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The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman
Chapter 3.XXII.
King William, said my uncle Toby, addressing himself to Yorick, was so
terribly provoked at count Solmes for disobeying his orders, that he
would not suffer him to come into his presence for many months
after.--I fear, answered Yorick, the squire will be as much provoked
at the corporal, as the King at the count.--But 'twould be singularly
hard in this case, continued be, if corporal Trim, who has behaved so
diametrically opposite to count Solmes, should have the fate to be
rewarded with the same disgrace:--too oft in this world, do things
take that train.--I would spring a mine, cried my uncle Toby, rising
up,--and blow up my fortifications, and my house with them, and we
would perish under their ruins, ere I would stand by and see it.--Trim
directed a slight,--but a grateful bow towards his master,--and so the
chapter ends.
Chapter 3.XXIII.
--Then, Yorick, replied my uncle Toby, you and I will lead the way
abreast,--and do you, corporal, follow a few paces behind us.--And
Susannah, an' please your honour, said Trim, shall be put in the
rear.-- 'Twas an excellent disposition,--and in this order, without
either drums beating, or colours flying, they marched slowly from my
uncle Toby's house to Shandy-hall.
--I wish, said Trim, as they entered the door,--instead of the sash
weights, I had cut off the church spout, as I once thought to have
done.-- You have cut off spouts enow, replied Yorick.
Chapter 3.XXIV.
As many pictures as have been given of my father, how like him soever
in different airs and attitudes,--not one, or all of them, can ever
help the reader to any kind of preconception of how my father would
think, speak, or act, upon any untried occasion or occurrence of
life.--There was that infinitude of oddities in him, and of chances
along with it, by which handle he would take a thing,--it baffled,
Sir, all calculations.--The truth was, his road lay so very far on one
side, from that wherein most men travelled,--that every object before
him presented a face and section of itself to his eye, altogether
different from the plan and elevation of it seen by the rest of
mankind.--In other words, 'twas a different object, and in course was
differently considered:
This is the true reason, that my dear Jenny and I, as well as all the
world besides us, have such eternal squabbles about nothing.--She
looks at her outside,--I, at her in. . .. How is it possible we
should agree about her value?
Chapter 3.XXV.
'Tis a point settled,--and I mention it for the comfort of Confucius,
(Mr Shandy is supposed to mean. . ., Esq; member for. . .,--and not
the Chinese Legislator.) who is apt to get entangled in telling a
plain story--that provided he keeps along the line of his story,--he
may go backwards and forwards as he will,--'tis still held to be no
digression.
This being premised, I take the benefit of the act of going backwards
myself.
Chapter 3.XXVI.
Fifty thousand pannier loads of devils--(not of the Archbishop of
Benevento's--I mean of Rabelais's devils), with their tails chopped
off by their rumps, could not have made so diabolical a scream of it,
as I did-- when the accident befel me: it summoned up my mother
instantly into the nursery,--so that Susannah had but just time to
make her escape down the back stairs, as my mother came up the fore.
Now, though I was old enough to have told the story myself,--and young
enough, I hope, to have done it without malignity; yet Susannah, in
passing by the kitchen, for fear of accidents, had left it in
short-hand with the cook--the cook had told it with a commentary to
Jonathan, and Jonathan to Obadiah; so that by the time my father had
rung the bell half a dozen times, to know what was the matter
above,--was Obadiah enabled to give him a particular account of it,
just as it had happened.--I thought as much, said my father, tucking
up his night-gown;--and so walked up stairs.
One would imagine from this--(though for my own part I somewhat
question it)--that my father, before that time, had actually wrote
that remarkable character in the Tristra-paedia, which to me is the
most original and entertaining one in the whole book;--and that is the
chapter upon sash- windows, with a bitter Philippick at the end of it,
upon the forgetfulness of chamber-maids.--I have but two reasons for
thinking otherwise.
First, Had the matter been taken into consideration, before the event
happened, my father certainly would have nailed up the sash window for
good an' all;--which, considering with what difficulty he composed
books,--he might have done with ten times less trouble, than he could
have wrote the chapter: this argument I foresee holds good against
his writing a chapter, even after the event; but 'tis obviated under
the second reason, which I have the honour to offer to the world in
support of my opinion, that my father did not write the chapter upon
sash-windows and chamber-pots, at the time supposed,--and it is this.
--That, in order to render the Tristra-paedia complete,--I wrote the
chapter myself.
Chapter 3.XXVII.
My father put on his spectacles--looked,--took them off,--put them
into the case--all in less than a statutable minute; and without
opening his lips, turned about and walked precipitately down stairs:
my mother imagined he had stepped down for lint and basilicon; but
seeing him return with a couple of folios under his arm, and Obadiah
following him with a large reading-desk, she took it for granted 'twas
an herbal, and so drew him a chair to the bedside, that he might
consult upon the case at his ease.
--If it be but right done,--said my father, turning to the Section--de
sede vel subjecto circumcisionis,--for he had brought up Spenser de
Legibus Hebraeorum Ritualibus--and Maimonides, in order to confront
and examine us altogether.--
--If it be but right done, quoth he:--only tell us, cried my mother,
interrupting him, what herbs?--For that, replied my father, you must
send for Dr. Slop.
My mother went down, and my father went on, reading the section as
follows,
. . .--Very well,--said my father,. . .--nay, if it has that
convenience-- and so without stopping a moment to settle it first in
his mind, whether the Jews had it from the Egyptians, or the Egyptians
from the Jews,--he rose up, and rubbing his forehead two or three
times across with the palm of his hand, in the manner we rub out the
footsteps of care, when evil has trod lighter upon us than we
foreboded,--he shut the book, and walked down stairs.--Nay, said he,
mentioning the name of a different great nation upon every step as he
set his foot upon it--if the Egyptians,--the Syrians,--the
Phoenicians,--the Arabians,--the Cappadocians,--if the Colchi, and
Troglodytes did it--if Solon and Pythagoras submitted,--what is
Tristram?-- Who am I, that I should fret or fume one moment about the
matter?
Chapter 3.XXVIII.
Dear Yorick, said my father smiling (for Yorick had broke his rank
with my uncle Toby in coming through the narrow entry, and so had
stept first into the parlour)--this Tristram of ours, I find, comes
very hardly by all his religious rites.--Never was the son of Jew,
Christian, Turk, or Infidel initiated into them in so oblique and
slovenly a manner.--But he is no worse, I trust, said Yorick.--There
has been certainly, continued my father, the deuce and all to do in
some part or other of the ecliptic, when this offspring of mine was
formed.--That, you are a better judge of than I, replied
Yorick.--Astrologers, quoth my father, know better than us both:-- the
trine and sextil aspects have jumped awry,--or the opposite of their
ascendents have not hit it, as they should,--or the lords of the
genitures (as they call them) have been at bo-peep,--or something has
been wrong above, or below with us.
'Tis possible, answered Yorick.--But is the child, cried my uncle
Toby, the worse?--The Troglodytes say not, replied my father. And
your theologists, Yorick, tell us--Theologically? said Yorick,--or
speaking after the manner of apothecaries? (footnote in Greek
Philo.)--statesmen? (footnote in Greek)--or washer-women? (footnote in
Greek Bochart.)
--I'm not sure, replied my father,--but they tell us, brother Toby,
he's the better for it.--Provided, said Yorick, you travel him into
Egypt.--Of that, answered my father, he will have the advantage, when
he sees the Pyramids.--
Now every word of this, quoth my uncle Toby, is Arabic to me.--I wish,
said Yorick, 'twas so, to half the world.
--Ilus, (footnote in Greek Sanchuniatho.) continued my father,
circumcised his whole army one morning.--Not without a court martial?
cried my uncle Toby.--Though the learned, continued he, taking no
notice of my uncle Toby's remark, but turning to Yorick,--are greatly
divided still who Ilus was;--some say Saturn;--some the Supreme
Being;--others, no more than a brigadier general under
Pharaoh-neco.--Let him be who he will, said my uncle Toby, I know not
by what article of war he could justify it.
The controvertists, answered my father, assign two-and-twenty
different reasons for it:--others, indeed, who have drawn their pens
on the opposite side of the question, have shewn the world the
futility of the greatest part of them.--But then again, our best
polemic divines--I wish there was not a polemic divine, said Yorick,
in the kingdom;--one ounce of practical divinity--is worth a painted
ship-load of all their reverences have imported these fifty
years.--Pray, Mr. Yorick, quoth my uncle Toby,--do tell me what a
polemic divine is?--The best description, captain Shandy, I have ever
read, is of a couple of 'em, replied Yorick, in the account of the
battle fought single hands betwixt Gymnast and captain Tripet; which I
have in my pocket.--I beg I may hear it, quoth my uncle Toby
earnestly.-- You shall, said Yorick.--And as the corporal is waiting
for me at the door,--and I know the description of a battle will do
the poor fellow more good than his supper,--I beg, brother, you'll
give him leave to come in.-- With all my soul, said my father.--Trim
came in, erect and happy as an emperor; and having shut the door,
Yorick took a book from his right-hand coat-pocket, and read, or
pretended to read, as follows.
Chapter 3.XXIX.
--'which words being heard by all the soldiers which were there,
divers of them being inwardly terrified, did shrink back and make room
for the assailant: all this did Gymnast very well remark and
consider; and therefore, making as if he would have alighted from off
his horse, as he was poising himself on the mounting side, he most
nimbly (with his short sword by this thigh) shifting his feet in the
stirrup, and performing the stirrup-leather feat, whereby, after the
inclining of his body downwards, he forthwith launched himself aloft
into the air, and placed both his feet together upon the saddle,
standing upright, with his back turned towards his horse's head,--Now,
(said he) my case goes forward. Then suddenly in the same posture
wherein he was, he fetched a gambol upon one foot, and turning to the
left-hand, failed not to carry his body perfectly round, just into his
former position, without missing one jot.--Ha! said Tripet, I will not
do that at this time,--and not without cause. Well, said Gymnast, I
have failed,--I will undo this leap; then with a marvellous strength
and agility, turning towards the right-hand, he fetched another
striking gambol as before; which done, he set his right hand thumb
upon the bow of the saddle, raised himself up, and sprung into the
air, poising and upholding his whole weight upon the muscle and nerve
of the said thumb, and so turned and whirled himself about three
times: at the fourth, reversing his body, and overturning it upside
down, and foreside back, without touching any thing, he brought
himself betwixt the horse's two ears, and then giving himself a
jerking swing, he seated himself upon the crupper--'
(This can't be fighting, said my uncle Toby.--The corporal shook his
head at it.--Have patience, said Yorick.)
'Then (Tripet) pass'd his right leg over his saddle, and placed
himself en croup.--But, said he, 'twere better for me to get into the
saddle; then putting the thumbs of both hands upon the crupper before
him, and there- upon leaning himself, as upon the only supporters of
his body, he incontinently turned heels over head in the air, and
strait found himself betwixt the bow of the saddle in a tolerable
seat; then springing into the air with a summerset, he turned him
about like a wind-mill, and made above a hundred frisks, turns, and
demi-pommadas.'--Good God! cried Trim, losing all patience,--one home
thrust of a bayonet is worth it all.--I think so too, replied
Yorick.--
I am of a contrary opinion, quoth my father.
Chapter 3.XXX.
--No,--I think I have advanced nothing, replied my father, making
answer to a question which Yorick had taken the liberty to put to
him,--I have advanced nothing in the Tristra-paedia, but what is as
clear as any one proposition in Euclid.--Reach me, Trim, that book
from off the scrutoir:-- it has oft-times been in my mind, continued
my father, to have read it over both to you, Yorick, and to my brother
Toby, and I think it a little unfriendly in myself, in not having done
it long ago:--shall we have a short chapter or two now,--and a chapter
or two hereafter, as occasions serve; and so on, till we get through
the whole? My uncle Toby and Yorick made the obeisance which was
proper; and the corporal, though he was not included in the
compliment, laid his hand upon his breast, and made his bow at the
same time.--The company smiled. Trim, quoth my father, has paid the
full price for staying out the entertainment.--He did not seem to
relish the play, replied Yorick.--'Twas a Tom-fool-battle, an' please
your reverence, of captain Tripet's and that other officer, making so
many summersets, as they advanced;--the French come on capering now
and then in that way,--but not quite so much.
My uncle Toby never felt the consciousness of his existence with more
complacency than what the corporal's, and his own reflections, made
him do at that moment;--he lighted his pipe,--Yorick drew his chair
closer to the table,--Trim snuff'd the candle,--my father stirr'd up
the fire,--took up the book,--cough'd twice, and begun.
Chapter 3.XXXI.
The first thirty pages, said my father, turning over the leaves,--are
a little dry; and as they are not closely connected with the
subject,--for the present we'll pass them by: 'tis a prefatory
introduction, continued my father, or an introductory preface (for I
am not determined which name to give it) upon political or civil
government; the foundation of which being laid in the first
conjunction betwixt male and female, for procreation of the species--I
was insensibly led into it.--'Twas natural, said Yorick.
The original of society, continued my father, I'm satisfied is, what
Politian tells us, i. e. merely conjugal; and nothing more than the
getting together of one man and one woman;--to which, (according to
Hesiod) the philosopher adds a servant:--but supposing in the first
beginning there were no men servants born--he lays the foundation of
it, in a man,--a woman--and a bull.--I believe 'tis an ox, quoth
Yorick, quoting the passage (Greek)--A bull must have given more
trouble than his head was worth.--But there is a better reason still,
said my father (dipping his pen into his ink); for the ox being the
most patient of animals, and the most useful withal in tilling the
ground for their nourishment,--was the properest instrument, and
emblem too, for the new joined couple, that the creation could have
associated with them.--And there is a stronger reason, added my uncle
Toby, than them all for the ox.--My father had not power to take his
pen out of his ink-horn, till he had heard my uncle Toby's
reason.--For when the ground was tilled, said my uncle Toby, and made
worth inclosing, then they began to secure it by walls and ditches,
which was the origin of fortification.--True, true, dear Toby, cried
my father, striking out the bull, and putting the ox in his place.
My father gave Trim a nod, to snuff the candle, and resumed his
discourse.
--I enter upon this speculation, said my father carelessly, and half
shutting the book, as he went on, merely to shew the foundation of the
natural relation between a father and his child; the right and
jurisdiction over whom he acquires these several ways-- 1st, by
marriage. 2d, by adoption. 3d, by legitimation. And 4th, by
procreation; all which I consider in their order.
I lay a slight stress upon one of them, replied Yorick--the act,
especially where it ends there, in my opinion lays as little
obligation upon the child, as it conveys power to the father.--You are
wrong,--said my father argutely, and for this plain reason. . ..--I
own, added my father, that the offspring, upon this account, is not so
under the power and jurisdiction of the mother.--But the reason,
replied Yorick, equally holds good for her.-- She is under authority
herself, said my father:--and besides, continued my father, nodding
his head, and laying his finger upon the side of his nose, as he
assigned his reason,--she is not the principal agent, Yorick.--In
what, quoth my uncle Toby? stopping his pipe.--Though by all means,
added my father (not attending to my uncle Toby), 'The son ought to
pay her respect,' as you may read, Yorick, at large in the first book
of the Institutes of Justinian, at the eleventh title and the tenth
section.--I can read it as well, replied Yorick, in the Catechism.
Chapter 3.XXXII.
Trim can repeat every word of it by heart, quoth my uncle Toby.--Pugh!
said my father, not caring to be interrupted with Trim's saying his
Catechism. He can, upon my honour, replied my uncle Toby.--Ask him,
Mr. Yorick, any question you please.--
--The fifth Commandment, Trim,--said Yorick, speaking mildly, and with
a gentle nod, as to a modest Catechumen. The corporal stood
silent.--You don't ask him right, said my uncle Toby, raising his
voice, and giving it rapidly like the word of command:--The
fifth--cried my uncle Toby.--I must begin with the first, an' please
your honour, said the corporal.--
--Yorick could not forbear smiling.--Your reverence does not consider,
said the corporal, shouldering his stick like a musket, and marching
into the middle of the room, to illustrate his position,--that 'tis
exactly the same thing, as doing one's exercise in the field.--
'Join your right-hand to your firelock,' cried the corporal, giving
the word of command, and performing the motion.--
'Poise your firelock,' cried the corporal, doing the duty still both
of adjutant and private man.
'Rest your firelock;'--one motion, an' please your reverence, you see
leads into another.--If his honour will begin but with the first--
The First--cried my uncle Toby, setting his hand upon his side--. . ..
The Second--cried my uncle Toby, waving his tobacco-pipe, as he would
have done his sword at the head of a regiment.--The corporal went
through his manual with exactness; and having honoured his father and
mother, made a low bow, and fell back to the side of the room.
Every thing in this world, said my father, is big with jest, and has
wit in it, and instruction too,--if we can but find it out.
--Here is the scaffold work of Instruction, its true point of folly,
without the Building behind it.
--Here is the glass for pedagogues, preceptors, tutors, governors,
gerund- grinders, and bear-leaders to view themselves in, in their
true dimensions.--
Oh! there is a husk and shell, Yorick, which grows up with learning,
which their unskilfulness knows not how to fling away!
--Sciences May Be Learned by Rote But Wisdom Not.
Yorick thought my father inspired.--I will enter into obligations this
moment, said my father, to lay out all my aunt Dinah's legacy in
charitable uses (of which, by the bye, my father had no high opinion),
if the corporal has any one determinate idea annexed to any one word
he has repeated.-- Prithee, Trim, quoth my father, turning round to
him,--What dost thou mean, by 'honouring thy father and mother?'
Allowing them, an' please your honour, three halfpence a day out of my
pay, when they grow old.--And didst thou do that, Trim? said
Yorick.--He did indeed, replied my uncle Toby.--Then, Trim, said
Yorick, springing out of his chair, and taking the corporal by the
hand, thou art the best commentator upon that part of the Decalogue;
and I honour thee more for it, corporal Trim, than if thou hadst had a
hand in the Talmud itself.