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Chapter 3.I. If it had not been for those two mettlesome tits, and that madcap of a postillion who drove them from Stilton to Stamford, the thought had never entered my head. He flew like lightning--there was a slope of three miles and a half--we scarce touched the ground--the motion was most rapid--most impetuous--'twas communicated to my brain--my heart partook of it--'By the great God of day,' said I, looking towards the sun, and thrusting my arm out of the fore-window of the chaise, as I made my vow, 'I will lock up my study-door the moment I get home, and throw the key of it ninety feet below the surface of the earth, into the draw-well at the back of my house.' The London waggon confirmed me in my resolution; it hung tottering upon the hill, scarce progressive, drag'd--drag'd up by eight heavy beasts--'by main strength!--quoth I, nodding--but your betters draw the same way--and something of every body's!--O rare!' Tell me, ye learned, shall we for ever be adding so much to the bulk--so little to the stock? Shall we for ever make new books, as apothecaries make new mixtures, by pouring only out of one vessel into another? Are we for ever to be twisting, and untwisting the same rope? for ever in the same track--for ever at the same pace? Shall we be destined to the days of eternity, on holy-days, as well as working-days, to be shewing the relicks of learning, as monks do the relicks of their saints--without working one--one single miracle with them? Who made Man, with powers which dart him from earth to heaven in a moment-- that great, that most excellent, and most noble creature of the world--the miracle of nature, as Zoroaster in his book (Greek) called him--the Shekinah of the divine presence, as Chrysostom--the image of God, as Moses- -the ray of divinity, as Plato--the marvel of marvels, as Aristotle--to go sneaking on at this pitiful--pimping--pettifogging rate? I scorn to be as abusive as Horace upon the occasion--but if there is no catachresis in the wish, and no sin in it, I wish from my soul, that every imitator in Great Britain, France, and Ireland, had the farcy for his pains; and that there was a good farcical house, large enough to hold--aye- -and sublimate them, shag rag and bob-tail, male and female, all together: and this leads me to the affair of Whiskers--but, by what chain of ideas--I leave as a legacy in mort-main to Prudes and Tartufs, to enjoy and make the most of. Upon Whiskers. I'm sorry I made it--'twas as inconsiderate a promise as ever entered a man's head--A chapter upon whiskers! alas! the world will not bear it--'tis a delicate world--but I knew not of what mettle it was made--nor had I ever seen the under-written fragment; otherwise, as surely as noses are noses, and whiskers are whiskers still (let the world say what it will to the contrary); so surely would I have steered clear of this dangerous chapter. The Fragment. . . .--You are half asleep, my good lady, said the old gentleman, taking hold of the old lady's hand, and giving it a gentle squeeze, as he pronounced the word Whiskers--shall we change the subject? By no means, replied the old lady--I like your account of those matters; so throwing a thin gauze handkerchief over her head, and leaning it back upon the chair with her face turned towards him, and advancing her two feet as she reclined herself--I desire, continued she, you will go on. The old gentleman went on as follows:--Whiskers! cried the queen of Navarre, dropping her knotting ball, as La Fosseuse uttered the word-- Whiskers, madam, said La Fosseuse, pinning the ball to the queen's apron, and making a courtesy as she repeated it. La Fosseuse's voice was naturally soft and low, yet 'twas an articulate voice: and every letter of the word Whiskers fell distinctly upon the queen of Navarre's ear--Whiskers! cried the queen, laying a greater stress upon the word, and as if she had still distrusted her ears--Whiskers! replied La Fosseuse, repeating the word a third time--There is not a cavalier, madam, of his age in Navarre, continued the maid of honour, pressing the page's interest upon the queen, that has so gallant a pair--Of what? cried Margaret, smiling--Of whiskers, said La Fosseuse, with infinite modesty. The word Whiskers still stood its ground, and continued to be made use of in most of the best companies throughout the little kingdom of Navarre, notwithstanding the indiscreet use which La Fosseuse had made of it: the truth was, La Fosseuse had pronounced the word, not only before the queen, but upon sundry other occasions at court, with an accent which always implied something of a mystery--And as the court of Margaret, as all the world knows, was at that time a mixture of gallantry and devotion--and whiskers being as applicable to the one, as the other, the word naturally stood its ground--it gained full as much as it lost; that is, the clergy were for it--the laity were against it--and for the women,--they were divided. The excellency of the figure and mien of the young Sieur De Croix, was at that time beginning to draw the attention of the maids of honour towards the terrace before the palace gate, where the guard was mounted. The lady De Baussiere fell deeply in love with him,--La Battarelle did the same--it was the finest weather for it, that ever was remembered in Navarre--La Guyol, La Maronette, La Sabatiere, fell in love with the Sieur De Croix also--La Rebours and La Fosseuse knew better--De Croix had failed in an attempt to recommend himself to La Rebours; and La Rebours and La Fosseuse were inseparable. The queen of Navarre was sitting with her ladies in the painted bow-window, facing the gate of the second court, as De Croix passed through it--He is handsome, said the Lady Baussiere--He has a good mien, said La Battarelle-- He is finely shaped, said La Guyol--I never saw an officer of the horse- guards in my life, said La Maronette, with two such legs--Or who stood so well upon them, said La Sabatiere--But he has no whiskers, cried La Fosseuse--Not a pile, said La Rebours. The queen went directly to her oratory, musing all the way, as she walked through the gallery, upon the subject; turning it this way and that way in her fancy--Ave Maria!--what can La-Fosseuse mean? said she, kneeling down upon the cushion. La Guyol, La Battarelle, La Maronette, La Sabatiere, retired instantly to their chambers--Whiskers! said all four of them to themselves, as they bolted their doors on the inside. The Lady Carnavallette was counting her beads with both hands, unsuspected, under her farthingal--from St. Antony down to St. Ursula inclusive, not a saint passed through her fingers without whiskers; St. Francis, St. Dominick, St. Bennet, St. Basil, St. Bridget, had all whiskers. The Lady Baussiere had got into a wilderness of conceits, with moralizing too intricately upon La Fosseuse's text--She mounted her palfrey, her page followed her--the host passed by--the Lady Baussiere rode on. One denier, cried the order of mercy--one single denier, in behalf of a thousand patient captives, whose eyes look towards heaven and you for their redemption. --The Lady Baussiere rode on. Pity the unhappy, said a devout, venerable, hoary-headed man, meekly holding up a box, begirt with iron, in his withered hands--I beg for the unfortunate--good my Lady, 'tis for a prison--for an hospital--'tis for an old man--a poor man undone by shipwreck, by suretyship, by fire--I call God and all his angels to witness--'tis to clothe the naked--to feed the hungry--'tis to comfort the sick and the broken-hearted. The Lady Baussiere rode on. A decayed kinsman bowed himself to the ground. --The Lady Baussiere rode on. He ran begging bare-headed on one side of her palfrey, conjuring her by the former bonds of friendship, alliance, consanguinity, &c.--Cousin, aunt, sister, mother,--for virtue's sake, for your own, for mine, for Christ's sake, remember me--pity me. --The Lady Baussiere rode on. Take hold of my whiskers, said the Lady Baussiere--The page took hold of her palfrey. She dismounted at the end of the terrace. There are some trains of certain ideas which leave prints of themselves about our eyes and eye-brows; and there is a consciousness of it, somewhere about the heart, which serves but to make these etchings the stronger--we see, spell, and put them together without a dictionary. Ha, ha! he, hee! cried La Guyol and La Sabatiere, looking close at each other's prints--Ho, ho! cried La Battarelle and Maronette, doing the same:- -Whist! cried one--ft, ft,--said a second--hush, quoth a third--poo, poo, replied a fourth--gramercy! cried the Lady Carnavallette;--'twas she who bewhisker'd St. Bridget. La Fosseuse drew her bodkin from the knot of her hair, and having traced the outline of a small whisker, with the blunt end of it, upon one side of her upper lip, put in into La Rebours' hand--La Rebours shook her head. The Lady Baussiere coughed thrice into the inside of her muff--La Guyol smiled--Fy, said the Lady Baussiere. The queen of Navarre touched her eye with the tip of her fore-finger--as much as to say, I understand you all. 'Twas plain to the whole court the word was ruined: La Fosseuse had given it a wound, and it was not the better for passing through all these defiles--It made a faint stand, however, for a few months, by the expiration of which, the Sieur De Croix, finding it high time to leave Navarre for want of whiskers--the word in course became indecent, and (after a few efforts) absolutely unfit for use. The best word, in the best language of the best world, must have suffered under such combinations.--The curate of d'Estella wrote a book against them, setting forth the dangers of accessory ideas, and warning the Navarois against them. Does not all the world know, said the curate d'Estella at the conclusion of his work, that Noses ran the same fate some centuries ago in most parts of Europe, which Whiskers have now done in the kingdom of Navarre?--The evil indeed spread no farther then--but have not beds and bolsters, and night- caps and chamber-pots stood upon the brink of destruction ever since? Are not trouse, and placket-holes, and pump-handles--and spigots and faucets, in danger still from the same association?--Chastity, by nature, the gentlest of all affections--give it but its head--'tis like a ramping and a roaring lion. The drift of the curate d'Estella's argument was not understood.--They ran the scent the wrong way.--The world bridled his ass at the tail.--And when the extremes of Delicacy, and the beginnings of Concupiscence, hold their next provincial chapter together, they may decree that bawdy also. Chapter 3.II. When my father received the letter which brought him the melancholy account of my brother Bobby's death, he was busy calculating the expence of his riding post from Calais to Paris, and so on to Lyons. 'Twas a most inauspicious journey; my father having had every foot of it to travel over again, and his calculation to begin afresh, when he had almost got to the end of it, by Obadiah's opening the door to acquaint him the family was out of yeast--and to ask whether he might not take the great coach-horse early in the morning and ride in search of some.--With all my heart, Obadiah, said my father (pursuing his journey)--take the coach- horse, and welcome.--But he wants a shoe, poor creature! said Obadiah.-- Poor creature! said my uncle Toby, vibrating the note back again, like a string in unison. Then ride the Scotch horse, quoth my father hastily.--He cannot bear a saddle upon his back, quoth Obadiah, for the whole world.-- The devil's in that horse; then take Patriot, cried my father, and shut the door.--Patriot is sold, said Obadiah. Here's for you! cried my father, making a pause, and looking in my uncle Toby's face, as if the thing had not been a matter of fact.--Your worship ordered me to sell him last April, said Obadiah.--Then go on foot for your pains, cried my father--I had much rather walk than ride, said Obadiah, shutting the door. What plagues, cried my father, going on with his calculation.--But the waters are out, said Obadiah,--opening the door again. Till that moment, my father, who had a map of Sanson's, and a book of the post-roads before him, had kept his hand upon the head of his compasses, with one foot of them fixed upon Nevers, the last stage he had paid for-- purposing to go on from that point with his journey and calculation, as soon as Obadiah quitted the room: but this second attack of Obadiah's, in opening the door and laying the whole country under water, was too much.-- He let go his compasses--or rather with a mixed motion between accident and anger, he threw them upon the table; and then there was nothing for him to do, but to return back to Calais (like many others) as wise as he had set out. When the letter was brought into the parlour, which contained the news of my brother's death, my father had got forwards again upon his journey to within a stride of the compasses of the very same stage of Nevers.--By your leave, Mons. Sanson, cried my father, striking the point of his compasses through Nevers into the table--and nodding to my uncle Toby to see what was in the letter--twice of one night, is too much for an English gentleman and his son, Mons. Sanson, to be turned back from so lousy a town as Nevers-- What think'st thou, Toby? added my father in a sprightly tone.--Unless it be a garrison town, said my uncle Toby--for then--I shall be a fool, said my father, smiling to himself, as long as I live.--So giving a second nod-- and keeping his compasses still upon Nevers with one hand, and holding his book of the post-roads in the other--half calculating and half listening, he leaned forwards upon the table with both elbows, as my uncle Toby hummed over the letter. . . .he's gone! said my uncle Toby--Where--Who? cried my father.--My nephew, said my uncle Toby.--What--without leave--without money--without governor? cried my father in amazement. No:--he is dead, my dear brother, quoth my uncle Toby.--Without being ill? cried my father again.--I dare say not, said my uncle Toby, in a low voice, and fetching a deep sigh from the bottom of his heart, he has been ill enough, poor lad! I'll answer for him--for he is dead. When Agrippina was told of her son's death, Tacitus informs us, that, not being able to moderate the violence of her passions, she abruptly broke off her work--My father stuck his compasses into Nevers, but so much the faster.--What contrarieties! his, indeed, was matter of calculation!-- Agrippina's must have been quite a different affair; who else could pretend to reason from history? How my father went on, in my opinion, deserves a chapter to itself.-- Chapter 3.III. . . .--And a chapter it shall have, and a devil of a one too--so look to yourselves. 'Tis either Plato, or Plutarch, or Seneca, or Xenophon, or Epictetus, or Theophrastus, or Lucian--or some one perhaps of later date--either Cardan, or Budaeus, or Petrarch, or Stella--or possibly it may be some divine or father of the church, St. Austin, or St. Cyprian, or Barnard, who affirms that it is an irresistible and natural passion to weep for the loss of our friends or children--and Seneca (I'm positive) tells us somewhere, that such griefs evacuate themselves best by that particular channel--And accordingly we find, that David wept for his son Absalom--Adrian for his Antinous--Niobe for her children, and that Apollodorus and Crito both shed tears for Socrates before his death. My father managed his affliction otherwise; and indeed differently from most men either ancient or modern; for he neither wept it away, as the Hebrews and the Romans--or slept it off, as the Laplanders--or hanged it, as the English, or drowned it, as the Germans,--nor did he curse it, or damn it, or excommunicate it, or rhyme it, or lillabullero it.-- --He got rid of it, however. Will your worships give me leave to squeeze in a story between these two pages? When Tully was bereft of his dear daughter Tullia, at first he laid it to his heart,--he listened to the voice of nature, and modulated his own unto it.--O my Tullia! my daughter! my child!--still, still, still,--'twas O my Tullia!--my Tullia! Methinks I see my Tullia, I hear my Tullia, I talk with my Tullia.--But as soon as he began to look into the stores of philosophy, and consider how many excellent things might be said upon the occasion--no body upon earth can conceive, says the great orator, how happy, how joyful it made me. My father was as proud of his eloquence as Marcus Tullius Cicero could be for his life, and, for aught I am convinced of to the contrary at present, with as much reason: it was indeed his strength--and his weakness too.-- His strength--for he was by nature eloquent; and his weakness--for he was hourly a dupe to it; and, provided an occasion in life would but permit him to shew his talents, or say either a wise thing, a witty, or a shrewd one-- (bating the case of a systematic misfortune)--he had all he wanted.--A blessing which tied up my father's tongue, and a misfortune which let it loose with a good grace, were pretty equal: sometimes, indeed, the misfortune was the better of the two; for instance, where the pleasure of the harangue was as ten, and the pain of the misfortune but as five--my father gained half in half, and consequently was as well again off, as if it had never befallen him. This clue will unravel what otherwise would seem very inconsistent in my father's domestic character; and it is this, that, in the provocations arising from the neglects and blunders of servants, or other mishaps unavoidable in a family, his anger, or rather the duration of it, eternally ran counter to all conjecture. My father had a favourite little mare, which he had consigned over to a most beautiful Arabian horse, in order to have a pad out of her for his own riding: he was sanguine in all his projects; so talked about his pad every day with as absolute a security, as if it had been reared, broke,--and bridled and saddled at his door ready for mounting. By some neglect or other in Obadiah, it so fell out, that my father's expectations were answered with nothing better than a mule, and as ugly a beast of the kind as ever was produced. My mother and my uncle Toby expected my father would be the death of Obadiah--and that there never would be an end of the disaster--See here! you rascal, cried my father, pointing to the mule, what you have done!--It was not me, said Obadiah.--How do I know that? replied my father. Triumph swam in my father's eyes, at the repartee--the Attic salt brought water into them--and so Obadiah heard no more about it. Now let us go back to my brother's death. Philosophy has a fine saying for every thing.--For Death it has an entire set; the misery was, they all at once rushed into my father's head, that 'twas difficult to string them together, so as to make any thing of a consistent show out of them.--He took them as they came. ''Tis an inevitable chance--the first statute in Magna Charta--it is an everlasting act of parliament, my dear brother,--All must die. 'If my son could not have died, it had been matter of wonder,--not that he is dead. 'Monarchs and princes dance in the same ring with us. '--To die, is the great debt and tribute due unto nature: tombs and monuments, which should perpetuate our memories, pay it themselves; and the proudest pyramid of them all, which wealth and science have erected, has lost its apex, and stands obtruncated in the traveller's horizon.' (My father found he got great ease, and went on)--'Kingdoms and provinces, and towns and cities, have they not their periods? and when those principles and powers, which at first cemented and put them together, have performed their several evolutions, they fall back.'--Brother Shandy, said my uncle Toby, laying down his pipe at the word evolutions--Revolutions, I meant, quoth my father,--by heaven! I meant revolutions, brother Toby--evolutions is nonsense.--'Tis not nonsense--said my uncle Toby.--But is it not nonsense to break the thread of such a discourse upon such an occasion? cried my father--do not--dear Toby, continued he, taking him by the hand, do not--do not, I beseech thee, interrupt me at this crisis.--My uncle Toby put his pipe into his mouth. 'Where is Troy and Mycenae, and Thebes and Delos, and Persepolis and Agrigentum?'--continued my father, taking up his book of post-roads, which he had laid down.--'What is become, brother Toby, of Nineveh and Babylon, of Cizicum and Mitylenae? The fairest towns that ever the sun rose upon, are now no more; the names only are left, and those (for many of them are wrong spelt) are falling themselves by piece-meals to decay, and in length of time will be forgotten, and involved with every thing in a perpetual night: the world itself, brother Toby, must--must come to an end. 'Returning out of Asia, when I sailed from Aegina towards Megara,' (when can this have been? thought my uncle Toby,) ' I began to view the country round about. Aegina was behind me, Megara was before, Pyraeus on the right hand, Corinth on the left.--What flourishing towns now prostrate upon the earth! Alas! alas! said I to myself, that man should disturb his soul for the loss of a child, when so much as this lies awfully buried in his presence--Remember, said I to myself again--remember thou art a man.'-- Now my uncle Toby knew not that this last paragraph was an extract of Servius Sulpicius's consolatory letter to Tully.--He had as little skill, honest man, in the fragments, as he had in the whole pieces of antiquity.-- And as my father, whilst he was concerned in the Turkey trade, had been three or four different times in the Levant, in one of which he had stayed a whole year and an half at Zant, my uncle Toby naturally concluded, that, in some one of these periods, he had taken a trip across the Archipelago into Asia; and that all this sailing affair with Aegina behind, and Megara before, and Pyraeus on the right hand, &c. &c. was nothing more than the true course of my father's voyage and reflections.--'Twas certainly in his manner, and many an undertaking critic would have built two stories higher upon worse foundations.--And pray, brother, quoth my uncle Toby, laying the end of his pipe upon my father's hand in a kindly way of interruption--but waiting till he finished the account--what year of our Lord was this?-- 'Twas no year of our Lord, replied my father.--That's impossible, cried my uncle Toby.--Simpleton! said my father,--'twas forty years before Christ was born. My uncle Toby had but two things for it; either to suppose his brother to be the wandering Jew, or that his misfortunes had disordered his brain.-- 'May the Lord God of heaven and earth protect him and restore him!' said my uncle Toby, praying silently for my father, and with tears in his eyes. --My father placed the tears to a proper account, and went on with his harangue with great spirit. 'There is not such great odds, brother Toby, betwixt good and evil, as the world imagines'--(this way of setting off, by the bye, was not likely to cure my uncle Toby's suspicions).--'Labour, sorrow, grief, sickness, want, and woe, are the sauces of life.'--Much good may do them--said my uncle Toby to himself.-- 'My son is dead!--so much the better;--'tis a shame in such a tempest to have but one anchor. 'But he is gone for ever from us!--be it so. He is got from under the hands of his barber before he was bald--he is but risen from a feast before he was surfeited--from a banquet before he had got drunken. 'The Thracians wept when a child was born,'--(and we were very near it, quoth my uncle Toby,)--'and feasted and made merry when a man went out of the world; and with reason.--Death opens the gate of fame, and shuts the gate of envy after it,--it unlooses the chain of the captive, and puts the bondsman's task into another man's hands. 'Shew me the man, who knows what life is, who dreads it, and I'll shew thee a prisoner who dreads his liberty.' Is it not better, my dear brother Toby, (for mark--our appetites are but diseases,)--is it not better not to hunger at all, than to eat?--not to thirst, than to take physic to cure it? Is it not better to be freed from cares and agues, from love and melancholy, and the other hot and cold fits of life, than, like a galled traveller, who comes weary to his inn, to be bound to begin his journey afresh? There is no terrour, brother Toby, in its looks, but what it borrows from groans and convulsions--and the blowing of noses and the wiping away of tears with the bottoms of curtains, in a dying man's room.--Strip it of these, what is it?--'Tis better in battle than in bed, said my uncle Toby.- -Take away its hearses, its mutes, and its mourning,--its plumes, scutcheons, and other mechanic aids--What is it?--Better in battle! continued my father, smiling, for he had absolutely forgot my brother Bobby--'tis terrible no way--for consider, brother Toby,--when we are-- death is not;--and when death is--we are not. My uncle Toby laid down his pipe to consider the proposition; my father's eloquence was too rapid to stay for any man--away it went,--and hurried my uncle Toby's ideas along with it.-- For this reason, continued my father, 'tis worthy to recollect, how little alteration, in great men, the approaches of death have made.--Vespasian died in a jest upon his close-stool--Galba with a sentence--Septimus Severus in a dispatch--Tiberius in dissimulation, and Caesar Augustus in a compliment.--I hope 'twas a sincere one--quoth my uncle Toby. --'Twas to his wife,--said my father.Prev Next All
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