ways of going to work, in
furnishing itself with knowledge and instruction, than we generally
take with it.-- But, alack! all fields have not a river or a spring
running besides them;-- every child, Yorick, has not a parent to point
it out.
--The whole entirely depends, added my father, in a low voice, upon
the auxiliary verbs, Mr. Yorick.
Had Yorick trod upon Virgil's snake, he could not have looked more
surprised.--I am surprised too, cried my father, observing it,--and I
reckon it as one of the greatest calamities which ever befel the
republic of letters, That those who have been entrusted with the
education of our children, and whose business it was to open their
minds, and stock them early with ideas, in order to set the
imagination loose upon them, have made so little use of the auxiliary
verbs in doing it, as they have done-- So that, except Raymond
Lullius, and the elder Pelegrini, the last of which arrived to such
perfection in the use of 'em, with his topics, that, in a few lessons,
he could teach a young gentleman to discourse with plausibility upon
any subject, pro and con, and to say and write all that could be
spoken or written concerning it, without blotting a word, to the
admiration of all who beheld him.--I should be glad, said Yorick,
interrupting my father, to be made to comprehend this matter. You
shall, said my father.
The highest stretch of improvement a single word is capable of, is a
high metaphor,--for which, in my opinion, the idea is generally the
worse, and not the better;--but be that as it may,--when the mind has
done that with it--there is an end,--the mind and the idea are at
rest,--until a second idea enters;--and so on.
Now the use of the Auxiliaries is, at once to set the soul a-going by
herself upon the materials as they are brought her; and by the
versability of this great engine, round which they are twisted, to
open new tracts of enquiry, and make every idea engender millions.
You excite my curiosity greatly, said Yorick.
For my own part, quoth my uncle Toby, I have given it up.--The Danes,
an' please your honour, quoth the corporal, who were on the left at
the siege of Limerick, were all auxiliaries.--And very good ones, said
my uncle Toby.--But the auxiliaries, Trim, my brother is talking
about,--I conceive to be different things.--
--You do? said my father, rising up.