Humor

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Entertainment

Thanksgiving One-liners

Humor / Jokes /

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims!

Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off.

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE

...Read more

Back then...

Humor / Jokes /

...A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show, a window was something you hated to clean, and ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend, and gig was something you did on stage for money; now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment, a program was a TV ...Read more

Water Pistols

Humor / Jokes /

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied, "OH YES! I do ...Read more

Airborne

Humor / Jokes /

After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school.

"Well," he said, "it's three weeks long."

"What else," I asked.

"The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said. "The second week, they separate the men from the fools."

"And the third week?" I asked.

"The third ...Read more

Convenience Store

Humor / Jokes /

A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small notebooks?"

"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."

The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"

"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.

The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you ...Read more

Eating Chocolate

Humor / Jokes /

Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a ...Read more

Unavoidable Laws of Life...

Humor / Jokes /

When one wishes to unlock a door but has only has one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von fumbles law)

A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale law of destiny)

When ones hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of ichiban)

Your insurance will cover ...Read more

Drumming...

Humor / Jokes /

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.

One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced...Read more

Bridal Registry

Humor / Jokes /

My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married."

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo ...

Quick Quotes

Humor / Jokes /

"Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter." --Aaron Ruell as Kip in NAPOLEON DYNAMITE

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"Well, here's all you need to know. Classes: nothing before eleven. Beer: it's your best friend, you drink a lot. Women? You're a freshman, so it's ...Read more

Late Night Funny #4

Humor / Jokes /

Former "Baywatch" star Pamela Anderson posed naked in the shower for a campaign aimed at saving water in drought-stricken California. And as a bonus, it also reminded people to recycle plastic.

Seth Meyers

Late Night Funny #3

Humor / Jokes /

This week Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson got his handprints and footprints in cement outside Hollywood’s Chinese Theater. And this is the amazing part: The cement wasn’t even wet.

Seth Meyers

Late Night Funny #2

Humor / Jokes /

In about 34 minutes David Letterman is going to air his last episode. In 1993, I took over his iconic late-night show. I was a complete unknown with no experience performing on TV. I was totally unprepared for that enormous job. I don't think that could happen today. I don't think the government would allow it.

...Read more

Late Night Funny #1

Humor / Jokes /

I'm your host, Jimmy Fallon, and I want to thank you for watching this on your DVR after you watched Letterman.

Jimmy Fallon

Quick Quotes

Humor / Jokes /

"Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?" --Rita Rudner

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"While getting dressed one morning, I decided I have been spending waaaaay too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my make- up ...Read more

Defining Characteristics

Humor / Jokes /

...of Slow People

1. Slow people always walk side by side, even if they don't know each other.

2. They drive side by side, too. If they can't find another slow driver to pair up with, they drive in the fast lane.

3. Slow walkers never look back. When they drive, they never look in their rear view mirrors, either.

4. Slow people drift...Read more

Slow, Really Slow...

Humor / Jokes /

A young man was a slow worker and found it difficult to hold down a job. After a visit to the employment office, he was offered work at the local zoo. When he arrived for his first day, the keeper, aware of his reputation, told him to take care of the tortoise section.

Later, the keeper dropped by to see how the young man was doing and found ...Read more

The Will

Humor / Jokes /

A wealthy man had a falling out with his two sons. It was serious enough that he decided to change his will.

At his lawyer's office, he threw his will on the table and said, "This needs an heircut."

If you like funny jokes like this, :1920:subs:l1:exsrc:{job.listid}")}">subscribe ...Read more

Quick Quotes

Humor / Jokes /

The CIA is investigating who leaked the story that they have secret prisons in Europe. They are furious and say if they find the person who did it, they will send them to a secret prison Europe." --Jay Leno

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I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a relative's wedding....Read more

Late Night Funny #4

Humor / Jokes /

3. Peyton Manning: "Dave, you are to comedy what I am to comedy."

2. Tina Fey: "Thanks for finally proving men can be funny."

1. Bill Murray: "Dave, I'll never have the money I owe you."

David Letterman's last Top 10 List, "Top 10 Things I've Always Wanted to Say to Dave"

 

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