Seriously, if he wanted to vote for himself, he'd have to go to a library. But this is going to be a real thrill for Bernie because he actually remembers when time came onto the scene. Not Time Magazine, just actual time.
We are just 15 days away from when "Time" magazine chooses its annual person of the year. There's an online poll where readers can vote for their pick, and currently leading in that online poll is Democratic hopeful Bernie Sanders. This is ironic, because I'm not sure Bernie Sanders has ever even been online.
I saw that NBC has officially granted Mike Huckabee, John Kasich, Jim Gilmore and Lindsey Graham free airtime to equal Donald Trump's recent Saturday Night Live appearance. When asked how they'll feature the candidates, NBC was like, “Let's just say the Thanksgiving Day Parade just got a few more clowns.”
Donald Trump was recently being interviewed, and said that he's not a fan of the man bun trend, and wouldn't want to wear his hair that way. You know it's bad when even Donald Trump is like, "I'm not putting that on my head."
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"
The truck driver says, "I ...Read more
Lose a bit of your belly each day by avoiding these 5 foods...
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he...Read more
In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time!"
The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain...the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either."
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number ...Read more
Rory: King of PetlaJennifer Zartman
Rory Anderson, an epic-nerd on an ordinary science field trip, is pulled through a portal into Zed, a place outside of time. His perception of reality shifts, and the King of the Fountain of Life commissions him as an ambassador to Petla, a place in another galaxy. He arrives wearing the ...
1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.
2. Cats look silly on a leash.
3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they ...Read more
This Thanksgiving I'm feeling a little betrayed because it has just been revealed that the grocery store labels on the turkey mean very little. Fresh, young, natural, meaningless. Apparently fresh turkey just means it's not fully frozen. Young turkey means they weren't allowed to die of old age. Natural turkey has the same legal standing as ...Read more
After a protestor was assaulted at a Donald Trump rally this weekend Trump told reporters, “Maybe he should have been roughed up because it was absolutely disgusting what he was doing.” And he might have a point, because what the man was doing was attending a Trump rally.
The group Anonymous, an international network of computer hackers who attack websites and steal personal information in the name of justice, announced last week that they are going to war with ISIS. As if ISIS didn't already have its hands full, now they have to change all their passwords!
Prince William and Kate recently made plans for their baby daughter, Princess Charlotte, to join the Girl Scouts when she turns five. That's how good Girl Scout cookies are. Even royalty is like, “We need someone on the inside.”
Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.
She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the ...Read more
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she ...Read more
Dots for me to know, and you to find out.
Toby or not to be!
Lettuce in and you will find out!
Facebook is testing out a new feature that lets you limit the amount of posts you see from an ex you just broke up with. But most people said, "Is there any way to ONLY see posts from the ex I just broke up with?"
I saw that one hundred years ago this month, Albert Einstein presented his theory of General Relativity, which explains how gravity works. And it also marks the last time someone actually meant it when they said, “Way to go, Einstein.”