Fiction

Ulysses

James Joyce

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that was a relief wherever you be let your wind go free who knows if that
pork chop I took with my cup of tea after was quite good with the heat I
couldnt smell anything off it Im sure that queerlooking man in the
porkbutchers is a great rogue I hope that lamp is not smoking fill my
nose up with smuts better than having him leaving the gas on all night I
couldnt rest easy in my bed in Gibraltar even getting up to see why am I
so damned nervous about that though I like it in the winter its more
company O Lord it was rotten cold too that winter when I was only about
ten was I yes I had the big doll with all the funny clothes dressing her
up and undressing that icy wind skeeting across from those mountains the
something Nevada sierra nevada standing at the fire with the little bit
of a short shift I had up to heat myself I loved dancing about in it then
make a race back into bed Im sure that fellow opposite used to be there
the whole time watching with the lights out in the summer and I in my
skin hopping around I used to love myself then stripped at the washstand
dabbing and creaming only when it came to the chamber performance I put
out the light too so then there were 2 of us goodbye to my sleep for this
night anyhow I hope hes not going to get in with those medicals leading
him astray to imagine hes young again coming in at 4 in the morning it
must be if not more still he had the manners not to wake me what do they
find to gabber about all night squandering money and getting drunker and
drunker couldnt they drink water then he starts giving us his orders for
eggs and tea and Findon haddy and hot buttered toast I suppose well have
him sitting up like the king of the country pumping the wrong end of the
spoon up and down in his egg wherever he learned that from and I love to
hear him falling up the stairs of a morning with the cups rattling on the
tray and then play with the cat she rubs up against you for her own sake
I wonder has she fleas shes as bad as a woman always licking and lecking
but I hate their claws I wonder do they see anything that we cant staring
like that when she sits at the top of the stairs so long and listening as
I wait always what a robber too that lovely fresh place I bought I think
Ill get a bit of fish tomorrow or today is it Friday yes I will with some
blancmange with black currant jam like long ago not those 2 lb pots of
mixed plum and apple from the London and Newcastle Williams and Woods
goes twice as far only for the bones I hate those eels cod yes Ill get a
nice piece of cod Im always getting enough for 3 forgetting anyway Im
sick of that everlasting butchers meat from Buckleys loin chops and leg
beef and rib steak and scrag of mutton and calfs pluck the very name is
enough or a picnic suppose we all gave 5/- each and or let him pay it and
invite some other woman for him who Mrs Fleming and drove out to the
furry glen or the strawberry beds wed have him examining all the horses
toenails first like he does with the letters no not with Boylan there yes
with some cold veal and ham mixed sandwiches there are little houses down
at the bottom of the banks there on purpose but its as hot as blazes he
says not a bank holiday anyhow I hate those ruck of Mary Ann coalboxes
out for the day Whit Monday is a cursed day too no wonder that bee bit
him better the seaside but Id never again in this life get into a boat
with him after him at Bray telling the boatman he knew how to row if
anyone asked could he ride the steeplechase for the gold cup hed say yes
then it came on to get rough the old thing crookeding about and the
weight all down my side telling me pull the right reins now pull the left
and the tide all swamping in floods in through the bottom and his oar
slipping out of the stirrup its a mercy we werent all drowned he can swim
of course me no theres no danger whatsoever keep yourself calm in his
flannel trousers Id like to have tattered them down off him before all
the people and give him what that one calls flagellate till he was black
and blue do him all the good in the world only for that longnosed chap I
dont know who he is with that other beauty Burke out of the City Arms
hotel was there spying around as usual on the slip always where he wasnt
wanted if there was a row on youd vomit a better face there was no love
lost between us thats 1 consolation I wonder what kind is that book he
brought me Sweets of Sin by a gentleman of fashion some other Mr de Kock
I suppose the people gave him that nickname going about with his tube
from one woman to another I couldnt even change my new white shoes all
ruined with the saltwater and the hat I had with that feather all blowy
and tossed on me how annoying and provoking because the smell of the sea
excited me of course the sardines and the bream in Catalan bay round the
back of the rock they were fine all silver in the fishermens baskets old
Luigi near a hundred they said came from Genoa and the tall old chap with
the earrings I dont like a man you have to climb up to to get at I
suppose theyre all dead and rotten long ago besides I dont like being
alone in this big barracks of a place at night I suppose Ill have to put
up with it I never brought a bit of salt in even when we moved in the
confusion musical academy he was going to make on the first floor
drawingroom with a brassplate or Blooms private hotel he suggested go and
ruin himself altogether the way his father did down in Ennis like all the
things he told father he was going to do and me but I saw through him
telling me all the lovely places we could go for the honeymoon Venice by
moonlight with the gondolas and the lake of Como he had a picture cut out
of some paper of and mandolines and lanterns O how nice I said whatever I
liked he was going to do immediately if not sooner will you be my man
will you carry my can he ought to get a leather medal with a putty rim
for all the plans he invents then leaving us here all day youd never know
what old beggar at the door for a crust with his long story might be a
tramp and put his foot in the way to prevent me shutting it like that
picture of that hardened criminal he was called in Lloyds Weekly news 20
years in jail then he comes out and murders an old woman for her money
imagine his poor wife or mother or whoever she is such a face youd run
miles away from I couldnt rest easy till I bolted all the doors and
windows to make sure but its worse again being locked up like in a prison
or a madhouse they ought to be all shot or the cat of nine tails a big
brute like that that would attack a poor old woman to murder her in her
bed Id cut them off him so I would not that hed be much use still better
than nothing the night I was sure I heard burglars in the kitchen and he
went down in his shirt with a candle and a poker as if he was looking for
a mouse as white as a sheet frightened out of his wits making as much
noise as he possibly could for the burglars benefit there isnt much to
steal indeed the Lord knows still its the feeling especially now with
Milly away such an idea for him to send the girl down there to learn to
take photographs on account of his grandfather instead of sending her to
Skerrys academy where shed have to learn not like me getting all IS at
school only hed do a thing like that all the same on account of me and
Boylan thats why he did it Im certain the way he plots and plans
everything out I couldnt turn round with her in the place lately unless I
bolted the door first gave me the fidgets coming in without knocking
first when I put the chair against the door just as I was washing myself
there below with the glove get on your nerves then doing the loglady all
day put her in a glasscase with two at a time to look at her if he knew
she broke off the hand off that little gimcrack statue with her roughness
and carelessness before she left that I got that little Italian boy to
mend so that you cant see the join for 2 shillings wouldnt even teem the
potatoes for you of course shes right not to ruin her hands I noticed he
was always talking to her lately at the table explaining things in the
paper and she pretending to understand sly of course that comes from his
side of the house he cant say I pretend things can he Im too honest as a
matter of fact and helping her into her coat but if there was anything
wrong with her its me shed tell not him I suppose he thinks Im finished
out and laid on the shelf well Im not no nor anything like it well see
well see now shes well on for flirting too with Tom Devans two sons
imitating me whistling with those romps of Murray girls calling for her
can Milly come out please shes in great demand to pick what they can out
of her round in Nelson street riding Harry Devans bicycle at night its as
well he sent her where she is she was just getting out of bounds wanting
to go on the skatingrink and smoking their cigarettes through their nose
I smelt it off her dress when I was biting off the thread of the button I
sewed on to the bottom of her jacket she couldnt hide much from me I tell
you only I oughtnt to have stitched it and it on her it brings a parting
and the last plumpudding too split in 2 halves see it comes out no matter
what they say her tongue is a bit too long for my taste your blouse is
open too low she says to me the pan calling the kettle blackbottom and I
had to tell her not to cock her legs up like that on show on the
windowsill before all the people passing they all look at her like me
when I was her age of course any old rag looks well on you then a great
touchmenot too in her own way at the Only Way in the Theatre royal take
your foot away out of that I hate people touching me afraid of her life
Id crush her skirt with the pleats a lot of that touching must go on in
theatres in the crush in the dark theyre always trying to wiggle up to
you that fellow in the pit at the Gaiety for Beerbohm Tree in Trilby the
last time Ill ever go there to be squashed like that for any Trilby or
her barebum every two minutes tipping me there and looking away hes a bit
daft I think I saw him after trying to get near two stylishdressed ladies
outside Switzers window at the same little game I recognised him on the
moment the face and everything but he didnt remember me yes and she didnt
even want me to kiss her at the Broadstone going away well I hope shell
get someone to dance attendance on her the way I did when she was down
with the mumps and her glands swollen wheres this and wheres that of
course she cant feel anything deep yet I never came properly till I was
what 22 or so it went into the wrong place always only the usual girls
nonsense and giggling that Conny Connolly writing to her in white ink on
black paper sealed with sealingwax though she clapped when the curtain
came down because he looked so handsome then we had Martin Harvey for
breakfast dinner and supper I thought to myself afterwards it must be
real love if a man gives up his life for her that way for nothing I
suppose there are a few men like that left its hard to believe in it
though unless it really happened to me the majority of them with not a
particle of love in their natures to find two people like that nowadays
full up of each other that would feel the same way as you do theyre
usually a bit foolish in the head his father must have been a bit queer
to go and poison himself after her still poor old man I suppose he felt
lost shes always making love to my things too the few old rags I have
wanting to put her hair up at I S my powder too only ruin her skin on her
shes time enough for that all her life after of course shes restless
knowing shes pretty with her lips so red a pity they wont stay that way I
was too but theres no use going to the fair with the thing answering me
like a fishwoman when I asked to go for a half a stone of potatoes the
day we met Mrs Joe Gallaher at the trottingmatches and she pretended not
to see us in her trap with Friery the solicitor we werent grand enough
till I gave her 2 damn fine cracks across the ear for herself take that
now for answering me like that and that for your impudence she had me
that exasperated of course contradicting I was badtempered too because
how was it there was a weed in the tea or I didnt sleep the night before
cheese I ate was it and I told her over and over again not to leave
knives crossed like that because she has nobody to command her as she
said herself well if he doesnt correct her faith I will that was the last
time she turned on the teartap I was just like that myself they darent
order me about the place its his fault of course having the two of us
slaving here instead of getting in a woman long ago am I ever going to
have a proper servant again of course then shed see him coming Id have to
let her know or shed revenge it arent they a nuisance that old Mrs
Fleming you have to be walking round after her putting the things into
her hands sneezing and farting into the pots well of course shes old she
cant help it a good job I found that rotten old smelly dishcloth that got
lost behind the dresser I knew there was something and opened the area
window to let out the smell bringing in his friends to entertain them
like the night he walked home with a dog if you please that might have
been mad especially Simon Dedalus son his father such a criticiser with
his glasses up with his tall hat on him at the cricket match and a great
big hole in his sock one thing laughing at the other and his son that got
all those prizes for whatever he won them in the intermediate imagine
climbing over the railings if anybody saw him that knew us I wonder he
didnt tear a big hole in his grand funeral trousers as if the one nature
gave wasnt enough for anybody hawking him down into the dirty old kitchen
now is he right in his head I ask pity it wasnt washing day my old pair
of drawers might have been hanging up too on the line on exhibition for
all hed ever care with the ironmould mark the stupid old bundle burned on
them he might think was something else and she never even rendered down
the fat I told her and now shes going such as she was on account of her
paralysed husband getting worse theres always something wrong with them
disease or they have to go under an operation or if its not that its
drink and he beats her Ill have to hunt around again for someone every
day I get up theres some new thing on sweet God sweet God well when Im
stretched out dead in my grave I suppose Ill have some peace I want to
get up a minute if Im let wait O Jesus wait yes that thing has come on me
yes now wouldnt that afflict you of course all the poking and rooting and
ploughing he had up in me now what am I to do Friday Saturday Sunday
wouldnt that pester the soul out of a body unless he likes it some men do
God knows theres always something wrong with us 5 days every 3 or 4 weeks
usual monthly auction isnt it simply sickening that night it came on me
like that the one and only time we were in a box that Michael Gunn gave
him to see Mrs Kendal and her husband at the Gaiety something he did
about insurance for him in Drimmies I was fit to be tied though I wouldnt
give in with that gentleman of fashion staring down at me with his
glasses and him the other side of me talking about Spinoza and his soul
thats dead I suppose millions of years ago I smiled the best I could all
in a swamp leaning forward as if I was interested having to sit it out
then to the last tag I wont forget that wife of Scarli in a hurry
supposed to be a fast play about adultery that idiot in the gallery
hissing the woman adulteress he shouted I suppose he went and had a woman
in the next lane running round all the back ways after to make up for it
I wish he had what I had then hed boo I bet the cat itself is better off
than us have we too much blood up in us or what O patience above its
pouring out of me like the sea anyhow he didnt make me pregnant as big as
he is I dont want to ruin the clean sheets I just put on I suppose the
clean linen I wore brought it on too damn it damn it and they always want
to see a stain on the bed to know youre a virgin for them all thats
troubling them theyre such fools too you could be a widow or divorced 40
times over a daub of red ink would do or blackberry juice no thats too
purply O Jamesy let me up out of this pooh sweets of sin whoever
suggested that business for women what between clothes and cooking and
children this damned old bed too jingling like the dickens I suppose they
could hear us away over the other side of the park till I suggested to
put the quilt on the floor with the pillow under my bottom I wonder is it
nicer in the day I think it is easy I think Ill cut all this hair off me
there scalding me I might look like a young girl wouldnt he get the great
suckin the next time he turned up my clothes on me Id give anything to
see his face wheres the chamber gone easy Ive a holy horror of its
breaking under me after that old commode I wonder was I too heavy sitting
on his knee I made him sit on the easychair purposely when I took off
only my blouse and skirt first in the other room he was so busy where he
oughtnt to be he never felt me I hope my breath was sweet after those
kissing comfits easy God I remember one time I could scout it out
straight whistling like a man almost easy O Lord how noisy I hope theyre
bubbles on it for a wad of money from some fellow Ill have to perfume it
in the morning dont forget I bet he never saw a better pair of thighs
than that look how white they are the smoothest place is right there
between this bit here how soft like a peach easy God I wouldnt mind being
a man and get up on a lovely woman O Lord what a row youre making like
the jersey lily easy easy O how the waters come down at Lahore
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The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan
W.S. Gilbert

Category: Plays
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