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Chapter 3.XXII. King William, said my uncle Toby, addressing himself to Yorick, was so terribly provoked at count Solmes for disobeying his orders, that he would not suffer him to come into his presence for many months after.--I fear, answered Yorick, the squire will be as much provoked at the corporal, as the King at the count.--But 'twould be singularly hard in this case, continued be, if corporal Trim, who has behaved so diametrically opposite to count Solmes, should have the fate to be rewarded with the same disgrace:--too oft in this world, do things take that train.--I would spring a mine, cried my uncle Toby, rising up,--and blow up my fortifications, and my house with them, and we would perish under their ruins, ere I would stand by and see it.--Trim directed a slight,--but a grateful bow towards his master,--and so the chapter ends. Chapter 3.XXIII. --Then, Yorick, replied my uncle Toby, you and I will lead the way abreast,--and do you, corporal, follow a few paces behind us.--And Susannah, an' please your honour, said Trim, shall be put in the rear.-- 'Twas an excellent disposition,--and in this order, without either drums beating, or colours flying, they marched slowly from my uncle Toby's house to Shandy-hall. --I wish, said Trim, as they entered the door,--instead of the sash weights, I had cut off the church spout, as I once thought to have done.-- You have cut off spouts enow, replied Yorick. Chapter 3.XXIV. As many pictures as have been given of my father, how like him soever in different airs and attitudes,--not one, or all of them, can ever help the reader to any kind of preconception of how my father would think, speak, or act, upon any untried occasion or occurrence of life.--There was that infinitude of oddities in him, and of chances along with it, by which handle he would take a thing,--it baffled, Sir, all calculations.--The truth was, his road lay so very far on one side, from that wherein most men travelled,--that every object before him presented a face and section of itself to his eye, altogether different from the plan and elevation of it seen by the rest of mankind.--In other words, 'twas a different object, and in course was differently considered: This is the true reason, that my dear Jenny and I, as well as all the world besides us, have such eternal squabbles about nothing.--She looks at her outside,--I, at her in. . .. How is it possible we should agree about her value? Chapter 3.XXV. 'Tis a point settled,--and I mention it for the comfort of Confucius, (Mr Shandy is supposed to mean. . ., Esq; member for. . .,--and not the Chinese Legislator.) who is apt to get entangled in telling a plain story--that provided he keeps along the line of his story,--he may go backwards and forwards as he will,--'tis still held to be no digression. This being premised, I take the benefit of the act of going backwards myself. Chapter 3.XXVI. Fifty thousand pannier loads of devils--(not of the Archbishop of Benevento's--I mean of Rabelais's devils), with their tails chopped off by their rumps, could not have made so diabolical a scream of it, as I did-- when the accident befel me: it summoned up my mother instantly into the nursery,--so that Susannah had but just time to make her escape down the back stairs, as my mother came up the fore. Now, though I was old enough to have told the story myself,--and young enough, I hope, to have done it without malignity; yet Susannah, in passing by the kitchen, for fear of accidents, had left it in short-hand with the cook--the cook had told it with a commentary to Jonathan, and Jonathan to Obadiah; so that by the time my father had rung the bell half a dozen times, to know what was the matter above,--was Obadiah enabled to give him a particular account of it, just as it had happened.--I thought as much, said my father, tucking up his night-gown;--and so walked up stairs. One would imagine from this--(though for my own part I somewhat question it)--that my father, before that time, had actually wrote that remarkable character in the Tristra-paedia, which to me is the most original and entertaining one in the whole book;--and that is the chapter upon sash- windows, with a bitter Philippick at the end of it, upon the forgetfulness of chamber-maids.--I have but two reasons for thinking otherwise. First, Had the matter been taken into consideration, before the event happened, my father certainly would have nailed up the sash window for good an' all;--which, considering with what difficulty he composed books,--he might have done with ten times less trouble, than he could have wrote the chapter: this argument I foresee holds good against his writing a chapter, even after the event; but 'tis obviated under the second reason, which I have the honour to offer to the world in support of my opinion, that my father did not write the chapter upon sash-windows and chamber-pots, at the time supposed,--and it is this. --That, in order to render the Tristra-paedia complete,--I wrote the chapter myself. Chapter 3.XXVII. My father put on his spectacles--looked,--took them off,--put them into the case--all in less than a statutable minute; and without opening his lips, turned about and walked precipitately down stairs: my mother imagined he had stepped down for lint and basilicon; but seeing him return with a couple of folios under his arm, and Obadiah following him with a large reading-desk, she took it for granted 'twas an herbal, and so drew him a chair to the bedside, that he might consult upon the case at his ease. --If it be but right done,--said my father, turning to the Section--de sede vel subjecto circumcisionis,--for he had brought up Spenser de Legibus Hebraeorum Ritualibus--and Maimonides, in order to confront and examine us altogether.-- --If it be but right done, quoth he:--only tell us, cried my mother, interrupting him, what herbs?--For that, replied my father, you must send for Dr. Slop. My mother went down, and my father went on, reading the section as follows, . . .--Very well,--said my father,. . .--nay, if it has that convenience-- and so without stopping a moment to settle it first in his mind, whether the Jews had it from the Egyptians, or the Egyptians from the Jews,--he rose up, and rubbing his forehead two or three times across with the palm of his hand, in the manner we rub out the footsteps of care, when evil has trod lighter upon us than we foreboded,--he shut the book, and walked down stairs.--Nay, said he, mentioning the name of a different great nation upon every step as he set his foot upon it--if the Egyptians,--the Syrians,--the Phoenicians,--the Arabians,--the Cappadocians,--if the Colchi, and Troglodytes did it--if Solon and Pythagoras submitted,--what is Tristram?-- Who am I, that I should fret or fume one moment about the matter? Chapter 3.XXVIII. Dear Yorick, said my father smiling (for Yorick had broke his rank with my uncle Toby in coming through the narrow entry, and so had stept first into the parlour)--this Tristram of ours, I find, comes very hardly by all his religious rites.--Never was the son of Jew, Christian, Turk, or Infidel initiated into them in so oblique and slovenly a manner.--But he is no worse, I trust, said Yorick.--There has been certainly, continued my father, the deuce and all to do in some part or other of the ecliptic, when this offspring of mine was formed.--That, you are a better judge of than I, replied Yorick.--Astrologers, quoth my father, know better than us both:-- the trine and sextil aspects have jumped awry,--or the opposite of their ascendents have not hit it, as they should,--or the lords of the genitures (as they call them) have been at bo-peep,--or something has been wrong above, or below with us. 'Tis possible, answered Yorick.--But is the child, cried my uncle Toby, the worse?--The Troglodytes say not, replied my father. And your theologists, Yorick, tell us--Theologically? said Yorick,--or speaking after the manner of apothecaries? (footnote in Greek Philo.)--statesmen? (footnote in Greek)--or washer-women? (footnote in Greek Bochart.) --I'm not sure, replied my father,--but they tell us, brother Toby, he's the better for it.--Provided, said Yorick, you travel him into Egypt.--Of that, answered my father, he will have the advantage, when he sees the Pyramids.-- Now every word of this, quoth my uncle Toby, is Arabic to me.--I wish, said Yorick, 'twas so, to half the world. --Ilus, (footnote in Greek Sanchuniatho.) continued my father, circumcised his whole army one morning.--Not without a court martial? cried my uncle Toby.--Though the learned, continued he, taking no notice of my uncle Toby's remark, but turning to Yorick,--are greatly divided still who Ilus was;--some say Saturn;--some the Supreme Being;--others, no more than a brigadier general under Pharaoh-neco.--Let him be who he will, said my uncle Toby, I know not by what article of war he could justify it. The controvertists, answered my father, assign two-and-twenty different reasons for it:--others, indeed, who have drawn their pens on the opposite side of the question, have shewn the world the futility of the greatest part of them.--But then again, our best polemic divines--I wish there was not a polemic divine, said Yorick, in the kingdom;--one ounce of practical divinity--is worth a painted ship-load of all their reverences have imported these fifty years.--Pray, Mr. Yorick, quoth my uncle Toby,--do tell me what a polemic divine is?--The best description, captain Shandy, I have ever read, is of a couple of 'em, replied Yorick, in the account of the battle fought single hands betwixt Gymnast and captain Tripet; which I have in my pocket.--I beg I may hear it, quoth my uncle Toby earnestly.-- You shall, said Yorick.--And as the corporal is waiting for me at the door,--and I know the description of a battle will do the poor fellow more good than his supper,--I beg, brother, you'll give him leave to come in.-- With all my soul, said my father.--Trim came in, erect and happy as an emperor; and having shut the door, Yorick took a book from his right-hand coat-pocket, and read, or pretended to read, as follows. Chapter 3.XXIX. --'which words being heard by all the soldiers which were there, divers of them being inwardly terrified, did shrink back and make room for the assailant: all this did Gymnast very well remark and consider; and therefore, making as if he would have alighted from off his horse, as he was poising himself on the mounting side, he most nimbly (with his short sword by this thigh) shifting his feet in the stirrup, and performing the stirrup-leather feat, whereby, after the inclining of his body downwards, he forthwith launched himself aloft into the air, and placed both his feet together upon the saddle, standing upright, with his back turned towards his horse's head,--Now, (said he) my case goes forward. Then suddenly in the same posture wherein he was, he fetched a gambol upon one foot, and turning to the left-hand, failed not to carry his body perfectly round, just into his former position, without missing one jot.--Ha! said Tripet, I will not do that at this time,--and not without cause. Well, said Gymnast, I have failed,--I will undo this leap; then with a marvellous strength and agility, turning towards the right-hand, he fetched another striking gambol as before; which done, he set his right hand thumb upon the bow of the saddle, raised himself up, and sprung into the air, poising and upholding his whole weight upon the muscle and nerve of the said thumb, and so turned and whirled himself about three times: at the fourth, reversing his body, and overturning it upside down, and foreside back, without touching any thing, he brought himself betwixt the horse's two ears, and then giving himself a jerking swing, he seated himself upon the crupper--' (This can't be fighting, said my uncle Toby.--The corporal shook his head at it.--Have patience, said Yorick.) 'Then (Tripet) pass'd his right leg over his saddle, and placed himself en croup.--But, said he, 'twere better for me to get into the saddle; then putting the thumbs of both hands upon the crupper before him, and there- upon leaning himself, as upon the only supporters of his body, he incontinently turned heels over head in the air, and strait found himself betwixt the bow of the saddle in a tolerable seat; then springing into the air with a summerset, he turned him about like a wind-mill, and made above a hundred frisks, turns, and demi-pommadas.'--Good God! cried Trim, losing all patience,--one home thrust of a bayonet is worth it all.--I think so too, replied Yorick.-- I am of a contrary opinion, quoth my father. Chapter 3.XXX. --No,--I think I have advanced nothing, replied my father, making answer to a question which Yorick had taken the liberty to put to him,--I have advanced nothing in the Tristra-paedia, but what is as clear as any one proposition in Euclid.--Reach me, Trim, that book from off the scrutoir:-- it has oft-times been in my mind, continued my father, to have read it over both to you, Yorick, and to my brother Toby, and I think it a little unfriendly in myself, in not having done it long ago:--shall we have a short chapter or two now,--and a chapter or two hereafter, as occasions serve; and so on, till we get through the whole? My uncle Toby and Yorick made the obeisance which was proper; and the corporal, though he was not included in the compliment, laid his hand upon his breast, and made his bow at the same time.--The company smiled. Trim, quoth my father, has paid the full price for staying out the entertainment.--He did not seem to relish the play, replied Yorick.--'Twas a Tom-fool-battle, an' please your reverence, of captain Tripet's and that other officer, making so many summersets, as they advanced;--the French come on capering now and then in that way,--but not quite so much. My uncle Toby never felt the consciousness of his existence with more complacency than what the corporal's, and his own reflections, made him do at that moment;--he lighted his pipe,--Yorick drew his chair closer to the table,--Trim snuff'd the candle,--my father stirr'd up the fire,--took up the book,--cough'd twice, and begun. Chapter 3.XXXI. The first thirty pages, said my father, turning over the leaves,--are a little dry; and as they are not closely connected with the subject,--for the present we'll pass them by: 'tis a prefatory introduction, continued my father, or an introductory preface (for I am not determined which name to give it) upon political or civil government; the foundation of which being laid in the first conjunction betwixt male and female, for procreation of the species--I was insensibly led into it.--'Twas natural, said Yorick. The original of society, continued my father, I'm satisfied is, what Politian tells us, i. e. merely conjugal; and nothing more than the getting together of one man and one woman;--to which, (according to Hesiod) the philosopher adds a servant:--but supposing in the first beginning there were no men servants born--he lays the foundation of it, in a man,--a woman--and a bull.--I believe 'tis an ox, quoth Yorick, quoting the passage (Greek)--A bull must have given more trouble than his head was worth.--But there is a better reason still, said my father (dipping his pen into his ink); for the ox being the most patient of animals, and the most useful withal in tilling the ground for their nourishment,--was the properest instrument, and emblem too, for the new joined couple, that the creation could have associated with them.--And there is a stronger reason, added my uncle Toby, than them all for the ox.--My father had not power to take his pen out of his ink-horn, till he had heard my uncle Toby's reason.--For when the ground was tilled, said my uncle Toby, and made worth inclosing, then they began to secure it by walls and ditches, which was the origin of fortification.--True, true, dear Toby, cried my father, striking out the bull, and putting the ox in his place. My father gave Trim a nod, to snuff the candle, and resumed his discourse. --I enter upon this speculation, said my father carelessly, and half shutting the book, as he went on, merely to shew the foundation of the natural relation between a father and his child; the right and jurisdiction over whom he acquires these several ways-- 1st, by marriage. 2d, by adoption. 3d, by legitimation. And 4th, by procreation; all which I consider in their order. I lay a slight stress upon one of them, replied Yorick--the act, especially where it ends there, in my opinion lays as little obligation upon the child, as it conveys power to the father.--You are wrong,--said my father argutely, and for this plain reason. . ..--I own, added my father, that the offspring, upon this account, is not so under the power and jurisdiction of the mother.--But the reason, replied Yorick, equally holds good for her.-- She is under authority herself, said my father:--and besides, continued my father, nodding his head, and laying his finger upon the side of his nose, as he assigned his reason,--she is not the principal agent, Yorick.--In what, quoth my uncle Toby? stopping his pipe.--Though by all means, added my father (not attending to my uncle Toby), 'The son ought to pay her respect,' as you may read, Yorick, at large in the first book of the Institutes of Justinian, at the eleventh title and the tenth section.--I can read it as well, replied Yorick, in the Catechism. Chapter 3.XXXII. Trim can repeat every word of it by heart, quoth my uncle Toby.--Pugh! said my father, not caring to be interrupted with Trim's saying his Catechism. He can, upon my honour, replied my uncle Toby.--Ask him, Mr. Yorick, any question you please.-- --The fifth Commandment, Trim,--said Yorick, speaking mildly, and with a gentle nod, as to a modest Catechumen. The corporal stood silent.--You don't ask him right, said my uncle Toby, raising his voice, and giving it rapidly like the word of command:--The fifth--cried my uncle Toby.--I must begin with the first, an' please your honour, said the corporal.-- --Yorick could not forbear smiling.--Your reverence does not consider, said the corporal, shouldering his stick like a musket, and marching into the middle of the room, to illustrate his position,--that 'tis exactly the same thing, as doing one's exercise in the field.-- 'Join your right-hand to your firelock,' cried the corporal, giving the word of command, and performing the motion.-- 'Poise your firelock,' cried the corporal, doing the duty still both of adjutant and private man. 'Rest your firelock;'--one motion, an' please your reverence, you see leads into another.--If his honour will begin but with the first-- The First--cried my uncle Toby, setting his hand upon his side--. . .. The Second--cried my uncle Toby, waving his tobacco-pipe, as he would have done his sword at the head of a regiment.--The corporal went through his manual with exactness; and having honoured his father and mother, made a low bow, and fell back to the side of the room. Every thing in this world, said my father, is big with jest, and has wit in it, and instruction too,--if we can but find it out. --Here is the scaffold work of Instruction, its true point of folly, without the Building behind it. --Here is the glass for pedagogues, preceptors, tutors, governors, gerund- grinders, and bear-leaders to view themselves in, in their true dimensions.-- Oh! there is a husk and shell, Yorick, which grows up with learning, which their unskilfulness knows not how to fling away! --Sciences May Be Learned by Rote But Wisdom Not. Yorick thought my father inspired.--I will enter into obligations this moment, said my father, to lay out all my aunt Dinah's legacy in charitable uses (of which, by the bye, my father had no high opinion), if the corporal has any one determinate idea annexed to any one word he has repeated.-- Prithee, Trim, quoth my father, turning round to him,--What dost thou mean, by 'honouring thy father and mother?' Allowing them, an' please your honour, three halfpence a day out of my pay, when they grow old.--And didst thou do that, Trim? said Yorick.--He did indeed, replied my uncle Toby.--Then, Trim, said Yorick, springing out of his chair, and taking the corporal by the hand, thou art the best commentator upon that part of the Decalogue; and I honour thee more for it, corporal Trim, than if thou hadst had a hand in the Talmud itself.Prev Next All
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