Three friends' (Aidy Bryant, Cecily Strong, Vanessa Bayer) decision to have a quiet night doesn't go as planned.
Well.... we're really doing this. Here goes nothing?
Hillary also had her moments. Here’s what she said about her tax plans: “We are going to go where the money is.” And she knows where the money is. It’s where she gives her speeches.
So, how did we get to the point where the fate of the American experiment rests in Donald Trump’s tiny, whining, loser hands?
“Bad hombres” doesn’t sound like drug dealers. “Bad hombres” sounds like what TGI Friday’s would call their Tex-Mex appetizer platter. “Bad hombres” sounds like the Spanish-language version of “Grumpy Old Men.” “Bad hombres” sounds like a gift shop in the Old West part of Disneyland. “Bad hombres” sounds like a ...Read more
Chris Wallace (Tom Hanks) moderates the final debate between Donald Trump (Alec Baldwin) and Hillary Clinton (Kate McKinnon).
Probably the weirdest thing Trump said during the evening was when he was talking about immigration, saying we have some “bad hombres” here. Bad hombres? First Melania Trump steals lines from Michelle Obama, now Trump is stealing lines from Clint Eastwood.
... continued from above
"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
Fixin' Stupid and Other Tales from a Tennessee Trauma QueenRobin Watt
Roxy McCoy manages to sell her professional company and retire early in life. Moving to the countryside of Tennessee, she finds the lifestyle to be ideal except that boredom eventually creeps in. A part-time job leads to discovering the joys of working as a volunteer ...
Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said,
"Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."
"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.
"Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first."
How much does it cost for a pirate to pierce his ears?
A buck an ear! Aaaarrr!
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."
Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk at Sam's.
Real teachers will eat anything left in the teacher's lounge.
Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks have even been seen grading in church.
Real teachers know that sixth graders get hormones ...Read more
Our local minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures made a few weeks ago.
The first Sunday, his sermon lasted 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached for an hour and a half.
I asked him about this. He then told me "well, John, that first Sunday, my gums were so...Read more
One day, Little Rabbit FooFoo was hopping through the forest, snatching all the mice, and bonking them on the head.
A good fairy appeared. "Little Rabbit FooFoo, what you're doing is evil! Stop it, or Mother Nature will turn you into something gooney!" she said.
Little Rabbit FooFoo just laughed and laughed.
The next day, Little Rabbit FooFoo...Read more
A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate.
A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce ...Read more
Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to an international business conference when they were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.
"You, your companies, and you countries are enemies of the Revolution," screamed the terrorist leader, "and you're going to be executed...Read more
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling ...Read more
... continued from above
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say It's Just That Way"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
... continued from above
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North America. Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hades"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"