... continued from above
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich ...Read more
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries.
The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doing," his mother asked?
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the third vampire ...Read more
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.
"What's going on?" she yells out the window.
"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.
Within five minutes, however, it stops again.
The woman sees the same conductor...Read more
"Do you know what week this is in our public schools? I'm not making this up: this week is "national no name calling week". They don't want any name calling in public schools. What stupid dork came up with this idea?"
~ Jay Leno
"A weekend update correction. Last week all 29 stories we reported were incorrect, our apologies."
~ ...Read more
There were three American pilots captured by Germans in WWII. The Germans thought up a way to make the pilots crack and tell what they knew. They made them stand at attention, turn their heads from side to side and say, "Tick - Tock" over and over.
After about three hours, the first pilot cracked and started telling all he knew, signing ...Read more
My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this."
The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I ...Read more
Four Eggs who ?
Four Eggs ample !
Trump Therapy Coloring BookMike Browne
It is scientifically proven that adult coloring book therapy can reduce stress and possibly lower your blood pressure. The Official Trump Therapy Coloring Book will make you forget building a wall, counting Muslims, birther claims, Trump Steaks, Skittles, Isis, Rudy Giuliani, Vladimir Putin, ...
Wood you like to let me in now?
An insurance agent was teaching his wife to drive when the brakes suddenly failed on a steep, downhill grade.
"I can't stop!" she shrilled. "What should I do?"
"Brace yourself," advised her husband, "and try to hit something cheap."
Facebook has filed a patent on a system to automatically identify and remove posts containing fake news, and just after the nick of time.
Ladies and gentlemen, he did it. He won again. Donald Trump has just been named Time magazine’s Person of the Year for 2016. The shocking thing about this is that Time magazine thinks Trump is a person.
A fraternity at Hofstra University is in trouble for a hazing ritual that included putting hot sauce on a pledge’s genitals. The hot sauce was so hot that the guy is now pledging a sorority.
Even in the future, no one wants to deal with HR.
Starbucks is planning to open Italian bakeries in New York City and Chicago that will serve pizza. Good, because if there’s anywhere you can’t get a good slice of pizza, it’s NEW YORK CITY AND CHICAGO.
General Baldwin had barely arrived in the forward area when a sniper's bullet removed a button from his shirt. He threw himself to the ground in terror. The men stood around with the greatest unconcern.
The general yelled at a passing sergeant. "Hey, isn't somebody going to kill that darned sniper?"
The sergeant looked down at the general and ...Read more
Dad, would you like to save some money?
I certainly would, son. Any suggestions?
Sure. Why not buy me a bike, then I won't wear my shoes out so fast.
Fred collected lots of money from trick-or-treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate.
"You should give that money to charity," said the sales girl.
Fred thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity."
In the dim and distant past
When life's tempo wasn't so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit.
When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.
But today she's in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.
She's checking the web or surfing the net,
Sending some e-mail or ...Read more
-- If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Bradford is the coldest spot in the nation, you live in Pennsylvania.
-- If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you live in Pennsylvania.
-- If you walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you live in ...Read more