Did anybody watch the big fight this weekend? I mean, besides the two boxers? The fight had so much clinching. If those guys had been hugged that much as children, they wouldn’t have grown up to be boxers.
It was a huge weekend for sports. And of course the event everybody was talking about was the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight. I mean, we're calling it a fight. To me, it seemed more like a couple of guys having a cuddle every now and then.
A Florida man is suing a hospital for throwing his right leg away after it was amputated. The hospital says they're not worried about the lawsuit because the man does not have a leg to stand on.
Today Carly Fiorina announced that she is running for president. Someone else bought “CarlyFiorina.org” and posted 30,000 sad emoticons to represent all the people she laid off at Hewlett-Packard. I haven't seen that many sad, blank faces in one place since the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight.
These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH ...Read more
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
A juggler who was driving to his next performance was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. ...Read more
A husband was advised by his psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you're the boss."
The man was on fire with enthusiasm and couldn't wait to try the doctor's advice! He rushed home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on, you're taking orders ...Read more
Pianist in a BordelloMike C Erickson
What would happen if a politician decided to tell the truth—the whole truth?
Richard Youngblood, aspiring Congressman, is about to find out. He’s running on a platform of honesty and transparency—and against the advice of his friends and advisers he’s decided to start with ...
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother ...Read more
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet.
Donald Trump is talking about running for president. He hasn't made an announcement, but I want to tell you something. The fake suspense is killing me.
The Kentucky Derby is a race that lets rich people throw money at a bunch of weird sounding names — which is another way of describing the presidential race so far. Do I want to bet on Jeb? Rand?
Churchill Downs, which hosts the Kentucky Derby, has banned the use of selfie sticks this year. Officials say that if you want to block someone’s view of the race, just do what everyone else does and wear an insanely giant hat.
A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bullseye and win a prize.. Only a dollar for three darts.
The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bullseye!! He downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go...Two bulls eyes!!!! ...Read more
Before rushing to work, I prepared a casserole for that evening's dinner and put it in the fridge. As I turned to leave, I told my son to stick it in the oven when he got home from school. "Make sure to put it in at 350," I said.
"Sorry, can't," he replied. "I don't get home until quarter after four."
[Borrowed from Reader's Digest.]
"Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes we want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon." --Tim Allen
"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
Luckily for me, the CD carrying case I just bought came with meticulous instructions. "The CD unit," read the directions, "...Read more
"So, how did you do?" the boss asked his new salesman after his first day on the road.
"All I got were two orders."
"What were they? Anything good?"
"Nope," the salesman replied. "They were 'Get out!' and 'Stay out!"
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground...Read more
Bruce Jenner will reportedly make a return to motivational speaking. And it's going to be a little tougher, because now he's only going to make 77 cents on the dollar.
The issue of gay marriage has reached the Supreme Court and observers are analyzing every detail to predict how each justice will vote. Experts say Chief Justice John Roberts is likely to rule in favor of gay marriage based on the fact that he spent Tuesday's hearings watching the Tony Award nominations.