The Orange County Fair in California is going on now, and features deep-fried Slim-Fast bars. It's perfect if you haven't decided if you want to be fat or not. The fair also features deep-fried pizza, deep-fried birthday cake, and deep-fried pickles stuffed with peanut butter.
Yesterday, the U.S. Olympic Committee announced they're withdrawing Boston's bid to host the 2024 Olympic Games. We have not been able to get a majority of the citizens of Boston to support hosting the 2024 Olympic Games. The only thing they support is throwing beer bottles at Yankees fans.
It was announced that they are developing the very first invisible car. Why would anyone want that? An invisible car is just going to be an excuse people use when they try to walk through the Jack-in-the-Box drive-thru.
I saw that Donald Trump is selling his penthouse suite at the Trump Park Avenue building here in New York City for $21 million. When asked why he’s selling it now, Trump said "Hey, Americans seem to be buying everything else I'm selling, so why not strike while the iron's hot.”
Which art in barrels,
Hollowed be thy drink.
I will be drunk,
At home as in the travern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangerovers.
For thine is ...Read more
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. ...Read more
You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If:
1. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
2. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
3. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
4. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
5. You cannot board the plane ...Read more
"Welcome to Entropy Burgers -- may I take your order?"
"I put in disorder a long time ago. The service here is getting worse all the time."
"My experience Gibbs me reason to believe you."
"I know the waitress who asked that, too. Her name's Ellen Omega. She really made me thermally dynamic. So, I asked her out. I tell you, when she don't ...Read more
B: The Tale of the Halloween CatD.L. Luke
The night before Halloween in Hoboken, New Jersey, the Willow Witch summons Bernard, nicknamed B, and eight other strays to enter in the Black Cat Contest. Each contestant must find three ingredients for her witch’s brew. When the trials are complete, aye on Halloween night, the winner will...
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us ...Read more
Snoop Dogg was arrested and released in Sweden this weekend on suspicion of using illegal drugs. Officials first became suspicious in 1991.
According to multiple new polls, Donald Trump is still leading the field of Republican candidates for president, which I have to say is all going to be very funny until the White House is covered in gold paint.
I would never hike on the first date. No way. Have sex? Absolutely. But hiking is the kind of thing you don't do until you're married. All I can think is these two must have met on that dating app for hikers. Timber.
Chris Christie attended the Italian-American Heritage Festival street fair in Iowa this weekend, where they celebrated Italian culture and Italian food. The street fair involved two of Christie’s favorite pastimes – eating, and shutting down traffic. It's a combo platter.
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.
To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger,I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one ...Read more
Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public." The next ...Read more
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general ...Read more
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.
Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.
Hoping ...Read more
China is hosting something called a World Cup soccer tournament for robots called “RoboCup 2015,” and the engineers' goal is for robots to face humans in the real World Cup by 2050. Then robots said, “Oh no, you'll be long gone by then.”
A new poll also shows that a majority of people in Colorado think Hillary Clinton is not trustworthy. Although, that's not saying much coming from the most paranoid state in America. "Hillary Clinton? She's a cop?"